


Fizzles and Nuzzles.

by Dedere



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Insecurity, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Mpreg, Secret Crush, Slow Build, Yoongi-centered, emotional pregnant Yoongi, implicit drunken sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-12 11:05:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 52,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5663899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dedere/pseuds/Dedere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yoongi isn't well. But he is a man, men don't go to hospital if they aren't well. That is for ladies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Yoongi didn’t feel good at all. For few days now, a week maybe, he kept feeling nauseous whether he ate or not, drowsy and he kept getting occasional headaches.

But today was especially bad – he woke with the sun rising, and ran straight for the bathroom, like his life depended on it. He managed to get in just at time to throw up all of the almost-digested food from yesterday’s company dinner, not even lifting the toilet seat in his rush. It wasn’t the first time he threw up during promotions, be stress or fatigue the reason, but it was slightly different this time – he knew he's got enough rest, food and other physical and psychical needs fulfilled.

‘Just give it some time. Whatever the sickness is, it’s either gonna get fine or worse… and if it does, then you go to hospital. You felt worse, just wait.’

He was never a fan of hospitals. In his opinion, all of the vitamin shots and regular check-ups their company obliged them to were simply to keep them calm, not having much effect. ‘A placebo. Working for those who believe it’ he thought and grimaced for himself while brushing teeth.

After cleaning his crime scene clean, he moved to living room and fell asleep on the leather sofa in his usual fetus position.

 

\---

 

The second time Suga woke up this morning, was to a loud noise. He grunted to himself and after few seconds of really waking up, moved after the source of the sound, the kitchen.

“What the hell? Are you filming a drama or just trying to sabotage my sleep?”

He was half smiling when he saw the situation in front of his eyes. Jin was cleaning porcelain shards from the floor, lightly sighing at Yoongi’s comment. Next to him was Jimin, crouching and holding his head with both hands, whining softly. Jungkook was leaning on the counter, sipping some hot beverage and looking kind of unamused of the scene.

“Ah... well, Jimin-hyung wanted to help Jin-hyung with making pancakes, but hit his head on the open counter above the cooker...” Jungkook chuckled quietly.  
Jimin confirmed it with a little louder whine.

“Well, if you came for a breakfast, you will have to wait few minutes. The first batch of pancakes is inedible now, since it all ended up on the ground.” Sighed Jin.

“I’m sorry, hyung.” Answered Jimin apologizingly and stretched his hand to grab one of the bigger shards.

“Hush!” hissed Jin and slapped Jimin’s hand away lighty. “One injury today should be enough.”

“It’s fine, hyung” said Suga. “I’m kinda hungry, but I can wait anyways” It took just those few minutes since he woke up to realize how hungry he really was. ‘At least I have an appetite..’

In the end, Jimin, Yoongi and Jungkook ended up sitting by the table, waiting for Jin to finish today’s second batch of pancakes with blueberries, and chatting their time away. When it was finally ready, Jin placed a plate in front of every of them and happily encouraged them to dig in, placing a bowl with the rest of pancakes in the middle of the table for others to serve themselves when they wake up. At the very first mouthful, Yoongi knew something was wrong.

‘Ugh. This is surely not how pancakes should taste like. Was there something rotten...?’

He glanced around to look at others’ expressions to prove himself true. But all were eating, nothing seemed to be off judging from their delighted expressions. It wasn’t every day, Jin made them pancakes, after all.

Yoongi tried another bite, but ‘Crap. This is disgusting…’ and the worse part – it sure wasn’t making his stomach feel good. He decided to only sit and wait for his stomach to calm down, but the sounds of clashing cutlery and occasional noisy eating weren’t really helping. He tried to take deep breath and decided to go get himself a glass of water. But as soon as he stood up, he could already feel his stomach juices making their way up the alimentary canal. He turned in place, held palm over mouth, and sprinted to the toilet for the second time this day. He could only hear Jin shouting his name once before he dumped the contents of his stomach in the bowl, that he cleaned so thoroughly only few hours before.

He sat on floor, hugging the bowl and cooling his head down, when there was a loud knock on the door followed by Jin’s muffled voice.

“Yoongi? Is everything okay?”

“Ah... yeah, hyung... I’m okay, I’ll be out in a sec.”

He heard a quiet sigh and as there were no more knocks or words, he supposed Jin has decided to wait for him to come out.

Except, hell, nothing was okay. Yoongi suddenly felt like crying. His head started to hurt, he was hungry but sick at the same time, and worst of all, he made his members worry. Wait, crying? Yoongi might not be in his best condition, but he was sure it wasn’t something to cry about. He only cried about two times since they debuted and it was in situations, where others might actually break down. He never cried. He lightly slapped his cheeks, flushed the mess and got up to move to the sink.

 

When he finally left the bathroom after few minutes, there were members running all around the living room, in different phases of getting ready to go out. He spotted Jungkook - the maknae was trying to fit in his trousers, only to fail few times and give up eventually, letting out a ‘dammit’ as he grabbed another pair. ‘We told he’s getting more muscular, but he was protesting so vehemently...' Yoongi thought with strange fondness.

“Oh, hyung!” Jungkook finally spotted Yoongi, who still hasn't moved from the living room's entrance.

“Are you okay, hyung?”

“Ah, yeah, I guess I ate something bad yesterday... it’s fine now.”

Jungkook still didn’t look content with the answer. “Oh, actually Jimin hyung started to feel a bit dizzy, so they decided he should get a check up in hospital later... so he doesn’t have a... a... conclusion... or something. Jin hyung said you should go, as well.. even if it’s nothing, you’ll get to rest. Oh but, Sejin hyung called us, that he’s gonna be here in ten minutes and Bang PD wants to hold a meeting, so you should probably go get ready now.”

Suga was about to stop maknae’s rumbling by claiming he’s ‘really fine, and doesn’t need a check-up’, but Jungkook managed finish his monologue and run to the bathroom before he could do so.

‘Great… fucking great start of a day…’ mumbled Yoongi to himself and left to get ready, not before sighing loudly.

 

\---

 

The meeting was over in two hours. Jimin started to doze off after the first half, and since Bang PD wasn’t heartless, he let the poor boy sleep after being explained the situation. After they left the room, Jimin was being taken to the hospital and Jin and Hoseok both urged Yoongi to go with him. They soon realized, it’s not going anywhere as Yoongi was very energetically refusing, and because they saw him during the meeting eat one of the three pizzas on table by himself, they eventually gave up.

Bangtan had no real schedules for the day, but they were also not allowed to leave the training room. It was the second hour into their training when Yoongi suddenly felt a tearing pain in his abdomen. He gasped for air and fell to his knees, vision going back and forth. Hoseok was the one who saw the scene first, shouted loudly, which alerted others and they came swarming around him in seconds. In the pain he was is, he could still think: ‘fuck... so this is it... I fucked up...’

“Hyung... Hyung! What is wrong? What happened?” Hoseok was kneeling in front of Yoongi, probably subconsciously clenching one of rapper’s hands that wasn’t on his abdomen, shocked expression visible.

“I’m... I’m… fuck, it hurts.” ‘Oh, no “I’m fine” anymore’

“Where does it-“ Hoseok was shoved away, uttering ‘fuck, hyung!’ not so quietly.

“Yoongi” Jin’s caring eyes. “Manager hyung went with Jimin, but I’m gonna grab my car and I’m bringing you to the hospital. Don’t even think about resisting. Wait!” And he ran away.  
The pain was slowly decreasing and Yoongi was starting to take in all the pained expressions around him. Hoseok somehow found his way back to the place closest to his hyung and held his hand in one of his own. He was wiping sweat from Yoongi’s forehead with other.

“Shh, it’s fine, you’re gonna be fine!”

Yoongi smiled. “As expected from J-Hope.” He tried to laugh before giving up, he hurt and felt drained. After few minutes, Jin arrived and him and Hoseok helped him to the car. Hoseok insisted he’s going as well, but in the end, Jin sent him back and they took off. Yoongi wasn’t protesting anymore.

 

\---

 

During the ride, Jin tried to ask Yoongi about how was he feeling and what was actually the matter. He said he had no clue, but to be honest, he had about two theories. The first one was, Yes, he has a cancer and he is fucking dying. He was always scared of illnesses, cancer particularly, who knows why because his family is one of the healthiest he’s ever heard of. It was also more the reason he hated doctors – because they would tell him, it’s over for him! But he knew it’s mostly unreasonable fear. And the second theory, well, it made much more sense. Too much fucking sense, if anyone would ask him. So yea, he's made a mistake and now he has a very different incurable disease, which he could have easily prevented. If only he gave enough fucks. ‘Shit, that’s the worst pun you ever made, brain, thank you very much’.

 

\---

 

Jin took him straight to the emergency section, which was extremely busy, and nobody was paying the two idols attention. Apparently, there has been a big accident on one of the arterial roads. Everyone as running around as crazy. The scariest part was, that there wasn’t enough cries. ‘It’s always the worst cas-‘ Yoongi’s thought got interrupted by a young nurse calling him inside.

“I’ll wait here for you” told him Jin and Yoongi only nodded.

The doctor was a young man, a little too young, by Yoongi’s judgement. He introduced himself and let Yoongi explain his problems without sparring him more than a second glance. He either didn’t know Yoongi was a celebrity or simply didn’t care. It was nice. It was slightly irritating. Then he performed the usual check-up: blood pressure, dilating pupils test, checked lymph nodes, heartbeat...

“Next, please, lay down and roll up your T-Shirt.”

Yoongi did so willingly. The doctor started touching his abdomen lightly, then tapping it. He applied little force on different places and asked about pain, and it was fast over.

The doctor sighed.

“Well, Mr. Min, your lower abdomen seem to be very rigid, it is never a good sign. It could mean some of the organs is secreting a liquid in abdominal cavity. Even tumor is a possibility. I need you to undergo an ultrasound, if you agree?”

“Yes…” Yoongi felt himself getting weaker. So the doctor's said it. He’s dying, alright.

“No need to be stressed yet, though, alright? Unfortunately, the ultrasound we have here is being used, but I will write you an application and you should go to the gynecologic section for your treatment. You might have to wait, but still it will be faster than here… ah, what a day...”

The doctor let out a tired sigh, handing Yoongi an agreement with ultrasound examination to sign, not really noticing the idol’s trembling hands.

 

\---

 

So, yes, Jin and Yoongi ended up sitting in Gynecology Ward. It’s been almost two hours since they arrived. First, he refused to tell Jin what the doctor said, but Jin was urging him - Yoongi could swear he could feel his motherly concern. So he gave in and during a sobbing episode explained he might actually have a tumor in his stomach. Jin hugged Yoongi and “shhh”’d him until he calmed down, whispering about how ‘It’s gonna be fine’ and ‘We’re with you whatever happens’. Normally, Yoongi would snort at these words, but now, he really appreciated them. This was a really bad, bad fucking day for Yoongi. After the initial shock and some coffee, he started joking about being the first man waiting for his appointment at gynecology. If the situation was different, he could actually die of shame; this was a very unknown area for him, and it would be the best if it stayed that way, he thought.

When the nurse finally called him in, all the nervousness came back at once. Jin agreed before to go in with him, so seeing how Yoongi stood up and didn’t really made another step, he grabbed his hand and pulled him to start moving.

“You know, we might be the first two guys walking through this door and holding hands” Jin semi-whispered to Yoongi.

Yoongi pulled his hand free and nudged his hyung’s shoulder, giving him jokingly disgusted look. But yes, it was funny and he felt slightly better.

Inside, the introductions and handling papers were similar to the procedure at emergency. Doctor’s name was Son Jinhwan, he was about 50 and Yoongi felt better this time, because of the doctor's 'more experienced and wiser age.' But he had to say, he was bewildered, that the doctor was a man because he expected the person to which women confide intimately to be of the same gender. On the other hand, it wasn't like Yoongi knew about women, body or mind - he went to all boys’ school before and he was gay ever since he could remember. Not that he wouldn’t know the basic physiology, his friends in high school were a bit too informative for his liking, but he never felt the need to research about these things. ‘Well, if I went to have my dick examined, I would surely like another man to do it. I mean... not too pretty one, but... yea. Man for sure.’

“No need to be too nervous, Mr. Min. I need you to relax muscles. And when you’re ready, lie down on the table and shirt up, please.”

‘You’re not the one dying, sure!’ Yoongi bit his lip and proceeded to do as told. He glanced at Jin who sent him encouraging thumbs up back. The nurse was setting the ultrasound machine ready.

“Good to go, Mr. Son” she said.

“Alright, I need to apply this liquid on your abdomen, it will be cold, but try to relax. The examination doesn’t hurt, do not worry.”

Yoongi’s head was spinning, he was sweating profoundly, but sure, ‘no worries’.

“You can take a look at the screen, I can give you a little guide tour about your inner organs, if you don’t mind?” The doctor tried to show Yoongi a calming smile, but Yoongi was still too nervous about his situation. The doctor’s friendliness seemed a bit out of place. Well, Yoongi only managed to nod.

“Oh, you cannot actually see the organs on the screen, but where the sensor is touching now is the bowel. The ultrasound can only find irregularities on the intestines by using a special sound waves…”

Yoongi kept nodding and occasionally taking glances at Jin in corner. Jin seemed to be interested in doctor’s lecture, staring at the man with slightly open mouth. That made Yoongi smile faintly. He was glad he didn’t have to go through this alone.

“Anyways” the doctor continued “everything is fine here, so let’s move a bit lower.”  
The rapper was slightly uncomfortable with sensor being a bit too close to his private areas.

“So here is th- Oh?” The doctor seemed to lose his thread of speech as he produced not too loud surprised sound. Suga heard Jin hiss in his corner and his heart started beating too fast once again. He could hear Mr. Son asking the nurse to configure the machine, but he didn’t pay attention. The doctor found something wrong with him, that’s all he needed to hear. He was shaking, sweating bullets, and thought he might faint every second. Eventually, the doctor and nurse agreed that the machine was working properly and doctor turned to Yoongi once again.

“Mr. Min, do you happen to be an intersex?”

Yoongi lifted his head and looked at the doctor, utterly confused.

“Um... I don’t understand the term.” He heard Jin humming, meaning he also didn’t.

“It’s a reference to a person having slightly different sex characteristics than most, most known cases are people bearing reproduction organs of both male and female. The term hermaphrodite is more known, I suppose.”

“No... I am not? I’m a man.” Yoongi was too confused to give real thought to anything the doctor was trying to explain. Why was he even speaking about this? He just wanted to know when will he die. He doesn’t need to learn difficult foreign words. He was starting to get angry, and was just about to speak rude, when he looked at his hyung. Jin was staring at Yoongi with mouth wide open, shocked expression, as if he’s seen a ghost. It surprised Yoongi and his anger was replaced with confusion once again.

“Well...” the doctor began to speak, diverting Yoongi’s attention back to him. Before continuing, he coughed, reached for a tissue to wipe few drops of sweat and nervously laughed. “Ehm... I don’t really know how to say this, it’s new for me. But Mr. Min, according to ultrasound and to, well, to my 24 years of experience,” Mr. Son laughed nervously again “you are pregnant Mr. Min.”

 

There was a silence.

No one dared to move. Because... What? Yoongi was sure, he's heard wrong, the heavy atmosphere was making his mind perplexed.

“To explain a bit more. If you look at the monitor, you can see the foetus. It appears to be 3 to 4 weeks old, the development seems to be optimal. Ah, it’s right here.” The doctor moved to point at a place on monitor. “It is still too early to distinguish its features. But it will- “

“Wait.” Yoongi’s loud voice echoed through room. “Are you kidding me, huh? Is this a hidden camera?” His face was staying neutral, but he was sure, that if this was indeed a hidden camera, it’s going to be the one where main character gets angry and leaves instead of laughing it off with everybody. It would still count for success, though.

“Excuse me, a what?” now the doctor looked very confused.

“A joke,” said Jin “Is it a joke?”

“Ah, no… I’m very sure about my diagnose. It’s 99 percent positive.”

Silence.

“BUT HOW COULD HE-“ Jin stood and shouted. The nurse rushed to him, urging him to sit and calm down. He eventually did.

But to Yoongi, everything seemed as if it was happening in a mist. Too unreal. What was the man saying? Yoongi is with a baby? Yoongi was very sure, _he was a man_. Men can’t bear children. But, somehow... something… was telling him, that it was true. It explains everything, his mood swings, nausea, fatigue, recent different tastes in food even. He saw enough movies to know the symptoms. But.

“No. No No No”. Yoongi felt his eyes stared to sting. “It’s not p-po-possible. Right, Hyung?” he looked for his opinion’s support in Jin, but Jin just stared at him with unidentifiable gaze.

“Um, let me ask you Mr. Min, in a time of about four weeks ago, have you” the doctor coughed nervously “have you performed a sexual intercourse with another man?”

In the lying position Yoongi was in, suddenly, one memory followed by another started to flash before his eyes as a silent movie. _The sponsor’s dinner. Champagne. He looks bored and Yoongi goes to chat with him. Champagne, much more. Yoongi invites him to meet him at bathroom, in hid drunken state. He does and then...-_

Yoongi comes out of his fog and takes one final look at the ultrasound monitor.

And then he notices his vision getting blurry. ‘Yes, that’s it, it’s a nightmare, nothing more…’

He hears shouts before he finally passes out.


	2. Chapter 2

Yoongi was sitting at the sofa in their shared dorm, sipping a now lukewarm tea. He felt sour. It might not have been the proper feeling to experience at the moment, but well, he already accepted that in the past weeks he wasn’t quite in control of his emotions.

The TV was on, but he didn’t pay it any attention, it was only to provide a distraction from unwanted thoughts. Jin was in the kitchen, only muted sounds of chopping resounding from the room time to time, so the stereotypical voices filled with faked emotions didn't really serve their purpose in the empty room.

It was about time, when the boys should be normally returning from their practice. After his check-up, Jimin let them all know in a group chat that the doctors found nothing wrong with him, he was feeling great again and he would be returning to join them at the practice again. Yoongi also received few messages asking him about his visit in hospital but he didn’t really feel like responding. He didn’t feel like speaking with anybody. He knew, that Jin has told them something to calm them, judging from how everyone’s but Hoseok’s last messages were from more than hour ago. The said boy kept sending him random pictures of everything he laid eyes on; the floor in the training room, Namjoon sprawled on floor, taken from angle in which the leader's head doesn’t show; Hoseok’s feet even.

Yoongi didn’t bother to open the messages, but he still saw the pictures every time his phone alerted him about new notification. As it did now. Yoongi didn’t manage to catch what was the new snap, so he thoughtlessly reached to grab the device and proceeded to unlock it.

From his screen, a firm, with grey sweatpants riding high up the crack, Jibooty was staring at him.

‘This kid. I’ll never understand how the air head of his works… maybe that's better actually’

If he wasn’t a hair’s breadth from a mental breakdown, he would probably snicker and save the photo for possible future use.

 

\---

 

After about 30 teleshopping ads later, a sound of doors opening, followed by loud voices, could be heard. Yoongi automatically straightened up his back. He might have been telling himself, that this is all his own problem and others didn’t need to know, but it was still bugging him from somewhere deep in his brain. Although he always kept a lot of secrets, he never liked doing it and it always took some time to get used to having a new one. Right before the first, orange head popped up from behind a corridor wall, Yoongi noticed his purse, laying in the mess of his things he threw at the sofa after their arrival. He reached for it quickly and hid it in his pocket as a kid trying to steal sweets from a jar behind mother’s back.

“Oh, hey Jimin! How are you doin’?” he asked the boy, who now fully entered living room, others following right behind. He added a stiff smile.

“Hey, hyung? You’re asking that to me? I wrote on kakao, that I’m fine. But you” Jimin pointed at Yoongi, flipping his hair expressively as he spoke “you couldn’t message us an assuring text during the three hours we were trying to reach you! We were so worried!” Jimin folded his arms on his chest, he was failing to look angry as he have intended due to his baby face. There were few affirmative nods as to stimulate Yoongi to explain himself. During Jimin's monologue, Jin exited the kitchen and was now standing by a wall, in half the way between the two parties, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

But Yoongi didn’t spare him a side look. He was glaring at Jimin, his mind now awakened from apathy it fell into after coming home and now racing like crazy. He was not going to deal with people shouting at him today. Although he figured Jimin haven’t meant his angry tone seriously, he’s picked a wrong day to raise his voice at Yoongi. Even Jimin noticed that, however a moment too late.

“No one asked you to worry about me! Do you think I go around telling you I’m fine because I want you to follow me around and take care of me? Because no, I’m an adult, so are you and I only want you all to mind your own fucking business and let me live my own life. I’m not obliged to tell you about every trouble I have, because we would be sitting here till tomorrow then!”

Yoongi naturally stood up during his rant, he saw red now and he even failed to notice alarmed Hoseok, who moved to stand by his side and put hands on Yoongi’s shoulders in hope to calm him down even little. If others entered the room with half faked expressions of offence on faces, now he could only see shock. He was being unreasonable and felt slightly regretful after the words left him, in the end, they’ve only tried to express their concern about him, but teasing wasn’t the way to go around it, it had only pulled the half-released trigger in Yoongi.

“Ah, h-hyung… I didn’t mean to-“ Jimin’s eyes were as big as lakes.

“What is wrong with you, hyung? Last time we saw you, you were crouching on floor, crying from pain and now you bawl us out because we’re freaking worried? We’re not exaggerating anything here, it’s exactly because we’re adults, that we speak about our worries and thoughts and try to discuss and solve them together. I’m sorry you see it this way because it means I have made a mistake as a leader, but please, at least don’t vent on the kids.” Namjoon spoke almost calmly, the edge showing only in his lifted eyebrows.

Yoongi gasped as in to speak few times, but nothing came out. Hoseok’s hands on his shoulders squeezed him a little in consolation and Jin took a step forward from his almost forgotten place.

“Yoongi, please, don’t shou-“

“The doctor said I have overworked myself. Thus the stomach cramps.” He said, turned in place and headed straight to his room, followed only by thick silence.

 

\---

 

As he laid down, he realized he’s trembling. It wasn’t rage anymore, he was simply afraid. ‘This is too much on a single person…’ After few minutes of staring at nothing, the whole situation started to dawn on him finally. He felt terrible about shouting at person as sweet as Jimin was; about every member, that had to hear about his insecurities and became a target of his frustration; he felt so scared about what will happen next. So far, he’d tried desperately not to think, that his future might look different than how he’s always tried so hard to make it. He’s went through so many hardships to get to the place he was now, all the belittling he had to endure with mouth shut tight, and then he’s finally made his way in the world, one, that he could be proud of. But there still so much space for improvement. And he’s got great plans on how will his life, meaning basically career, look in the future.

He loved the members of Bangtan and he was sure, they knew it. He liked to tell himself, that after the years together they understood how complicated persona he was, and respected his sometimes seemingly cold attitude towards them. It was his defense system he worked on setting up ever since his early days back at home. He was just too prone to emotional damage and he hated his vulnerable side.

Although sometimes, he selfishly wished the members were maybe just slightly more forceful in their tries to make him open up. Sometimes, they couldn’t or wouldn’t guess right, when he needed them to be there for him. And he wouldn’t push, because he’s used to being alone. But that doesn’t change the fact, that his inferior social skills have failed him once again.

Yes, he could imagine himself staying a part of Bangtan until they all happily marry, have children and either move on from the life of fame, or continue working together.  
But what he couldn’t imagine, was him, in his 20s, giving up music, the first relationships he’s ever established, and turning into single-father who spends their day changing diapers, making baby food and doesn’t get a wink of sleep because of worrying about another human being.

A tiny human being.

Inside him.

It wasn’t a hard kick of realization this time, he only felt warmth spread through him, a feeling similar to a nervous blush, before it was gone.

He positioned himself on back and grabbed the hem of his sweatshirt. He hesitated briefly before rolling it up and revealing perfectly flat, pale tummy.

‘Well, not like I expected to find a baby face sticking about of my stomach, right…’ He didn’t even find time to check himself in private yet. Seeing, that his tummy looked like always was reassuring and he immediately pulled his clothes back down, as if his stomach would suddenly inflate right before his eyes if he stared at it only a second longer.

‘A baby…’

Then he remembered the wallet he picked up back at living room and reached for it to one of the pockets his sweatshirt had. He opened it and few small, paper-like objects dropped onto his stomach. He picked the first one, a simple plastic card, with inscription “Hello! I’m pregnant: Min Yoon Ki”, his name neatly written with a permanent marker. He cringed at it and was about to throw it right in to the trash bin next to his bed, but stopped before his arm finished the move, and wedged it behind some non-employed cards in the wallet. ‘Better safe, than sorry, huh.’ Explaining this was the second last thing he wanted to do.

Next was a double-sided time table with free boxes to eventually fill with dates of check-ups to come. There was only one date, a date 7 days far from today. He stuffed that back as well.

Last was a picture from ultrasound. Yoongi stretched his arms up, holding the photo over his head. He stared at it for few second before bringing it back near his face. He squinted eyes at it, but no.

‘I see nothing humane on it’ and placed it behind some months old bills, like that could deny the reality a little.

Before dozing off, parts of the earlier hospital visit came back to him:

 

\---

 

_When he came to, Jin’s face was the first thing that greeted him. He gasped._

_“I saw you started wriggling, so I decided to check on you.”_

_“Oh, I fainted, didn’t I.” He more stated than asked._

_“Yea, we moved you on this unoccupied bed. So how are you, um, feeling?” Jin asked. Yoongi gave him a small glare._

_“Not pregnant, if that’s what you ask.”_

_“Ah… y-yeah... Hey, Yoongi… I’m really really sorry about how I reacted before. I should have been the calm one, but…” While speaking, Jin clasped Yoongi’s hand in one of his, probably both to calm himself and the lying boy._

_“I don’t even remember more than blood running to my head, to be honest, so don’t apologize. And, hyung?”_   
_“Yeah?”_

_Yoongi lifted their connected hands “that’s gay.”_

_Jin’s eyes grew wide and he let go of the younger’s palm. He was clearly contemplating about what to answer, so Yoongi made it easier on him._

_“Ehm, I guess, it’s a wrong time for these jokes?” He smirked. Then the corners of his mouth slacked again as he added, very quietly, but with firm voice: “Are you disgusted?”_

_Jin shook his head. “No. It’s strange how I never actually thought about these things, like different kinds of sexuality. Probably because I’ve never met anyone not exactly… straight. But no, I think I’m okay with it.” Jin gave Yoongi a smile that was probably meant to be encouraging._

_Now it was the blonde’s eyes that opened wide. He blinked dumbly at Jin, not minding his ‘emotionally dead’ image getting ruined. Somehow, his eyes started to sting._

_“WHA- I’m sorry, Yoongi! I really meant it, I cannot speak for others, but I’m gonna support you though this. I don’t care if you’re gay, different or alien for all I know, just… are you okay?” Jin was getting more and more confused every second. Yoongi's eyes were now legit wet. And he was laughing._

_Just how lucky he was, to meet people like them._

 

_\---_

 

_Doctor Son called Yoongi in right after dealing with his last appointment, hour or so later. Jin naturally joined him. Doctor showed them a smile as they sat down._

_“Well, Mr. Min, first I need to say I have operation planned in half an hour so I will need to cut this short. It’s unlucky, but we need to deal with the short time we have”_

_Yoongi nodded. Staying in the office for too long wasn’t in his plan anyways. The doctor was about to speak again, when Yoongi’s voice sounded through the room._

_“I want to abort it.” He said quietly, but without stammering._

_The man’s face didn’t flicker and Jin’s loud gasp brought everyone’s attention to him. Yoongi gestured with eyes, that he doesn’t understand his huyng's reaction. There wasn’t a different option to begin with, he thought._

_“Yoongi, that’s-! You can’t do that.” Yoongi was caught slightly off guard._

_“What? You want me to keep it and run around the world pregnant? A gay, pregnant idol? Hyung…” he gave Jin a you-cannot-be-for-real face._

_“Yes. Ah, no! But you cannot just… kill it, Yoongi. It’s your blood… child… a gift...?”_

_Yoongi didn’t know what suddenly flew over the usually very rational hyung’s mind, but he didn’t have enough time to bother, so he choose to ignore the statement and switched his attention back._

_“So please give me a date.”_

_“It is not that simple. But to help you calm your friend here a little, I will say, that as a doctor, I was obliged to suggest abortion as well. Abortion is illegal in our country, but your pregnancy, Mr. Min, would be highly risky and could damage your body in an irreversible way, and therefore it is possible to perform the surgery as it is a special case. A man’s body and whole physique is not suitable for this kind of condition. So if you decide to undergo the termination, I can prepare the documents, but you will still need to undergo the examinations, that we didn’t manage to finish today. We will schedule our next meeting, and after it, we shall handle the documentation. Does that sound alright?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Feel free to ask me any more questions, then.”_

_“How dangerous is the intervention?”_

_“There is a chance you might not be able to produce any children in future, but it is not life-threatening. Oh, and you will need to bring the second parent. There is a law, an old, unfortunate one which is contradicting the whole idea, but nevertheless it is still effective; it states, that both biological parents need to sign.”_

_Yoongi started to cough from the blow. Jin wasn’t quite there to pat his back. “Both parents? I’m sorry, Doctor Son, but it is not possible. Is there any other way?”_

_“A parent of partner could sign as well if authorized to do so, and” doctor sighed “there is also an illegal way, which I’m supposed not to tell you about, but as I said, the law is unfortunate and I cannot agree with it in this modern time. There are no DNA tests requiered, so basically anymore can sign as second parent. But if there are no important questions, you will have to excuse me, I need to get ready.”_

_“Ah, yes…”_

_“Well, nurse Kang will need you to register and will fill you in on some details about your condition. I’m sorry again, and goodbye.” The doctor shook hands with both Yoongi and Jin and disappeared into the room._

_So Yoongi spent another 15 minutes with nurse Kang, who handed him various guides, a card which authorizes him to be treated as a Person with special needs, vitamin prescriptions and a picture of the ‘baby’. Yoongi confirmed, that his pregnancy started 4 weeks ago and they registered him into system._

 

_\---_

 

_After that, he and Jin rode home in the most awkward silence that has even occurred between them. The only thing that was said, was Jin’s: “I’m not helping you sign that”, which was met with a silence. Yoongi might or might not had been sleeping._

 

\---

 

Yoongi didn’t realize he’s fallen asleep but he woke up in the middle of a night due to the calling of Mother Nature. Sleep took some of the negative feelings away, but even in his sleepy state, he couldn’t not notice how heavy his chest felt. He opened eyes and spotted a human-like figure, limbs sprawled over his side. 'Too. Damn. Close.' After quick examination, he recognized Hoseok. He let out a defeated sigh and leant over Hoseok to get up.

“Hyung?”

“Hobi. Do you know where you are?”

“Um, at home… or…. “

“Yes, but I mean where exactly?” he put emphasis on the word ‘exactly’.

“Ah.” Hoseok understood now. He rolled on the bed silently, not making move to leave “Hyung, you were crying in your sleep.”

“I was what again?”

“Well, maybe not crying, but whimpering. I tried to ‘shoo’ at you and pinched you but you wouldn’t wake up. So I tried… well…” the words didn’t seem to come easily to the dancer.

“You tried what.” Said Yoongi, trying not so sound too intimidating, but failing. Hoseok was unfazed, though.

“I… petted your hair. And well, fell asleep in the middle of it. But at my defense, you calmed down!”. Yoongi shook head and with “Go to your bed” left the room. He couldn't be angry at the boy, even through he might be ignorant sometimes, he could see how hard was Hoseok trying to lift Yoongi's mysterious, bad mood up.

When he came back after doing his thing, Hoseok was indeed lying on Yoongi’s bed, sleeping peacefully. The blonde just sighed, rolled Hoseok to side to reclaim at least half of the bed, and fell asleep to rhythmical breathing sound of the other.


	3. Chapter 3

Since BTS’s promotions have ended, the members didn’t have that many schedules. There were few radio shows, V App recordings, some meetings with producers, but they still had few hours a day for themselves, which was a difference everyone appreciated. Some of them were using the time to hang out with friends, visit the exhibitions or performances that they were always talking about; others continued to self-reflect and try to improve their skills.

It would be exaggeration to say, the atmosphere between the members has gotten cold, but it was evidently different. After Jimin and Suga’s fight, there wasn’t any session between the members where they would talk about the group’s problems; nobody wanted to spoil their free time, so they rather decided to ignore the fact. But there was less natural interaction and usual cheerfulness. For a moment, Yoongi worried that Jin might have actually hinted something about his condition, but soon noticed the hints that the mood wasn’t down only when he was around. On the other hand, it certainly started after the fight and the feeling of being group’s tie-wrecker wasn’t adding any to his anxiety. At least, Hoseok and Taehyung seemed to be either unaffected or ignorant about the mood and somehow held everybody together by continuous jokes and skinship.

It was on the third day after _the_ hospital visit that Yoongi decided to confront Jin. Their relationship has become awkward since the ride home, close to nonexistent at this point; they haven’t spoken to each other for past days despite being roommates.

So when Yoongi came back from the studio he spent his days at, and saw Jin getting up from an armchair, heading to bathroom, he swiftly slipped in and locked the door behind them.

“Yoongi, what are you doing, can’t I take a –“

“Hyung, you’ve been avoiding me.” He stated, making a living barrier between the older and exit.

“No, I wasn’t.” Jin was looking everywhere but Yoongi, which gave away his lie.

“Let’s talk.” Yoongi said quietly, but command apparent in his voice.

There was more which Yoongi needed to discuss with the eldest, other than their strange behavior. During the time spent in studio, he was trying to figure out who to ask to help him with the hospital documentation, and after going through all his options, Jin still seemed his best shot. He couldn’t decipher Jin’s behavior in hospital and later home. He has decided to give the whole situation a little more time but because there weren’t any changes between the two in days now, in the end, he’s decided to face Jin head-on.

Yoongi was expecting Jin to try acting innocent and avoid him longer, but instead, the older only sighed and leaned on the counter.

“Yeah, I figured this isn’t taking us anywhere… look, I’ve been thinking. There’s one thing I need to make sure about. The child… I don’t think it’s anyone's from the members. Is it… another celebrity?”

Although the question was expected, he swallowed. He was still subconsciously denying the fact, he wasn’t the only parent and thus the only one responsible.

He nodded.

Jin did as well, his assumption confirmed. “Are you dating?”

“No.”

“…Will you tell him?”

“….No.”

Only suffocating silence followed, both of the singers continued to stare anywhere but the other, the rapper’s confidence has left him. He wasn’t sure if explanation was requested from him, but he still decided to be the first to break the atmosphere and turned eyes to Jin’s, which were burning a hole into the bathroom sink.

“I don’t really see telling him as an option, you know. He’s… young, and he’s got career to take care of, it would put him in a danger. Plus, he’s a stranger, I… wasn’t thinking back then. The stress was just getting to me. He wouldn’t probably tell anybody, I know that, but… I cannot trust him fully either. Even if he believed me and… didn’t call me a freak,” Yoongi shook head and laughed. He was holding onto his resolute face “How could I do this to anybody?” He made a disgusted sound at the word ‘this’.

“But what if he accepted it and wanted to have and raise this child... with or without you?” Jin whispered with hardly distinguishable voice.

“…That scares me as well.” Yoongi’s voice was hard to hear, too.

The heavy silenced resided between the two again, this time not filled with tension, only unsaid sadness.

“Jin hyung… please, help me sign the paper.”

“I won’t…”

“Why?!” Yoongi lowered his voice again, realizing he doesn’t want to lure anyone’s attention. He was more desperate than he planned to let on “You’re the only one who knows. And no one will ever know after. So, just…”

“I told you once and I know you heard me. I won’t be terminating any pregnancies. Whatever circumstances, it’s always a gift and –“

“ _Do I look happy with gift to you?_ ” Yoongi shouted, losing his composure. His hyung wasn’t thinking rationally, so why should he.

“I don’t fucking care how you look! You’re trying to kill a life, possibly even harm yourself. You don’t want it? There’re other ways - put it away, there’s so many people who want a baby but never can have one. You already fucked up, why not do something good now? Your career cannot be that important so you can take life for it…” Jin was in tears at the end of his monologue. Yoongi was only shocked at the sudden outburst, forgetting to feel wronged. He never knew Jin could bear morals like this. He wasn’t religious and Yoongi didn’t consider him a man of strong convictions, either.

“So do you need to hear my reasoning? I won’t have children. Never. I’ve known, I’m sterile since childhood. There isn’t anything I wish for more than children…”

With that, Jin has slide past Yoongi and left the bathroom. Yoongi stood there dumbfounded even when he heard the front door of the apartment closing.  
He only moved after Teahyung shook him.

“What’s happened? Why did Jin hyung left crying?” Only concern.

“...That might have been my mistake.”

 

\---

  
Jin came back after everyone’s already gone to sleep. Almost everybody, that is, because he was greeted by Yoongi’s figure, rushed to meet him in the hallway. Before he could say anything, the rapper was apologizing, bowing even. Jin followed the suit after. They finally smiled at each other after days, in silent agreement not to speak about the topic anymore. Yoongi wouldn’t speak to Jin about abortion, and Jin wouldn’t put him off it, they both could understand each other’s reason. But Yoongi felt the loss of his only support strongly.

Before falling asleep, he couldn’t but worry about how he’s back to Step 1 in his tries, how selfish and immature person he is, but mostly, how is he going to contact the one person that could help him.

Without knowing, he feel asleep calming himself by stroking his stomach.

(Was he really alone?)

 

\---

 

It was Saturday, the only day Bangtan had no schedules at all. Yoongi woke up quite early, in his opinion, before noon even. There was only one thing he swore to himself to do today, but he had the whole day for that, so he instantly decided to postpone it to later time and stay in bed until hunger or other divine intervention drives him out.

That was the plan, at least. Because few minutes after regaining consciousness, there was suddenly Kim Taehyung standing over him, poking him in different places.

  
“You wanna die?” The boy has obviously gone crazy because everybody knew that nobody disturbs Min Yoongi in bed.

Taehyung only smiled brighter, grabbing Yoongi’s arms and pulling him to sit. “Namjoon hyung wanted me to wake everyone up and tell you that we should gather in living room.”

“Fine. Tell him I’ll be there in an hour. If I’m awake.” Yoongi closed eyes to indicate the end of discussion. But suddenly arms were shoved under his back, and when he opened eyes, he could see Taehyung’s face very up close. He was held bridal style and Taehyung was making his way to living room, grinning.

“Let me down right now or –“ He was thrown on sofa.

“Nice job, Tae.” Commented Namjoon. Yoongi rolled eyes and gave him an uninterested look. It was too early to kill someone anyways.

He looked around and noticed that they all already gathered, Taehyung was just taking his place next to Jungkook. Jungkook gave him a high-five, which made Yoongi roll eyes once more. A “good morning, hyung!” came from Hoseok’s direction. Before anyone else could speak, Namjoon coughed to capture everyone’s attention.

“Um, yea, well, good morning, everyone! Thanks for gathering here and giving your free time to me. About disturbing your sleep - I’m not sorry.” he added, when Yoongi was about to grumble, gaining few smirks, “The reason for this gathering is, that as some of you might have noticed, the team atmosphere was a bit unstable past few days. Therefore, using my leader right, for today I have decided to cancel all of your trainings, and instead we are going to spend the day here, together. We can play games, watch movies, I have ordered pizza already. Yeah, you can have pizza for lunch and I’m paying,” Taehyung closed mouth, smiled and high-fived Jungkook again “And we’re starting with a short meeting. I want to hear briefly from everybody about what has made the mood as it was.”

The boys started speaking, Jimin has once again apologized to Suga about not respecting his privacy; Taehyung went about stealing and destroying Namjoon’s headphones, which gained him a small cuff on the head; Jungkook commented he felt awkward the past days, but didn’t find courage to confront anybody about it. Hoseok said he hasn’t noticed anything strange. Then it was Jin’s turn. Everybody knew about how he left the apartment in tears the night before.

“That’s… I confronted Yoongi about his health again. I couldn’t let it go. And, well…” Jin was never a good liar. It was Yoongi’s turn to protect his secret now, too.

“Yeah, he did, and I told him I’m not ready to speak about it just yet. Which is true, and I hope you all can respect that. I just want to let you know, that it’s really nothing serious and it’s not gonna endanger our activities, okay? Oh, and the reason Jin left like that is because I might have been a bit too rough about my explanations. So I’m sorry again, hyung. And also to Jimin.”

Jin just nodded, pressing hand on Yoongi’s shoulder to thank him. Jimin smiled and said he’s forgiven him already. They all agreed to wait for Yoongi until he’s ready with whatever it is, and also decided to hold the meetings more often. With that, they disbanded the circle, right at the time the pizza arrived. Everyone started to discuss the movie they want to see, trying to fit on the sofa, a tangled mess. The earlier tenseness was released and room was filled with bright atmosphere again. But Yoongi knew he needed to make this one call before he lets himself to get swept along, so he excused himself that he’ll be ‘right back’ and made his way to the bedroom he shared with Jin.

There, next to the pillow, lied his phone. He gave the thing an intimidating glare, but it only stared back blankly. He sighed and found the number he needed, faster than he wanted, because it was still burned in his memory. Then he took a deep breath and pressed Call.

 

If Yoongi had to describe his relationship with his parents in one word, it would be Duty. He made it his resolution to come home every Chuseok, especially after his brother left for America, but it gave him no positive feelings and he was sure his parents wouldn’t care if he skipped, as well. He has had a normal childhood, but the first big change came when Yoongi decided to come out to his parents. He was in love, or so he thought, and decided to believe his parents are understanding enough to accept that. But he was wrong and he was hit for the first and last time that evening. After that, they had simply given up on raising him; stopped caring whether he went to school or piano lessons, never came to his room to check up on him again. It was one of the factors that influenced Yoongi’s decision to leave for Seoul. They made themselves clear, that as long Yoongi keeps pursuing music he doesn’t need to come back at all. That was the turning point where relationship became duty. He still visits, but they don’t ask him about his life and he doesn’t stay for longer than needed. Even since he’s left home, he’s been sending money, but never once he heard ‘thanks’. It’s always him who calls first. But he believes it could be worse.

Calling his mother should be a safe way, he thought. The relationship couldn’t probably get much worse and he was sure that she wouldn’t tell anything to anyone outside because the shame would fall on her as well. He even thought about using that in ‘blackmail’, if needed.

‘It only shows how fucked up I am, that I don’t have people close enough to ask for help. Sihyuk isn’t a possibility now.”

His best friend in high school and one and only boyfriend he’s ever had, has married recently.

So he called. Yoongi counted the tones. His mother didn’t pick up after ten rings, so he locked the phone again.

‘Later. Gotta get this done today, Suga, but it’s still early, you’ve got time.’

 

\---

  
Bangtan has spent the day exactly as Namjoon wanted. They started their ‘healing day’ with romantic comedies, watched cartoons, thrillers, action movies, even some anime Jungkook has managed to slip in. They played many games, table-top and some more action found from the Internet. Taehyung and Jimin started a pranks competition, which ended with Hoseok covered in flour from head to toes. Afterwards, they were almost tickled to death and it was so cute that Yoongi couldn’t help but laugh.

Jin made some more food, but when the night came, nobody was tired yet and all agreed that they craved junk food. Few minutes later, they were on their way to Chicken house close by, hats and masks on.

 

\---

  
Everyone was just laughing at Jimin, who drank Cola seasoned with salt, a generosity of Kim Taehyung, when Yoongi’s phone rang. He looked at the caller’s name and excused himself to bathroom. With shaky hands he answered it.

“Hello, mom?”

_“Yoongi. How unusual of you to call… Do you need anything?_ ” ‘So the general idea is, that I can’t call unless I need something. She’s right, anyways…’

“Um, yeah. It might be a bit hard to comprehend, but there’s something I need your help with.”

_“Just make it quick, please, I’m meeting friend in a while._ ” Yoongi couldn’t feel any sense of proximity at all. It was scaring him more than he had expected. Her lack of interest was making his blood boil, but he succeeded to sound indifferent.

“Actually, mom, what if I told you a doctor found out I have an intersex body?” he shot in darkness.

_“Oh yes, we were told at your birth. But it all turned out well as you're a boy. What of it?”_   he saw his face in the mirror, and it went few shades paler in matter of seconds, if that was possible.

_“Yoongi, you there? Whatever this is, I don't –“_ she was starting to sound annoyed, maybe because of his silence.

“So you’re saying you knew? And never bothered to tell me? Have you really never given a fuck about me?” his tone was dangerously low.

“ _I don’t see how would it change anything. We agreed to tell you when you’re an adult, but there wasn’t the right occasion later. Don’t be so over-dramatic, please.”_

She seemed to be making herself look as the wronged side with her uniterested tone, and Yoongi had to support his body on the sink. He wasn’t sure if he was shaking from anger or the sudden nausea.

“Doesn’t change anything? Sure, nothing, only  _my whole life_!” Yoongi couldn’t pretend to be fine after listening to this cold-blooded woman “You know what it changes? Maybe that I’m fucking pregnant now, just because you never found time to tell me what I deserved to know! I know you couldn’t care less, but your son’s career is on line here, your money included, you’re welcome by the way, so I fucking expect you to come up here and help me through this. We don’t need to see each other again after.” Yoongi tried to look at himself in the mirror, but his vision wasn’t clear enough. He wiped tears in his sleeve. He was going to see this through to the end.

There was silence on the other side of receiver. Yoongi checked if the call was still through, but it was.

_“…You’re telling me, you got knocked up?_ ” the woman’s voice.

“Yes, so if you –“

“ _Oh my God, that is so unnatural.”_

Yoongi’s breath got caught.

_“We let you live under our roof and this is what we get?! I kept telling myself that it's only a phase, that you'll grow into a reason... For what? What have I ever done for our son to turn out like this? Actually, what son - I only have one, since you’re obviously not even a man?! You’re a... a distortion, a cruel joke. And oh my God, now you're having a child of another faggot... why does this happen to me, you've ruined this family!_

_Don’t call me anymore, don’t come back here if you still carry any affection for your family._

_Please._ ”

And the phone went deaf.

Yoongi unknowingly hugged his tummy and slide by the bathroom’s wall, crying his eyes out. There wasn’t a place for him anywhere.

 

\---

  
Hoseok and Namjoon were just arguing about what came first, egg or chicken, because Namjoon insisted it’s important to know where the food we eat comes from, when the bathroom door finally opened again. Hoseok watched as Yoongi exited it and quickly walked past their table and straight out of the shop. Nobody failed to notice how the rapper held his stomach as if he’s sick and what’s more, that he’s been obviously crying, face bloated, eyes red. It took Hoseok only a second to recollect thoughts, stand up and rush after him.

“Don’t follow –“ he heard Jin saying to either his empty spot or other members.

Hoseok panicked. He contemplated whether or not confront the older one about his moods for a week now. It was really obvious to him that there’s something wrong with Yoongi. He didn’t joke as much, he kept avoiding them, and hell, he even let Hoseok sleep in his bed that one night without beating him up. But he never asked, he was afraid, that it could hurt the other even more, if he let him know he’s noticed; that he looks broken, so in the end, he chose to follow Yoongi’s example and pretend everything is as always. He only allowed himself to spoil the rapper a bit more than normally, unnoticed.

Seeing Yoongi as vulnerable as now was a new experience. He knew, the rapper was easily swept by emotions and liked to conceal that with a faked pose, but no matter how anxious he might have been inside, he never allowed himself to cry in front of the members or fans. At least not this obviously.

Hoseok spotted Yoongi walking to the left, a different side than where the dorm was at. He wasn’t running, so it was easy for Hoseok to catch up and grab Yoongi’s hand to try and yank him to look his direction, all without words. Yoongi struggled but Hoseok was stronger and applied a bit more force. Yoongi’s body collided with Hoseok’s and the dancer caught the blonde’s fragile-looking body in a firm embrace.

To Hoseok’s slight surprise, Yoongi gave in and let himself be hugged, forehead rested on dancer’s shoulder where it crashed before. He looked so tiny.

Hoseok found a courage to lift Yoongi’s head with one of his hands and look him in the face. His heart broke at the sad sight. Yoongi’s eyes looked hopeless, like all their usual light and passion has left them. He wanted to console him, stroke his head and whisper him sweet empty words, but couldn’t. His eyes stung as he pulled the older in even tigher embrace.

They stood like that some seconds which seemed like millennium, until Yoongi’s body stopped violently shaking.

“Hoseok… I’m disgusting. I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have… anybody. I’m just a bother.” Hoseok managed to repress the shivers of fear when he heard the broken voice but tears were now wetting his face.

“What are you saying? Of course you have us, the members and the fans, we all love you, and your home is right here, by our side.”

“But what-… what if I betrayed you? The trust you all put in me… it’s so- so- undeserved. I’m not that good person.”

“Yoongi hyung… look at me.”

Yoongi made no move, so Hoseok gently placed his hands on rapper’s cheekbones and lifted his head, forcing him to meet his gaze.

“We are all human. We make mistakes and learn from them, and no mistake… no mistake is grave enough that it couldn’t be forgiven.”

Yoongi still looked uncertain and Hoseok showed him a gentle smile, although his heart was about to burst from all the emotions he tried to conceal.

“Please, don’t ever think you are not needed. You are a precious person; talented, warm, with beautiful heart. If that would help, I could tell you every day. If you cannot trust yourself just yet, trust us, trust… me. You don’t need to be alone.”

Hoseok’s tears, same as Yoongi’s, have stopped and he suspected he was blushing. He never expected to bare his heart to this extent, but he knew it was the right thing to do.

  
“So, let’s go home together now, okay, hyung?”

Yoongi only silently nodded as they turned around in the direction of their home. Hoseok’s arm never broke the closeness and stayed on Yoongi’s back the whole 5 minutes’ walk.

  
It was the second the second night that week, when Yoongi has fallen asleep under Hoseok’s caring look and soft touch.


	4. Chapter 4

Three weeks passed since he broke down before the members that night. Against expectations, it has somehow helped him to become more at ease, calmer. The members didn’t ask him about his fit as they promised, and even though their behavior towards him changed a little, he learnt not to complain about the new care he was receiving. Sometimes, he walked into an occupied room and it suddenly became quiet, assuring him he was the topic of discussion, but he cope with that. It was the price he was paying for his secrecy, he knew that.

Falling asleep on the same bed as Hoseok has become a regular thing now. Yoongi was first shy about it and tried to show it by being rude, but Hoseok always laughed it off and refused to move. Eventually, Yoongi gave in and decided to just enjoy the mostly peaceful sleep it was bringing him. During the nights that he was left alone, he sometimes woke up to cold sweat and breathing difficulties. At one of those nights, he found out that caressing his tummy helped. He tried not to think about the reason.

\---

Yoongi has already visited the doctor’s three times. The first time he came and involuntarily informed the doctor that he still hasn’t found a person to sign abortion papers with him, Mr. Son announced him a bit too enthusiastically that he was able to contact an American specialist on men’s pregnancies, and that she agreed to help through online sessions. Yoongi hasn’t met her yet, but Mr. Son has started consulting with her already.

Jin always agreed to keep driving him to the hospital, but waited in the car until the check-up was over and afterwards asked if everything was alright, to which Yoongi only nodded. Aside from being warned about moving around too much, there were no problems with the baby’s development. After the last check-up, Yoongi was obviously more shaken. Jin didn’t ask him about it and Yoongi didn’t explain, it was because he was able to distinguish some of the embryo’s physical features on ultrasound for the first time.

\---

There were many things Yoongi felt scared about at the moment, but currently two stood above others. Firstly, even though he could feel the time slipping through his fingers past weeks, suddenly there were only two weeks left in which he could undergo the abortion, and he still didn’t find the second signer. A week before, he finally decided to ask his best friend for help, but he didn’t even get to explain it was actually him being pregnant and he was refused by Sihyuk’s reasoning that he’s now married and has new responsibility, and cannot afford the risk of his name coming up somewhere later. He wished Yoongi luck and left him only with bitterness in mouth. Amongst the people he felt closer to, only Bangtan members were left, but admitting the problem to them was something he refused right from start. In his weakest times, he wavered few times about whether to tell Hoseok, seeing how stuck on Yoongi’s well-being he was, but managed to defend his resolution every time. Maybe exactly because he felt closer to him than ever lately. He didn’t want to lose that.

The second thing he was scared about was his company. There was no way, they wouldn’t find out about the condition and possible intervention sooner or later. He remembered, that in his contract, there was a part that he signed and in which he gave the company a full access to his medical records. It was only a matter of some of the Big Hit workers requesting the documentation after some of their check-ups.

‘And if they’re going to know anyways, I should just deal with this now and make it work in my favor before it’s too late…’

So he found himself standing in front of the office of the company’s CEO. His throat felt dry and uncomfortable, his head was buzzing, but he still forced himself to lift a hand and knock on the door.

‘It’s fine, you’ve practiced, Suga…’

“Come in!”

\---

Bang Sihyuk was sitting behind his desk and smiling. He seemed to be in a good mood but that sure wasn’t helping Yoongi any.

“Oh, Yoongi? Do you need anything? You can take a seat…”

“Thank you, I’d rather stand.” Yoongi eyed the surely expensive leather chair as if the comfort of it could weaken his resolution.

“Ah, fine. So what is it?”

“I-… I don’t think going around it will help. The thing is, I kinda messed up and now I’m pregnant… with a baby. It’s unlikely but possible because I have both female and male reproductive organs, and yeah, I seriously had no idea that it’s even possible. I wouldn’t be able to keep it secret from you even if I tried.” Short and concise, as planned. Yoongi’s heart started beating for the first time since he’s entered the office. Although he himself admitted it didn’t sound convincingly at all.

“S’cuse me?” the man’s smile was replaced with an expression that shouted that he didn’t quite comprehend any of it, or didn’t want to.

“Oh… I brought some pictures and documents to prove it.” Yoongi took out a stack of papers which he was clutching in a pocket the whole time, and placed it in front of his boss, a little wet from sweat “and aside from… you know, informing you, the second reason I came is to ask you for an assistance with abortion. I wanted to take care of it alone but unfortunately, there is law that wouldn’t let me. I’m at the end of first trimester and there is only two weeks, in which it can be carried out. I know it’s a lot to ask, and I just want to let you know, that I came here ready to face any consequences.” Yoongi hoped he looked stabile enough, because he sure didn’t feel like it and kind of wished to faint to escape the situation.

The man moved his gaze from Yoongi’s eyes to the papers on his desk. He slowly picked it up browsed through them. He put them down again in what seemed like ages, leaned his back in the armchair and sighed.

Sighed.

Yoongi expected to be shouted at or even get punched at this moment, what he didn’t expect was that the man would look calm and sigh.

“I’m not going to fire you or hit you, Yoongi, the more in your condition. I could never. But I want you to try and explain to me, what made you decide for the abortion? Is it because of your career? Or is someone threating you?”

Yoongi knew he looked as dumbfounded as he felt. “W-well, of course the career. I haven’t told anybody, well, except for Jin-- oh, he’s not the dad. The dad just… isn’t here” Mr. Bang urged him to continue by staying silent “And I know nothing about babies? They are small, fragile, cry a lot, need a lot of care… I’m not a woman and cannot substitute one… or I think. And well, the child would one day ask where’s his mom and I would have no explanation.” his voice was getting higher as he spoke, he knew he was blabbering. “And just… I’m a man.” he added weakly.

‘What am I saying, this is not what I planned…’

The CEO let out another sigh and stood up from his chair, moved to stand in front of the rapper. He lifted one of his hands in direction towards him. Yoongi inadvertently took a step back, fearing what is the man going to do, he wasn’t ready to give up his convictions about the outcome of this seating – it was going to end in blood or tears. The CEO was persistent though and try lifting his hand again. Yoongi closed eyes, waiting for the impact, but it never came. There was only a soft squeeze on his shoulder. He opened eyes again and eyed the arm on him, after that he turned his look to the man, who was wearing gentle expression on his wrinkled face.

“Yoongi” he started, caring look in his eyes “I won’t lie to you that I’m not angry. I’m furious. You are an adult and things like this shouldn’t just happen. But anger won’t change the fact. I must say, I’m disappointed… I have always considered you something like my children and seeing you so afraid to speak to me your mind hurts. I don’t make a good father myself, you see” the man laughed heartily and continued. “Of course, I’m gonna help you through this. But I don’t think you were able to consider all your opinions carefully yet due to your natural uneasiness. I will tell you right now that a baby doesn’t need to mean an end of career, the things you spoke about is something every parent-to-be naturally worries about. You could still make music, stay a part of the group, even though you wouldn’t be able to stand beside them for some time. You could take break, for example, I can give you a year to safely deliver the baby and then you can decide what you want to do next. You’re still young.”

Listening to his speech, Yoongi felt himself growing weaker. The man was presenting him something he was trying so hard to deny, bury inside himself. But every time he thought he has succeeded, it later came back, exhibiting itself in small motions as the calmness he felt when he felt asleep with hands touching his stomach; the continuous studies he performed on the black and white photos or how he occasionally caught himself having a monologue with his tummy. He hated how little it took to make him so undermined. He has changed.

“So I ask you again, why do you want to abort the baby?”

“Because I’m scared.”

The man smiled. “Scared of what? A responsibility? Reaction of those close to you? That you’re not good enough?”

Yoongi only nodded. He wasn’t going to cry, his body felt frozen, robbed of all emotions. He only wondered, how it was possible that the man understood him so perfectly. ‘I’ve always thought I’m good at hiding my emotions and thoughts, but I wasn’t even close…’ His fans would be proud of him.

“Yoongi… you are forgetting that no matter how hurt you might had been in past, you have made a new family here. There’s so many people who care for you and will help you through whatever hardships because they know you would do the same for us….

…I’m not asking you to keep the baby, that’s solely your decision to make. A promise is hard to make but I swear that whatever you decide, I will help. I can lend you hand with the abortion, or…give you a place to live, time and support.” The man laughed, then his face went sad “We’ve been trying with my wife to have a child for more than ten years but her health makes it impossible to carry a child till the delivery. I’m only saying, that we both would be glad to help.”

Everyone at the company has met Mrs. Bang at least once. She was a motherly figure, a housewife, extremely tiny but happy woman, who often brought them homemade food or sweets during their practices.

Yoongi didn’t feel like he deserved this generosity. Without realizing he squeezed his sweatshirt where it was touching his abdomen and closed eyes. He was close to tears but couldn’t allow himself to let them fall. The man before him was so positive, the opposite of him.

“Don’t worry about undergoing the abortion on time, if you decide for it, we can sure arrange it so that you go under knife the next day. But, don’t tell me the decision just yet, I want you to take few days for yourself and think. Can you do that?”

Yoongi nodded again and opened eyes just in time to see the smaller man awkwardly wrap his arms around Yoongi in a hug. He felt him patting his back. “It’s gonna be fine…”

And for once, Yoongi believed.

\---

The director told Yoongi to take break from the group practices. He gladly accepted it because he had to admit that in past days, his body was no longer able to cope with the intensity of the drills. He could practice for 30 minutes and then felt nauseous for hours, sleepy but couldn’t sleep at night, food was tasteless. The pains in stomach were the worst because they didn’t only hurt him physically but also psychically. The thought of hurting the tiny one was somehow worse than abortion for him.

The last time he went for a regular check-up, the doctor has told him that upon entering the second trimester, it won’t take long and his stomach would start showing and he would be practically house-bound due to the risky pregnancy. He didn’t bother then, but after the talk with boss, he decided to take better care of himself for time being.

When he came back that evening, he found Jin and Jungkook watching some fantasy movie at home. Jungkook has hurt his leg and Jin took him back and then ended up skipping with him. They didn’t ask Yoongi any questions about disappearing from practice room and coming home early.

“Hyung! Wanna join us? We have the Honey and Butter chips from fans!”

“Yeah, why not.” Yoongi shrugged and sat on the end of the sofa they shared.

‘I should talk with them before I lose the courage to do so.’

“Guys. Have you ever thought, how would it be for you, if one of us needed to leave the group? Like, really needed, because of family issues, health, or whatever…” he succeeded to make it sound nonchalantly.

Jungkook turned his head swiftly to frown at his hyung. “Of course not. I don’t want to think about so it won’t happen…”

‘He’s the baby.’ Yoongi chuckled.

“I think” Jin carefully chose words, knowing there’s more than said behind the question “that I would still stay in contact and tried to help them as I could. You’re family, not just colleagues to me.”

Yoongi didn’t say anything and after few minutes of staring at the screen without taking in the movie, he excused himself under the reason of being sleepy. He really needed to think.

\---

He was lying down. He tried to tune in into the positive mindset he was presented after his confession, letting the long suppressed emotions take over himself. He decided to figure out what’s currently most important for him in life. It has always been music, but after joining the idol group known as Bangtan Boys, he’s changed. There wasn’t simply music to him now, it was securely intertwined with people involved. After thinking for a while, he realized it’s pointless, that his mind keeps going round in circles. It has always ended showing him smiley faces of his housemates.

“Emotionless Min Yoongi? I’m doomed.” He laughed to himself.

He fished for his phone, placed in a drawer behind bed’s headboard together with hormone pills, and typed into the searching engine his name, switching to pictures and videos. He stared at the pictures of him that fans favorited and sent to the front page. A pictures of him sending a ‘loving’ stare to the members. A picture of him holding them to shield them from the crowds. A video of him crying during a talk at concert, where everyone was talking about their parents. He remembered it now - later at backstage, one after another, the members came and comforted him. How could he forget?

‘Maybe… instead of being depressed, I should have noticed how much of fool for them I was, even blind can see it from this. Maybe… music is no longer the only thing I need. Maybe, I need security. And l-love.’

With that, Yoongi took a long look at his lap and reached for the hem of his shirt. He was so lost in the moment that he didn’t notice Jin enter the room.

“Yoongi?” he asked softly from behind the younger’s bedrest.

The blonde rolled the shirt down hastily, worried that he was caught. He relaxed only when Jin’s figure entered his sight and moved to sit down on the bed he was in.

They both felt slightly embarrassed about the private moment that was forcefully ended.

“… Is it showing?” Jin nodded in direction of Yoongi’s belly.

“Slightly. Not really.”

“Can I have a look?”

They were both slightly embarrassed. Yoongi eyed Jin indecisively before pulling the shirt back up.

“It’s nothing like pregnancy lump, but the lines on my stomach have gone and it’s slightly bulging now. Like if I were stuffed full all the time.” The corners of his mouth turned up.

  
Jin seemed amazed, but Yoongi spotted slight hurt in his eyes and placed the shirt down again. Jin blinked and propped himself on the wall behind bed.

“Yoongi… the question. What was it about?” he asked quietly.

“I talked with the CEO today.” Jin gave him interested look. “You know… he told me he fully supports me if I decide to keep it…”

Jin’s eyes opened wide. “He did? That’s great! But…” his voice went quiet again “what do you think?”

“I think… I should consider my options.”

Jin stared at Yoongi for a bit longer and then suddenly smiled wide and pulled the younger into a tight hug, rocked him from side to side in their sitting position.

“Mom is so proud of you!”

“Hyung, that’s just disgusting. Beside I haven’t said I am keeping it. Also, you’re choking m-me…”

Jin loosened the hug, still not showing his face to Yoongi.

“I know. But I’m somehow really happy. I will support you no matter what, too…”

‘Thank you’ Yoongi mouthed and smiled to himself.

\---

That night, Hoseok has decided to share Yoongi’s bed. The older was deep in thought when another body landed on his bed.

“Yah, I’m feeling good today, leave.”

“So cold. I don’t want to. Maybe I am not feeling well.”

That took Yoongi unawares.

“What could bother a light head like you?”

“Hm? You would be surprised. I do have worries, you know.”

“As in? And don’t tell me it’s something like which cornflakes to eat for breakfast.”

“Ouch, hyung.” Hoseok whined “For example, I worry about things I can’t understand by myself without explanation.”

Yoongi felt the mood go down and he wondered if the younger was implying something. He tried to shake the unpleasantness off with a joke.

“Then just everything in the world must worry you.”

“Are you saying I’m dumb?”

“I don’t know, am I?”

Yoongi heard the younger snort and they fell silent. Yoongi spoke after minutes, not really checking whether is the younger sleeping or not.

“… I was really blind, wasn’t I?”

Only silence for few seconds.

“You still are.” Hoseok tried to flinch Yoongi’s forehead, but hit his eyebrow instead.

Yoongi growled. “You’re this close to get kicked off the bed, my bed, if you don’t explain the allusions you keep making.”

“What? ‘m not. Let’s just sleeeep.”

Yoongi wasn’t happy with the answer, but sleepiness has started bugging him so he decided to continue the discussion another time.

He fell asleep listening to Hoseok’s quiet snores.

\---

Hoseok lied for another ten minutes after Yoongi’s breath became deep and consistent. Then he propped himself over the older man, faces mere centimeters apart, so that he could distinguish the features that he knew so well in the dark. He lifted one hand and hesitated before placing it on the blonde’s smooth cheek and stroking in very slowly back and forth.

He didn’t smile.

Then he got up and left the room to sleep alone tonight.

 

(After the door clicked closed, Jin’s clear sigh sounded from his part of room.)  
 


	5. Chapter 5

In the next week, Yoongi still participated in the group schedules, skipping only on the physically demanding practices. In the newly gained time without others around, he kept himself busy, either working, scrolling through the fancafe posts or watching variety shows. He liked it, relaxing for once was very different from the uneasiness he felt every time before performance; the fatigue, when there was too many schedules; unending hunger, sore muscles and other more or less stressful things. He’s even gotten better with the occasional nauseas and waves of hunger as there was always time and means to deal with it.

His fear of his state endangering his work was proving itself as baseless. He affirmed himself, he could still work on his music without any difficulties. He didn’t need to fish for lyrics when writing, they came to his relaxed mind naturally and for once, using only the props he bought back when he arrived in Seoul, he was satisfied with his work after a long time.

Of course, aside from simply relaxing, there was still the decision he needed to make, always bugging from the back of his head.

He became overall calmer after fully reviewing and coming in terms with his options – there wasn’t only abortion. Adoption was one way, and after listening to both Jin and Mr. Bang, he felt it would be selfish not to consider it.

The scarier option, but still possible, was actually becoming a parent. He forced himself to consider it, but every time he allowed his brain to show him a picture of himself holding a little bundle of joy, his defense mechanism shut it down. He wouldn’t probably be able to provide for the baby what it deserved and that scared him the most. He himself has only had bad experiences with parenting, after all.

He could no longer deny he was responsible for another life, or ending it. There was a life, a tiny and fragile human inside of him. He caught himself to turn to his belly for answers more than few times. It was always warm and calm, a contradiction to the chaotic thoughts he had. He was now checking the bulge every day, and he was probably imagining it but he could swear he saw changes on its size and shape. It was fascinating, he was ever so clueless about this as he had never been interested in women, children or things that didn’t concern him in general. He felt like a child first learning about the wonders of our world.

He knew he’s slowly moving away from the previous conviction more and more, but he chose to ignore it.

‘It’s the fucking hormones, the pills are turning me into a real woman.’

 

Making the decision was his biggest fear now, as the reason for aborting and his previous biggest fear of giving up his dreams were taken from him. He knew his mental barrier has crumbled, and it was scaring him. Just how much there was that he didn’t know about himself? The Yoongi he knew wouldn’t be considering going through the troubles the next months would bring him, he would selfishly act on impulse, not looking around, denying what doesn’t fit him. But on the other hand, he wasn’t sure he knew this Yoongi that well to begin with. He was always refusing the sensitive and emotional parts of him to the point it became part of his natural behavior.

He tried to search for reasons, which would support the termination of the pregnancy, but they didn’t come easily, and when they did, they weren’t as strong as the ones pushing him forward to the opposite outcome. Should he abort because of his health? The abortion itself could cause his body a great damage and his pregnancy was going smooth contrary to expectations, no. How would he explain to the wider surroundings? He knew it was a big thing, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He trusted it would somehow work out and he could keep it a secret, with an unexpected help on top of that, and the only people who he needed to know, were his housemates.

In the end, he has turned to the Internet. He went through forums on maternity, looking specifically for the abortion threads. He clicked his way through to the discussion of people, who underwent the treatment, illegally mostly and because they have committed similar mistake to Yoongi’s, but he was only disappointed about the posts. They just seemed so _immature_ , short posts with bad grammar, even rude threats, blaming the usually one-time partners and other. He could blame the forum for being strange, but he still wondered, how people with this kind of thinking could know, what the right thing to do is. Others, who lost their children unwillingly were replying to the posts, saying these people are the reason abortion was illegal.

He has found and opened an expert’s article about abortion to learn and understand the procedure, but he never got further than few pages. Especially the uncensored pictures made him want to puke his guts out. He needed to lay and calm down after that. He didn’t imagine it to be such a brutal intervention, and for a while he understood, why Jin called it _killing_.

In moments like these, he calmed himself with his hand patting the belly. It became a subconscious every day’s action.

‘I might just kill the next president of Korea, for all I know.’ He tried to distract himself by joking from the fact that his heart has probably already made its decision for him.

Now, he needed to think of how to verbalize it in near future and hope his voice or brain wouldn’t leave him alone in this.

‘Shit. I’m having a baby.’

“Fuck the hormones.” He concluded.

 

\---

 

After knocking, he was asked to come in, same as the last time he visited the CEO’s office.

“Yoongi!” the man abruptly stood from his chair and walked over to Yoongi, who stood still by the door even after closing it.

“Hello, Mr. Bang.” He surprised himself, how light and resolute his voice sounded. He planned not to let any doubts in and it was working.

“Maybe you should sit down this time.” The man patted his back, directing him to a chair. Yoongi let him and sank on the chair.

“So, I think I have decided. I’m gonna regret this, but… yeah.”

The man nodded, looking more nervous than Yoongi felt and he sneered at that inside his head.

“I will keep the baby. At least until it’s born.” He added.

A big smile appeared on the man’s face and he reached for a handkerchief to wipe sweat from his forehead.

“I hoped you would. Actually…” the man started buzzing around, moving to his chair and searching through the papers. Yoongi had to smile at his energy “…I have already tried looking into some estates and I think I found a perfect one, the one you could stay in. If you plan on staying in Seoul, that is, of course.”

“…I guess? I cannot really go home, I got that quite clearly.” He tried not to look shocked at how the man probably expected his decision and prepared for it. Even he himself didn’t know what he would decide for until the end. He wondered again if it’s only him, who couldn’t understand himself.

The man’s face darkened, but he didn’t comment on Yoongi’s words. “Well, then I think it’s the first thing we should take care of. I can arrange it, so you can move during next week. And Yoongi” he continued “I have discussed your situation with my wife and she is more than willing to help you with anything needed, be it going to the hospital, groceries, cleaning or cooking. I don’t want you to feel bad about it. I want you to understand as our free will, okay? You can refuse, too.”

“Alright, I think some help will be appreciated. Thank you.”

“I will also need to inform at least two of your managers. They should help with the moving and whatever will be needed later inside the company. Is that alright?”

Yoongi nodded, he expected that. The company wasn’t a one-man business after all and letting the managers know didn’t scare him.

“Now then, to the most important matter.”

The atmosphere in the room went down suddenly, Yoongi managed not to shiver with difficulty.

“You will need to take a temporary leave from the group, a break really, and we will need to inform the public about it. I think it’s the best if the company handles that, what do you think?”

“Yes, I thought about that and I also think that’s for the best. I thought I could blame it to psychical problems. That’s probably the most used and easiest way to explain why certain celebrities disappear for some time.”

“That’s exactly my idea. Then, if we agree on this, I will cancel all of your schedules, starting from tomorrow and it would be for the best if you didn’t leave the dorm at all in next days. We can deliver the news about your break next week, the details can be specified later. Maybe, you could still post to social networks until then. Hint something, just not too obviously. For credibility, you know.”

“Sure.” He felt bad about lying to the fans, he promised once that he would never do that and not even a year later, he’s breaking the promise. He tried to comfort himself that it’s a white lie, the one that’s the best for everybody.

“And Yoongi, you know that you will have to tell the boys, right? I cannot help you with that.”

He clenched fists before opening them again and he spoke hesitantly. “Of course I will… Just no matter hard I thought, I couldn’t think of the right way.”

“Maybe honesty is the best way in these situations.”

Yoongi abruptly lifted head and looked the man in his serious eyes.

“Don’t worry about them too much. You have a bond. It might hurt them for a while, but you will overcome that together.”

“Maybe…”

He left the office with mixed feelings.

 

\---

 

They boys were surprised when the manager walked in their practice room and turned down the volume to inform them that Suga is taking a break from any group activities for few days. They were supposed to start learning a new choreography for their next comeback after the weekend and even though they didn’t speak about it in more than hints, all have have been wondering for a while now, why didn’t Suga join their efforts to get ready for that yet. It was without doubts that he was probably the most self-conscious one, when it came to their performance.

 

After returning to the dorm, tired and sweaty, they found Yoongi reading a book in the living room, and the rapper greeted them as if there were never any tension or questions between them. When none of them made a move to leave from Yoongi’s range of sight, he turned his gaze to them, frowning.

“What? You stare like you saw a celebrity.” He lifted a corner of his mouth in amused expression.

“Hyung…” started Namjoon, taking the responsibility as a true leader “Sejin-hyung has told us, you won’t be joining the comeback preparations for some time.”

Yoongi eyed them, everyone wore a serious expression. He sighed. “It’s true. I really won’t.”

Namjoon took a deep breath. “Then I think it’s about the time you explain us why that is. I know, we promised to wait for you until you’re ready, but on the other side, you swore that your whatever-secret-state won’t be affecting the group’s activities. And it is now.”

“You were so positive lately, I thought you were feeling better finally…” Jimin added with worried face, and Taehyung and Hoseok nodded in agreement.

Yoongi eyed them and then slowly turned his look away, clapped the book closed and gently placed it next him on the leathery material. He cleared his throat and without turning his gaze back to make a contact, he exclaimed only “Right…”

The members waited silently for the explanation that wasn’t coming.

“Could I…” Yoongi breathed out “Could I have just one more day?”

He looked vulnerable, avoiding their gazes and sitting with back straightened.

“Yes, one more day.” Said Taehyung and others couldn’t force themselves to protest.

Yoongi went straight to his room, which was an obvious indication that that’s the end of today’s discussion.

He needed to prepare for it. He would surely do it the next day.

 

\---

 

In the end, Yoongi has managed to postpone the confession by two days. One day, he was granted when Jimin and Jungkook decided to stay the night at the company practicing, the second, when he pretended to be asleep and to his relief wasn’t woken.

But he knew, he couldn’t run from it anymore. It was Sunday. The members’ drills were starting tomorrow and it would mean, that the idols would practically move to the company for some time. Also, Bang PD has contacted him yesterday night to let him know, the moving was scheduled on Tuesday.

 

When he heard the front door beep unlocked, he’s cracked his body, breathed in and made his way to the living room.

“Hey, can we talk?” he tried to sound nonchalantly as he made himself comfortable on the sofa.

“Just a minute, hyung! I need to pee real bad.” Jungkook gave him a sorry face and disappeared into bathroom. Other members seated themselves around the tea table.

There was an uncomfortable silence and because Yoongi knew, he was the reason for that, he spoke first.

“So, how was the practice?”

“Same as every day, seen no sunshine all day.” replied Namjoon and it went silent again.

They all relaxed only when Jungkook returned from the toilet and with ‘sorry’ sat on the floor next to Taehyung. All heads now turned to Yoongi, to his displeasure.

“So, hyung… shall we now?” Namjoon tried to show him an encouraging smile.

“Yeah. Well, there is something I really need to tell you, but” Yoongi wasn’t looking at any of them and bit his lower lip before continuing “…it’s not easy, okay?”

Some nodded.

“You all know, I wasn’t quite well lately. Well, figures, I didn’t exactly leave the room for few days, right? The thing is, I might have looked a bit better the past few days, but to be honest… it’s not better. My condition isn’t. And because of that,” he closed his eyes “after discussion with Bang PD we decided, I will be taking a break from Bangtan for the time being.”

Yoongi heard few gasps and he only imagined how shocked would they look. ‘Well, at least _I_ would be out of my mind.’ He made himself continue without more delay, so he wouldn’t lose courage.

“And when I say time being, I mean, I don’t know how long that is. I might be back in half a year… or a year later… but I’m not leaving for good. I will probably even be composing from home, who knows what else. I’m just not gonna be _here_. I hope you could understand that, but it’s a bit too much to ask, I know.” his voice traced away. He wanted to face palm himself for not being able to tell the whole truth.

“Hyung…” he heard Taehyung’s low voice “what is actually wrong with you? You don’t have c-cancer, or something do you? Will it actually get better, right…?” Everyone could hear the scare in his words.  Yoongi felt a tug of regret in his stomach again.

“I will be fine, I promise. And I know I’m a selfish bastard, but I cannot tell you details. Just not yet.” He hoped everyone recognized the plea in his voice.

“When then.” Namjoon’s voice was strong and dangerously low. Yoongi turn to look at him and his heart sank.

“A few months, maybe. Just, eventually.”

“You say _Maybe-“_ Namjoon has raised voice, he was ready to shout, but was cut off by the maknae.

“Hyung, is there any way for us to help?” There was an emphatic plea.

“You… what?” Yoongi has laughed, shaking his head.

“Kookie… Ah, Fuck! There is nothing you could do to help me. Just… try to not to hate me? Be on the phone, on the messenger, don’t ignore me, and be there, okay? Otherwise I’m going to drown your phones once I’m back, actually.” Yoongi tried to joke, but his voice failed him and the chuckle came out as a breath of hurting person. He hoped he was showing his care.

Taehyung was staring at Yoongi, eyes watery.

“I don’t understand why can’t we meet you and support you in person! Even if you were to be hospitalized somewhere, ill and even paler than now, it’s better to see you and… I could feed you and peel apples for you…” the boy’s voice traced away with the tears which were now flowing from his eyes. Jin has moved to sit next to him, grabbed Taehyung by shoulders and the younger boy buried his face against hyung’s sweatshirt without prodding. Jungkook has rested his face on knees, not making any sounds and not looking up.

“Thank you, Tae. But you have to trust me, it has to be this way. Let’s video chat, alright?”

Taehyung nodded, nuzzling face in the sweatshirt.

“So when are you leaving?” Jin asked, voice quiet and calm.

“This Tuesday.”

There was another round of gasps. Few seconds later, Namjoon stood up and without looking back entered his room and slammed the door behind him in an expressive gesture.

There was silence again.

“Then… we should throw a ‘Get Well’ party tomorrow. Not a farewell one, you know… because you are still going to return… eventually…” Jimin said, his voice dangerously shaky.

Yoongi smiled at him. “Thank you.”

There was no more conversation after and in few minutes, everybody left to their respective rooms, lost in thoughts, leaving only Hoseok who seemed to be frozen in place. Yoongi felt like he should approach the younger boy, pat him on his back, make a conversation, just anything, but he was too ashamed and confused to do anything at all. So he only touched the dancer’s shoulder as he was walking towards the bedroom and hoped he understood.

 

Hoseok came to lay next to the older rapper an hour later, doing so without uttering a word. Yoongi wondered if he sat at the room’s floor the whole time, but didn’t break the moment by asking and didn’t move to eyes the man. He believed that they felt the same at the moments – no words, no touches were needed, only the other’s calming presence.

 

\---

 

Yoongi stood in his part of room, which was clean and empty as never before. The manager has already taken the last packed box downstairs to the truck, leaving Yoongi alone in the dorm to say his goodbyes to his living place of 2 years.

He slowly strolled from his room to the living room, then kitchen. He was taking the leave much better than he had expected. Wherever he looked, a face or an event appeared on his mind, making him smile and leaving a faint warm feeling behind. He wasn’t leaving them for good.

He looked over to the sofa, at which he spent so many evenings and nights, happy or depressing.

 

\---

 

_When the party ended with no alcohol involved and only few forced laughs, the boys started to get ready for sleep. Yoongi stayed behind in the kitchen only with Namjoon and after few awkward moments, the younger moved to face Yoongi._

_“Hyung” he started “you know, today at the practice room, I got scolded pretty badly from Jin-hyung.”_

_They both smiled because they imagined Jin’s scolding, everyone’s been through it at least once and it wasn’t pleasant memories._

_“I just” Namjoon lowered his look “I’m not sure I can forgive you. You tell us nothing and expect us to understand. While you locked yourself in here, I had to watch the boys to wail about you being sick, then leaving. And it’s always me, who needs to stay strong for them and keep them together. What I mean to say is-“ Namjoon raise his voice, when he saw Yoongi breathe in to interrupt him “yes, you are a bastard. But I cannot hate you. I love you all, the boys do too, and I hope you could realize that and trust us. I wanna believe your reasons, I will wait for you, because that’s the only chance I have anyways, isn’t it? Aand, that’s all I wanted to say, yeah.”_

_Namjoon raised his hand to silent Yoongi and flinched his forehead, ignoring the death glare he got in return._

_“And one more… get well soon and come back...”_

_He sent Yoongi one last smile and left the kitchen like that._

_Yoongi sighed and starting walking towards his room as well, but upn entering living room, he noticed another person, that wasn’t quite in their bed yet. At the sofa was sitting Hoseok._

_The two of them locked eyes and Hoseok was first to break that with a smile._

_“Wanna watch movie?”_

_“What?” Yoongi didn’t expect that question._

_“I don’t know what it’s about” Hoseok continued, either misunderstanding Yoongi’s question or pretending to do so “but Namjoon said, it’s good. It’s only English with subs, though.” There was an appeal, but also some sort of need in Hoseok’s eyes._

_“…sure.” Yoongi honestly didn’t feel like watching anything, but still moved to sit beside Hoseok as the younger showed him a bright smile and reached for the remote control. He could do this for him._

_When the prologue came on, Hoseok got up, followed by Yoongi’s eyes, and reached to grab a blanket and bring it with him back to their seating. He sat closer to Yoongi than before, their shoulders touching. He unfolded the soft material and spread it over them, giving it some final pats and touching Yoongi’s knees in the course of it. Yoongi was watching him in the process, but didn’t say anything._

_The younger shrugged, as if he could feel the gaze. “It’s chilly.”_

_About half an hour into the movie, aside from Hoseok lamenting about the plot, the two still didn’t say anything to each other and Yoongi was slowly starting to doze off._

_“You know you can tell me.” Yoongi heard Hoseok speak quietly. He wasn’t sure he was meant to answer that, but he still did. Hoseok deserved at least that, even though it meant that Yoongi would spoil the currently peaceful mood._

_“I’m not sure I can.” He answered without turning eyes from the screen. In the peripheral vision, he spotted Hoseok’s gaze to turn to face him._

_“But you could tell Jin-hyung. He knows, doesn’t he? He always avoided us when we started to speak about you, and on Sunday, he was calm and not surprised. Hyung… do I feel that untrustworthy to you?” Hoseok’s voice was still low, but he couldn’t hide the shakiness of it. Yoongi turned to face him, too._

_“Hobi, you’re not the problem, it’s only me, okay? I wish I knew how to explain myself…”_

_“No, hyung. That’s the thing with relationships, of any kind – there’s always fault at both ends. I know we didn’t speak that much, but somehow, I hoped we got past the evasive part. I guess, it was only me then.”_

_At that, something snapped in Yoongi. He wasn’t good with emotions, but in the past weeks, he started to believe Hoseok would understand him without words. But hearing his words now, he was disappointed. He never considered himself evasive, he was only unsure, and he believed Hoseok had seen that. Now he wasn’t sure if he wasn’t only making things up the whole time._

_“Don’t pull this on me, Hoseok.” Yoongi answered, with voice lower than intended._

_“So it IS my fault?” Hoseok asked, hurt and defense clear in his voice. “I wish I knew how to gain your trust, but I’m out of options here. What more do you want me to do, to prove you that I care and you can trust me one hundred percent?” As he was finishing, he stood up, walking a step away from Yoongi and staring at him with hurt in eyes._

_Yoongi seemed to think and Hoseok waited, giving him time to answer._

_“Nothing, Hoseok, I just… You cannot help me.”_

_The dancer only nodded, turning his back to Yoongi. Yoongi could see him either folding arms on his chest or hugging himself to gain support, the second option seemingly more probable. He wasn’t sure, whether is the dancer waiting for him to say something else, something he wanted to hear, or was gathering thoughts to speak himself. Just when the silence was starting to get unbearable, there were faint words coming from Hoseok’s direction._

_“Yoongi… it hurts.”_

_Yoongi’s eyes opened wide but before he could react, the black haired man dashed past him, entering his room and leaving Yoongi alone._

_He clenched fists and hit the sofa soundlessly in silent display of frustration few times._

_He has accomplished nothing today._

_He couldn’t tell the truth and made everyone sad._

_‘You should smile, you should be always positive. We need that stupid sunshine personality of yours…  I need it. …What have I done? Why the hell am I so frustrating?’_

_\---_

 

Yoongi took a one last, long look around the place, then put on the only shoes, he didn’t pack and left the apartment, leaving tons of memories and regrets behind.


	6. Chapter 6

Yoongi looked at the hanging calendar by the house’s front door; it was a month since he has moved in and according to the red marking on the paper, the next time he was going out was in two days from today for a regular check-up. He looked out of the window and smiled at the drawing of a snowman on the old wall across the street. It reminded him of the day they first arrived here.

 

He didn’t know where exactly is he going to stay until the last second before they’ve arrived to their destination. He was told it’s a place about an hour far from the company’s building, showed the pictures of interior as the real estate agency presented them via mail, and he got assured that it is a perfect place to stay without being discovered.

So when the car pulled over and he realized where they were, he let out a laugh; indeed a perfect hiding place. It was one of the neighborhoods, where old people come to live when they’re left alone, Yoongi’s visited a similar place once for a shooting - small houses painted with various radiant colors, some of them had drawings from folk tales or just random happy pictures on the walls as scouts or volunteers left them there. There wasn’t even concrete pavement, only uneven dusty road, modeled to its shape by years and years of simply walking. The streets were too narrow for cars to enter the settlement.

It took a 15 minutes’ walk from the nearest car park to reach the house. It was as small and architectonically bizarre as every other house in the neighborhood, connected to other two buildings from both sides and painted white with big red dots. Yoongi remembered that at the time, he had wondered how would the settlement look from bird’s view; probably as some kind of maze, with its tiny single-storey, two-rooms-wide houses and numbers of intersections. He also remembered, how bad had he felt for Sejin hyung who spent more than an hour going back and forth and bringing in Yoongi’s belongings.

Yoongi looked around the room, satisfied smile on face. It was a cute place.

There wasn’t more than a small main room connected to kitchen nook, a bedroom with a desk and a bed, and even smaller bathroom. It was cozy though, Yoongi just needed not to think about what happened to the previous inhabitant. He lived in a place with average age over 60 years, after all.

 

His thoughts were interrupted by Mrs. Bang, who came forth from the bedroom. The lady visited him every day in the morning, brought necessities, prepared him food, tidied rooms and left before noon. Sometimes they would talk, but the other times, he would just sleep through her visit. The first week, Yoongi actually tried to clean the house by himself before her visits, so he wouldn’t make a bad impression, but after getting scolded for overworking himself every time, he abandoned his intent and let the woman take care of it. She claimed housework to be her hobby and Yoongi wasn’t going to take the joy from her. From other of her self-arranged duties was Yoongi most grateful for the rides to hospital she gave him.

She now stood in front of him, looking taller than her actual height, which was under 150 centimeters.

“Yoongi, tell me you didn’t go for a walk at night again yesterday.”

“…Hm, I went, Mrs. Bang?”

“It’s _Aunt_ for you! And Yoongi, could you finally start being a little more responsible already?” She gave him an admonishing look and Yoongi only smiled back.

“It was just for few minutes. And I feel totally healthy. Healthier than ever.”

‘About 45 minutes, alright.’

He was enjoying the attendance, to be honest. They argued about his night walks almost every day; Mrs. Bang nagged about walking being too dangerous for Yoongi and he defended himself by being “just fine” and needing to breathe an actual air to live. According to the doctors, he would be bed bounded from 6th or 7th month of pregnancy, since his body was to narrow and a wrong move could hurt the baby, break its bones even, so he wanted to enjoy free movement as long as he could. Only Mrs. Bang was of a different opinion. One day during a lesson about baby care she insisted on giving him, she told him she had to undergo abortion 6 times before because of her small statue and naturally deflected uterus, and he couldn’t oppose her in anything since then. But that also didn’t mean he could give up his “secret” walks.

“Aish, this kid. You should learn to listen to your elders.” She shook head in defeated gesture.

“Maybe one day.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure with you. I’ve made jigae while you slept, it’s in the oven, so make sure to eat. My sister is visiting tomorrow, so as I said, I’ll see you in two days and we’ll go for the check-up. Make sure to stand by the settlement’s entrance at 7. Don’t forget to put an alarm!”

“Yeah, will do.”

She sighed. “Actually, I’ll just call you to wake you up.”

Yoongi shrugged and smiled.

“So, I’ll be leaving now. No walks - rest, okay? But you won’t listen anyways…” She shook her head and grabbed her handbag, ready to leave. Yoongi wished her a safe trip and shut the door behind her.

 

\---

 

Yoongi learnt that there were actually many things and activities to do at home, other than sleep and work. In the past month, Jin has come to visit two times, bringing books and fan letters with him, and Yoongi still didn’t manage to read them all. He also decided to improve his English and Japanese skills, because during his idol time he was always making excuses and postponing the study, and later was embarrassed about being the worst speaker among them. But mostly he spent his time on the Internet. There were few sites, of American origin probably, which he’s never visited before but now found to be a great source of updates about group’s activities.

When he first searched Bangtan after the announcement of his break, he’s spent few nights shaking in bed. Fansites were full of speculations about his leave, none close to the truth, but also letters addressed to him but never meant to be sent. They were mostly supportive but few were mean, as well. He couldn’t help himself and spent hours reading them. Hopefully, it has gotten better lately, as members started to appear more on TV and radio to hype the fans for their comeback.

He was in contact with the members; they had a group conversation on kakaotalk and it was buzzing with messages all day. There wasn’t anything really informative or important, the boys were using it to ask each other what they want for food or praising each other after successful broadcast. Yoongi often didn’t understand what was the conversation about, until Taehyung or Namjoon took their time to write an explanation about what they did that day, addressed specially to Yoongi. He was grateful, but it was also a burden of some kind.

On one hand, Yoongi was glad to find out that they seem to be doing fine without him from the conversations, broadcasts and Internet updates, but on the other hand, an emptiness he’s never felt before appeared in his heart every time he saw their smiles from behind a computer.

The younger guys wrote him stories from shooting in private messages from time to time, but usually only complained about each other, getting snacks or clothes stolen or about things of similar importance.

 

Yoongi reached for his phone, which lied next to his notebook and opened the one conversation he kept coming back to but never added any new messages to. There were three replies – a week after moving, Yoongi has found courage to write to Hoseok, a simple _Hi_ to open the conversation. He didn’t receive a reply for another week and when it came, he almost smashed the device in his grip.

_Can we meet?_

He knew it’s not the right thing to answer but he denied the request a little too fast and that was the end of discussion, Hoseok never replied back again. Now it’s been two weeks since.

 

Yoongi started at the phone as if a new reply would appear any second.

When the phone suddenly buzzed, it gave Yoongi a small heart attack and he dropped the device.

“Ah, crap.”

He reached for it and opened the app. It was a message from Jin.

_Hey Yoongi, I deleted your address by mistake, could you sent it back?_

He wondered, if Jin haven’t memorized the road by heart after two visits but decided not to tease him about it and simply searched for the address in his phone and redirected it to Jin. Then he turned back to the PC and after a while of having staring contest with it opened a composing program.

 

\---

 

After finishing the delicious lunch and some extra snacks, Yoongi has sprawled on the two-person sofa and fallen asleep.

He was woken by knocks on the door in what he guessed was few hours, judging from how the sun was now down and shining right into the room.

“Yoonji! Are you in there?”

It was voice of granny Park, one of the ladies Yoongi has sometimes spoke to during his night walks. He guessed her age to be over 80 years, and she never forgot to remind him how similar he looks like her daughter. Also, she was the only one who called him ‘Yoonji’.

Few times before, she’s brought a cake or home cooking, which was close to inedible but Yoongi ate it anyways, so assuming it was the case, he grumbled “Coming” and after cracking few joints moved to open the door.

His smile was wiped from his face when he noticed the granny wasn’t alone.

“Yoongi, your dad looked so lost going around, so I showed him the way…” she proudly smiled at him but didn't see that, since he was only staring at his dad with a face of stone.

“Yoongi… may I come in?” The man was fidgeting behind the small woman.

Yoongi only wanted to tell him that _No, you cannot go into my fucking house,_ but controlled himself in front of the old lady and instead only stepped aside to make a way for his dad to enter.

“Well, my show is almost starting. You have such a nice son, young man, he’s very clever and a gentleman. I wish all young people were like that…” she sighed. “I need to go now, I wouldn’t want to miss the show, would I? So goodbye, and you boys have a nice time together.” She patted both of their arms with a smile and walked away, feet scuffing.

Yoongi’s father used the space Yoongi created at the entrance and stepped into the house, passing his son who watched him do so with hostile expression. He stood in middle of the room and turned to face Yoongi.

Even before Yoongi could close the door shut behind him, the man spoke. But Yoongi’s mood has already dropped below freezing point and he wasn’t going to listen to any of the words.

“Yoongi-“

“How the hell did you find me here?”

“I went to your company and asked around, your boss gave me your address.”

“He wouldn’t.”

“We talked, I told him that I came to Seoul to find you and… reconcile.”

Yoongi’s mouth fell agape. The man could have wanted money, to hit him and shout at him, but in his wildest dreams, he wouldn’t imagine his reason to be this – those words were something he couldn’t connect to the image of the man in his head anymore.

After gasping few times, he found his voice again. It’s gotten to threatening depths, but he couldn’t care less.

“Excuse me? You have to be kidding me, right?”

“No, Yoongi, listen to me for a while. I’m aware, our relationship wasn’t quite the best in the past years, but I’ve… I’ve came to tell I’d decided to change. I finally left your mother and came to Seoul; as your parent, I want to stay near to you and help you…”

Even the news about his parents not being on good terms were new to him, only convincing him the person in front of him wasn’t a part of his life anymore.

“Then let me inform your that trip was meaningless because I don’t want you here. I don’t you anywhere near me. You _decided to change_? What kind of bullshit is that. It’s late for that, it was late even since you raised your fucking hand against your son. So no, don’t feed me this crap, I’m doing fine without ‘parents’ and I plan for it to stay this way. So if may, leave _this freak’s_ house and-”

“I NEVER told you those words.”

Yoongi got startled by the sudden change in man's attitude.

“The _freak_ thing, I mean… I don’t know what the woman has told you but she didn’t speak for us both, okay?”

The man’s voice gotten quiet again and Yoongi could hear it brimming with unsaid emotions. It made him want to puke.

“Dammit, Yoongi… I know, I come too late, I know it too well. I regretted hitting you for so long but never could bring myself to apologize. I thought I was saving my marriage but there was nothing worth saving from the start. And it’s not only that, there’s so many things I’m sorry for to you and your brother. I know it would be hard to forgive me but if you could at least consider giving me a second chance to prove my words…” The man wiped few stray tears. “God, Yoongi, I would have come faster but the woman haven’t even told me about the pregnancy until last week. We fought and she yelled at me to leave her house and don’t come back… and you know what? I took my things and went, and I was happy. My head was clear for the first time in years, like I was freed from her compulsion. So I came here, started looking for you…”

There was an unsaid plea in the man’s words.

Yoongi wasn’t sure if he’s fighting tears or gag reflex anymore but he knew he heard enough, actually more than he wanted to. He was sick of the words, and the person. He wasn't ready to hear more.

“No.” he almost whispered. The man’s eyes went wide. “You don’t deserve a second chance. You had many of those, every time I came home depressed and you only watched from your television armchair, not asking me what happened to me or if anything’s wrong. So I learnt to find comfort elsewhere. I didn’t need you anymore and I don’t now. You got your chance to be a parent and threw it away. Now it’s my chance and I won’t screw up the way you did. Maybe I should thank you then?”

Yoongi let out a bitter laugh and the man flinched. The more he spoke, the more resolute he felt. He didn’t know where the words came from, the emotions bottled up for years were suddenly flowing out.

The man eyed his son, stopping his gaze on the belly Yoongi was touching unknowingly.

“…it’s fine if you don’t forgive me, but you at least try for the sake of the kid? You know nothing about raising a child and I have experience with babies, at least, I could-“

He never finished because at the mention of the baby, something suddenly snapped in Yoongi and his rage burst out.

“You are _so low!_ ” He shouted, not minding that anyone could hear. “How do you dare to use my baby as a guise for your intentions? How do you dare to still speak about parenting in front of me? You’re pathetic. I would feel sorry for you if I didn’t knew better. Leave this house now!”

“Yoongi…”

“Leave!”

The man shuffled feet in place before moving to the door, looking beaten as a dog. He stopped before the entrance and noisily freed himself from a sports bag which was hanging on his shoulder the whole time, placing it next to a small book desk by the entrance.

“It’s baby clothes after you and your brother...”

He spoke quietly, not daring to turn around and look Yoongi in the eye. _How weak_.

“It’s old but still serves its purpose. I’ll be staying in Seoul indefinitely, you have my number, so-“

“ _GET OUT.”_

Yoongi was glad the man couldn’t see how badly was he shaking.

Luckily the man nodded in both understanding and farewell, and mutely and with hunched back exited the front door, closing it behind himself without breaking the silence.

Only then Yoongi let himself sink on the hard floor, not minding the tears induced by his parents once again.

 

\---

 

Yoongi hoped to cry himself to sleep but as if his brain wanted to screw him today as well, he was now still awake and hyperaware. He lied on the sofa as it was the closest comfortable place to huddle himself onto after his breakdown, hugging himself in a fetus position. His stomach still didn’t decide whether to empty itself or keep bothering Yoongi. His moods kept changing every minute - first he was regretting being so harsh on his his father and not letting his words get through to his brain at all; a minute later, he was boiling with anger, sending the man to the lowest circles of hell for appearing in his life again.

But in the end, he felt bitter. He might have thought about hating his father before, but hearing the words from just some tens of minutes ago, he knew it wasn’t the case. He wasn’t going to admit to himself that some part of himself _wanted_ to reconsider their relationship. Although everything he said and lied to himself about, it was still his father and he still treasured the memories of laughing together once deep inside himself.

‘…If he at least went around it less forcefully. Suddenly appearing at my door after I’ve crossed them out of my life is just too much.’

He hardened his mind and forced himself off the comfortable seating. He needed air to clear his head; the four walls of the room were too tight and leaking with unwanted thoughts.

 

Until now, Yoongi didn’t notice it has gotten dark already and started to rain. That wasn’t going to stop him from his walk, though.

He moved to look outside from the window to check if he’ll need to look for a raincoat or not. The rain was heavy.

He sighed half-heartedly and turned to head to the bedroom, where he kept the less useful things in boxes. Before he could make a step, there were few knocks on the door.

Yoongi froze in place and his heartrate increased instantly.

‘No, no, no, he couldn’t come back…!’

I could have been granny Park as well, but somehow Yoongi knew it wasn’t. He wasn’t ready to deal with the man again. Why can’t he leave him alone?

So he decided to pretend he’s not home.

'Genius Min Suga, indeed.' 

He waited, not responding even after the second series of knocks. In fear, he watched the door handle move in the faint light from street and then the door starting to open.

‘Min Yoongi, you stupid fool, how could you forget to lock the door?!’

He wanted to slap himself, but instead he gasped as he saw a person in black coat entering silently.

It wasn’t his father for sure, the figure was much leaner and taller.

He knew there was no chance he won’t be noticed, standing by the only window, and he stretched one hand to the window rail and grabbed the first thing his palm touched.

 

Even a phone adapter could be a weapon if used correctly.

 

But to Yoongi’s surprise, the man didn’t leap to attack him and instead reached out to the switch and turned the lights on. And Yoongi could finally see his face.

“J-Jung Hoseok?” He managed to get out between two irregular breaths, heartbeat continuing to go in the speed of Japanese train.

“Hyung?” answered the un-invited, and now in the light actually soaking wet guest.

“What the f- What the- What are you doing here?”

Yoongi had to support himself by leaning his body weigh on one hand, touching an old cabinet next to the window. He didn’t care how unstable he looked at the moment.

He started to compose himself. He wasn’t going to admit how glad he was to see Hoseok at the moment.

“I… took a taxi here, got lost and then one auntie shouted at me from a window and helped me find the house. She even forced umbrella on me, but” the dancer looked at the thing in his hand thoughtlessly “it wasn’t of any use anyway.” Hoseok gave him a shy smile, not moving an inch from the entrance, waiting for Yoongi to make the first move.

Yoongi knew he should get flustered at the man’s presence in his room but he was too emotionally drained for the day. What was wrong with today? There they were, the people he wasn’t ready to deal with, all getting lost and finding their way to his house in matter of few hours.

Yoongi blinked few times, then used his free hand to stroke his forehead few times. His body decided to deal with the situation by giving him headache. Unconsciously, he reached for the hem on his sweatshirt and tugged at it at few places – just to make sure his bulge wasn’t showing. Luckily, the sweatshirt was oversized and his belly was still rather easy to hide.

Hoseok followed his hand’s movement with eyes, as it was the only movement any of them produced.

“That’s my sweatshirt.” He smiled one of his sunshine smiles and Yoongi furrowed brows.

“Is not.”

“Well …used to be, at least.”

Yoongi sighed and combed his hair with fingers. He hoped that he managed to sound at least a bit harsh.

“Hoseok, just be quick and frank. How did you get here? Why… are you here? Are why are you giving me a fucking smile after ignoring me for weeks?”

Hoseok’s smiling expression was replaced by serious one in a second.

“Okay, I guess, I should... The message you got today… it was me asking for your address. Jin hyung thought he left the phone at home, but well, he didn’t. It was pretty obvious he visited you, because one night this huge pile of letters suddenly disappeared from your bed and Seokjin with it. So well, I decided to take things in my own hands rather than waiting for one of you to let me _meet you_.” There wasn’t any accusation in his words.

“What were you doing in our room?”

“I… What, that’s what interests you? Well, it was quiet there and… uh, nevermind that. You asked me, what am I doing here. I think you figured that I came to talk. And it’s not gonna be that easy to get rid of me this time.” He shot Yoongi a smile, but it wasn't an honest one. There was something unsaid behind it.

“Hoseok-“

“Wait! Let me say this before I lose the courage, I was preparing for this actually… So, yeah… I should apologize first.”

“Hm.”

“No, wait! I’m not sorry for trying to get the truth from you. I’m also not sorry about being cold to you lately even though I can’t decide whether you deserved it or not. But what I realized is, that I was doing the same thing as you, keeping a secret that puts a distance between us. What I need to apologize for is that there’s something I’ve never told you, and to be honest, I thought I never would. But somehow this situation- I thought: If I were to reveal it, isn’t this the best time? And… it probably is. God, I will really regret this. I came to reconcile but instead I’m gonna destroy this _whatever_ we established… I’m sorry in advance, okay? And, oh, I don’t suppose you would tell me your problem in return, but… I’m sorry, I’m blabbering, but…”

He wasn’t smiling now, not even making an eye contact and Yoongi was amused by his expressions’ changes from the start of his monologue. First, it was resolute, but as he kept talking, the man was getting more and more fidgety, lowering his gaze from Yoongi’s face to his restless hands. It was as if he could almost see himself in the guy’s actions, he was amazed.

Before Yoongi could stop himself, his mouth moved and words came out.

“I will tell you.”

It took a while for Hoseok to register the words.

“but I thought, that I… might… what?” He furrowed brows at the disruption in his thoughts.

Yoongi smiled, pleased by both the younger’s confusion and his own statement. It felt right suddenly, a weight he was bearing for too long left his chest. He didn’t think about the consequences.

“I said, I will tell you.”

Hoseok’s finally lifted his eyes and the men locked gazes. Hoseok’s face changed from confused to surprised, but he didn’t say a word and waited for the older boy to continue.

 

“I am pregnant, Hobi.”

Hoseok didn’t move a facial muscle for a while. After seconds of silence, he started talking again, his voice gradually gaining on volume.

“What...? Because I was just going to bare my heart and you needed to choose just _this_ moment to joke. This isn’t easy, you kn-“ The dancer obviously didn’t believe him and his voice was starting to shake.

“No, Hoseok, I mean it. I really am pregnant.”

With no better ideas how to prove himself at the moment, Yoongi reached for the hem of sweatshirt, clenching it in hand together with an undershirt, and pulled it up to his chest. His belly wasn’t that big but it was clearly there and not mistakable for anything else.

He watched the younger’s eyes follow the movement and settle on his stomach.

Yoongi felt himself turning red in face, mostly because of the blood that rushed to his head, but also from the younger’s look on his bared body.

He was getting anxious when there was no answer and no change in Hoseok’s expression for few seconds, he only stared blankly. ‘Does he still not get it?’

“Hobi-“

“I’m in love with you.”

Yoongi stopped in his speech, missing a breath. Because… What?

“What?”

“What?”

Hoseok finally lifted his eyes to meet Yoongi’s. If any of them could think at the moment, they would probably think about how similar must their expressions look with mouths hanging open and shock in the eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

Hoseok was sixteen when he’s learnt he’d passed the audition and came up to Seoul to become a singer. He was lucky to have supportive parents, who accepted his dream and offered to help him reach it however they could, even pushing him to it with smiles after he confessed his insecurities.

It was a phase in his life when was Hoseok unsure about basically everything and afraid of making final decisions, as his latest turned out to be disaster. Because of this, he was both anticipating the change of environment but was also scared of how is his life going to turn out upon entering the competition called ‘traineeship’, as well as the adult world, where he would have learn to fully take care of himself. He was also struggling with denial of his sexuality, a recent heartbreak and random outbursts of depression, among all, and it wasn’t giving him the confidence he needed to make a new start.

\---

Hoseok has always relied on first impression a lot.

That’s why he forced himself smile when he first entered the shared dormitory, following a manager-in-training in, even though his body was telling him to turn and run. Hoseok was surprised about how small the place was – or maybe it wasn’t _that_ small, but it was full of things randomly scattered around, making it seemingly tiny. As the clean person he was, he screamed on the inside about the mess.

The inhabitants obviously weren’t informed about his arrival beforehand because there were only few of them, and even those present didn’t seem to care much about a new flat mate. They exchanged introductions and without being given further interest, Hoseok spent the day pretending to sleep in the shared bedroom, where he assumed that more than ten people co-lived at night. He was aching to call home and hear his parents’ voices but also didn’t want to worry them more than neccessary, so he decided to wait until later.

 

Only when few another people settled in their futons few hours later, Hoseok got up to move to another, hopefully empty room, to make the call. But as he stood up, he realized that he hasn’t eaten almost whole day and walked to the kitchen first. He poured himself some orange juice and grabbed a package of sweet bread, and satisfied with his find turned to settle by the table. But as he turned around, suddenly, he collided with something soft but solid, and could only watch in horror as the juice hopped out of the glass and splashed all over someone’s white T-shirt.

“For fuck’s sake, you gotta be kidding me...”

It was a guy about Hoseok’s height, wearing a beanie, now a dirty T-shirt, and what seemed the most important to Hoseok at the time - a glare, which has made him regret all of his life’s decisions.

“Oh shit… I’m so sorry.”

“Bet you are.” The boy grumbled. “So you’re the new kid?”

“Y-yeah, I just moved in. I’m Jung Hoseok, sixteen… I dance and sing. Mostly dance.” Hoseok bowed a little, not really letting his gaze wander from the other boy warily.

“Min Yoongi, rapper, and I’m your hyung… that’s what should matter. Other you need to know about me is that I don’t like to be disturbed while working or sleeping. Or basically, never. Now. I’m gonna leave this shirt in the tub and I hope it’s clean and fresh when I find it in the morning.”

Before even finishing the words, he had already turned to show Hoseok his back and started walking away without waiting for answer.

Hoseok was staring after the boy, perplexed about his clearly unfriendly behavior.

‘Because of the juice? This guy must be real fun at parties…’

What he was sure about, though, was that he should stay as far as possible from this single individual, if he wanted to make it through this whole thing without making enemies.

 

\---

 

Hoseok expected the atmosphere among the male trainees to be a bit competitive, little unfriendly even, but the reality of nonexistence of any bonds between the boys surprised him. Sure, there were few who liked to stick together, but from what he observed during his first weeks, no one was actually trying to establish some kind of team bond; the boys were rather keeping to themselves. He also picked out few with stronger, more dominant personalities who seemed to have a lot of greed and often took upon themselves the role of speakers for the whole group when the situation called for it.

He could see that a person to stand between the two groups of people was needed if they were ever to become a team, and to be honest, Hoseok didn’t feel purposeful enough to take up the role. Neither strong enough just yet.

To Hoseok’s surprise, Min Yoongi wasn’t one of the louder boys and nor he seemed affected by them. But on the other hand, Hoseok couldn’t be quite sure, since he was avoiding the older boy as he decided and thus didn’t have any leads to deduce from, aside from his apathetic face during meetings - Hoseok was attending to vocal lessons, while Yoongi was doing composition, and their dance classes were also at different times because of their different levels in skills. He sometimes saw the older boy return from a studio at morning and lie down in the furthest corner of their room. Sometimes, some younger trainees would mention him briefly but that was it.

 

The trainees were only allowed to know three places – school, training room and their dorm. Having not much to choose from, Hoseok soon started to spend most of his time in the company’s building. It was the only place where he could be alone, because their usual practices ended before midnight and everyone always rushed to their beds, tired of constant daily brain and physical activity. After begging their dance teacher for few days, Hoseok was allowed to stay after everyone’s left and granted a spare key.

There were two ways of how he spent the alone time in practice room. First, training. He went through both old and new learnt moves until he dropped to the floor, sweaty and without breath; it felt good. But sometimes, his efforts failed and then Hoseok found himself hugging his knees on the floor of the dimly lit room, crying silent tears because of unsaid fears and homesickness.

He knew he was a good actor, but letting everything out like this was what made it possible to maintain his strong front in front of other people.

To get himself back together, he learnt to retreat to his phone’s photo gallery, filled with happier moments to remember. He always lingered a bit longer at pictures of one particular person. His best friend since childhood, and the only one he hadn’t contacted for months, ever since he came to Seoul. Sometimes, he opened a messaging application and wrote a short greeting, but he's never sent it. He knew that he was the one who needed to make the first step if he wanted a reconciliation, but the memories of their last encounter still hurt.

 

He knew that he needed to change his current way of thinking; he came to a new place, started a new life and there was no point in drowning himself in the past. He got a new chance and he only needed to finally grab it.

Unexpectedly, in the end, it wasn’t him who made the first step to guide him from his solitude, but the one person he wouldn’t imagine them to.

\---

He was sitting on the floor and staring on his phone’s screen, time probably long after midnight, when suddenly a voice sounded near him. Hoseok almost jumped in a place, startled.

“Hey. Crying alone again?”

He looked up to find smirking Min Yoongi standing over him. Hoseok answered by nothing more than an alarmed look. He was caught.

The boy only sighed and sat cross-legged next to Hoseok, to which the younger responded by shifting some centimeters further from the rapper.

“I could pretend, I haven’t seen or heard you few times through the opened door, but there’s no point in that. I actually pass by the door like every night when I go to shower, you know, the only running showers in the building are down here. I didn’t mean to listen, though, you should have been more careful - to say in my defense.”

Thinking back, Hoseok might have left the doors to the practice room slightly open once or twice. Not that he expected anybody to wander around the basement at nighttime, though.

“Oh, I guess yeah.” He answered, still unsure about how to react.

Yoongi eyed him and smirked again. Then he nodded in the direction of the phone that Hoseok was still holding in a hand comfortably rested on his crouched knees.

“You left a girlfriend at home?”

Hoseok gasped and looked the device, quickly locking it and hoping that the rapper didn’t catch him staring at another boy’s smiling face.

“N-no, just… No girlfriend.”

“There’s really no need to hide it, it’s not like you would the only one here dating. They are not even trying to be subtle about it, I swear.” He sighed again. “And by the way, that stupid look of adoration on your face kinda gives it away.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.” ‘…And probably won’t ever have.’

“Okay, whatever suits you?” Yoongi dropped his smile, or _smirk_ , and looked straight in front of him. They didn’t meet eyes for a while after that, and just when the awkwardness between them was becoming unbearable, Hoseok decided, it was time to leave. He wondered why did the guy approach him in the first place, if he’s neither going to pick on him or talk at all.

“Yoongi-sshi, I think I’m gonna-“

“Wait.”

Hoseok was started by the older’s hand, which reached to grab his shoulder and stopped him from getting up. He sat back down, dumbfounded, and waited for the boy to continue speaking.

He saw the older shift in his seat before he broke the silence again.

“Hey, I don’t want to make this awkward for neither of us.”

 Hoseok could see the older was uncomfortable with the situation and making high efforts to say whatever he was about to.

“I just… I don’t know, if it’s us or you yourself, who makes you stay alone, but it’s evidently not doing any good to you, so I thought you might be needing a little push? I know the atmosphere between the boys isn’t quite perfect but we’re working on that, slowly. So here’s what I thought - I’m taking some of the younger boys out to grab a meal tomorrow after practice, so if you wanted to join, you’re welcome. Or some other time. Okay?”

Yoongi shot him a look which was basically saying _It took a lot of effort to say, so you don’t get to straightforward refuse_.

It was kind of cute, which surprised Hoseok. He quickly remembered to mind his facial gestures and gave the boy a little smile, only to reassure him, he appreciated the words.

“Yeah… I know, I didn’t act as the friendliest one, and maybe you’re right about the push. I think it would be fun to go out with you guys.” This time, he gave Yoongi bigger, honest smile and laughed on the inside when the older turned his look away, probably embarrassed.

“Although, I thought we weren’t allowed outside?” Hoseok raised an eyebrow, hoping to drive away the older’s embarrassment.

Yoongi turned to look straight back at him, a mischievous smile playing on lip.

“We’re not, but I’ve got Namjoon to cover for us, it’s a well-functioning system by now… I do it for him like every week.” The boy snorted and Hoseok laughed at his words.

With his mission fulfilled, the rapper shifted to get up but changed his mind the last second and sat back down again.

Hoseok gave him a questioning look.

“I just…” The older raised his hand as to organize his thoughts “I suck at talking feelings and stuff, but if you feel bad, you shouldn’t assume it’s best to get it over yourself. It’s always better to share the problems with other - of the boys, or I can listen too, though I’m not sure I can give an advice. Just… don’t pity yourself too much and don’t think you’re the only one having hard times, because you’re not. Most of us go through this as well, trust me.”

Hoseok noticed a silent plea in the boy’s eyes, he wanted to make sure Hoseok understood.

Hoseok nodded, feeling as unsure how to react as the other boy looked.

“That… I’m not sure I can do just yet. But thank you, it really means a lot to know I could… rely on somebody, I guess?” he meant it.

The older boy just nodded, wearing a face of disinterest again, probably trying to cover the small blush Hoseok has noticed. Hoseok watched him get up, dust his trousers and start to walk away.

“Tomorrow at dinner then, Hoseok!” Yoongi said it loudly without pausing in his exit.

“Oh, I-I guess? Goodnight, Yoongi-sshi!”

“Told you to call me hyung!” was last he heard before the older boy closed the door behind himself. The mischievous tone was back and it was enough to make Hoseok smile to himself.

He remained sitting longer, thinking about how he probably misunderstood the guy. Maybe he was right – assuming things and staying alone wasn’t going well for Hoseok and it might be time to change his approach.

 

\---

 

It took Hoseok another month or two before he actually started enjoying being an idol trainee. He had to acknowledge it wasn’t his doing but rather the boys’ around him. After they found out he wasn’t anyone scary and they could speak with him, other trainees took a liking to him and he’s became something close to the group’s nucleus, helping them with dancing and overall a fun member to speak with.

His depression was cured, at least for now. There was sometimes a ting in his stomach, when he remembered his home city, but it wasn’t anything that couldn’t be cured by either direct human interaction with housemates or messaging.

He didn’t try to deny the past months, on the contrary, he decided to make them into an example for himself and remember which measures to take if he ever felt like giving up again. Aside from few necessary secrets, keeping to himself wasn’t the way to go.

 

About six months into training, after discussing with others and experimenting a bit, he has decided to change his training position to rapper.

At first, he feared the reaction of his company but there were few reasons which supported his decision and spoke for the change. He has never felt confident with his vocal skills and he was always getting scolded during monthly evaluations was one. And lately he took interest in rap. He liked how he can play with his voice, experiment with notes and sounds. His voice sounded more special used this way too, he believed. Before going to the representatives, he discussed his new decision with both Yoongi and Namjoon, the two rappers he was close to, and they gave him full support.

Luckily, there were no objections from company and he’s started his new training right away. Because he knew nothing about composition he asked Namjoon to help him, but even though the taller boy promised to do so, in the end, he was too busy with his own work and always only apologized.

So Hoseok ended up asking Yoongi.

Even after few months spent together, Yoongi never failed to surprise Hoseok, this time with how fast the older agreed. He looked nonchalant, when he said it, but as Hoseok lit up at his words, the older man momentarily melted and granted him one of his seldom smiles, as well.

Hoseok knew, there was still a long way before he understood the thinking of Min Yoongi perfectly.

\---

It was during their first lesson at their usual after-midnight time, when Hoseok has first heard the music Min Yoongi makes. The rappers spoke about their work quite often among themselves, even helping each other by coming up with new ideas, but as Hoseok couldn’t contribute with anything, he was never included in their sessions. He’s heard their composition through phones, sure, but it was nothing like the music played on the high-tech in the studio.

Hoseok honestly prepared himself for the worst because the older boy was always complaining about his works, but now as he heard the actual thing, his mouth dropped.

It was perfect.

It was full of emotions, changing ever slightly for the impact. The beat was modern but original. Hoseok would totally choose the song for one of his performances.

When the song finished, he shut his mouth closed and turned to look at Yoongi, who took a defensive stance somewhere during the song, probably unsure how to interpret the silence Hoseok was answering him with.

But Hoseok only gave him a big smile and reached to pat the boy’s back in excitement.

“Hyung, that was totally flawless!”

“No, it was not. The beat change in the middle is too forceful and--“

“No, please don’t change it, it’s perfect as it is. You’re really talented and I’m going to tell you that every day from now if I have to!” Hoseok drew away his hand which he realized was still on the older’s back. He was surprised the boy didn’t shake it off.

Yoongi looked away, staring at the computer screen and clicking mouse, not looking really focused, though. Hoseok expected the boy to try and argue with him but was taken unprepared by the blush that appeared on the older’s cheeks. For the first time, he’s noticed the boy’s facial features were rather cute – soft cheeks, smooth pale skin and small pink lips. He must have never focused on his appearance before, he realized.

Suddenly, he wished the blush would stay longer. So he tried his luck.

“I really hope, I can learn to write at least close to how you do. But my voice also isn’t anywhere as trained.” He complimented fluently.

His smile grew bigger when the boys’ cheeks stayed colored.

“It’s all about training, your voice is good enough already and it will only get better after some work. And you won’t know if you have a sense for composing until you’ve tried it, but even then, you can sure learn by hard work...”

It was fun watching how nervous was the boy getting over compliments.

“You’re like my idol, hyung! I mean …Mr. Teacher!”

Yoongi turned to look at Hoseok’s smiling face, frowning, but there was a small smile on his lips.

“Stop making this weird, gosh. One day maybe, but I don’t deserve these words yet. Let’s go back to why we’re here…”

And Yoongi turned back to the computer screen, fidgeting slightly under Hoseok’s lingering gaze, and obviously flushed.

 

The lesson gave him much more than just basic knowledge about a composing program, Hoseok thought much later that day.

He’s learnt that:

Min Yoongi isn’t very self-confident and cannot take compliments.

Min Yoongi _does_ have feelings; he only leaves them with his music.

Min Yoongi is incredibly cute when blushing.

 

\---

 

Few lessons with Yoongi later, the older boy asked Hoseok to help him with dancing which he felt unsure with. Hoseok agreed straight away – lately, the two of them started spending a lot more time together; they discovered they had similar interests, taste in food and both were insomniacs. Their personalities were on the other hand polar opposites but somehow they understood each other without problems. Hoseok felt simply blessed that he has found a friend like Yoongi.

 

Yoongi was struggling with a dance move, no matter what he did, his legs got tangled and he fell. Hoseok was standing behind and laughing his ass off.

“That’s great that you’re having fun, you bastard, but how about you actually helped me here?” Yoongi was getting grumpy and Hoseok knew, he shouldn’t push his luck any longer. He stood next to the older rapper and showed his the movement again, slower this time. Yoongi tried to follow, only to wobble before shooting Hoseok a killing glare.

“That’s not working.”

“Haha, let me show you like this…” Hoseok has moved to stand behind Yoongi and raised his hands to place them on the older’s waist to guide his body through the move. Too late, he has come to realize, what he was about to do and tried to stop himself from finishing the motion, but his hands seemed to have their own mind and comfortably settled on Yoongi’s waist, as if it was the most natural thing at the moment. The moment they touched, Hoseok felt a rush of warm run through his body and he with difficulty managed not to squirm at the pleasant feeling.

His hands fit so perfectly on the other’s hips and he might have squeezed it a little to enjoy it more.

When he looked up to the mirror on front of them, he saw Yoongi shooting him a suspicious look. Hoseok managed to push back a blush and he internally slapped himself for staying unfocused for too long.

“What are you doing…?”

“You’ve lost a lot of weight.” Hoseok commented, managing to look and sound concerned. He didn’t let go of the other’s waist.

“Thanks to you, I guess. So… the move?”

The move.

That was the last thing on his mind right now.

 

That night, he returned home alone, leaving Yoongi in studio alone under the excuse of being tired. As he laid down, the dipped fire in him finally exploded - his hands and whole body were tingling as they remembered the feeling of touching the smaller boy’s body. He was probably sweating, too, _why was it so hot?_

‘Think your granny and fish intestines…’ he chanted in his head, but gave up when a smiling face of his older colleague was the only thing in his head.

_Slender waist and limbs._

_Lately overgrown bangs, that fall into the kindly shaped eyes and the motion the boy always does to swipe them away._

_Pink plush lips, often parted out of habbit…_

He turned to lay on his stomach and buried face in his pillow. He shouted soundlessly until he was sure his face was red from the lack of oxygen.

 

It was happening again. He could try to deny it but there was no point since he’s already realized it that night. He was falling in love with a boy.

 

\---

 

_The realization, that he was a homosexual, hasn’t hit Hoseok at once, but the impact of it still wasn’t smaller._

_There was a guy, his best friend, whom he knew ever since their first day in kindergarten when they fought over a plush elephant. They became friends ever since, their bond only grew stronger over years._

_It was the last year of middle school when Hoseok realized, he wasn’t envious of his friend’s smaller build, cute round face and bubbly personality, but that it was an admiration of different, unacceptable kind; and it was in their first year in high school, when he's learnt the word that summed these feelings._

_He wasn’t sure what it all meant, but it was his best friend – they shared all their secrets and troubles, so it had to be fine, if he confided with this one as well. They could always talk it out and find a solution._

_Never did he expect that the night when he told his friend about his experiments on father’s computer, his disinterest in female body and his feelings, would be the night when he would be left alone in his room, blankly staring at the door which the boy closed after himself in his rush to leave._

_The few months before he left for Seoul were spent ignored by his “best friend”, the boy always running away when Hoseok got too close and sending him a pleading looks to leave him alone._

_Only then Hoseok realized being gay is something society is not ready to accept and he won’t have an easy life if he decides to embrace it. For what he knew, being gay has destroyed his life-long friendship and shaken his mentality for a long time in future._

_He left for the new life without telling his friend, and with a false hope to find a girl he could love in the new city._

 

\---

 

It took Hoseok another year to learn how to deal with his crush on Min Yoongi.

They were all busy with preparing for a debut and that didn’t change even after their first performance. They all had less, close to none time for themselves and it was perfect for Hoseok to put a little distance between the two of them. He had to divide his time among other members and he loved to do it, he accepted the boys as his own family. His lessons with Yoongi were no longer frequent, nor individual.

The was no time for things like relationship or even the thoughts of it, even the one or two with girlfriends decided to break up before their debut. There was an unsaid promise it would change after things become a little less new, but no one exactly relied on that.

 

Hoseok accepted his feelings are going to stay one-sided. He liked to think that he was one of the luckiest guys with a crush – he lived together with the object of his affection, he could talk to them every day, watch them smile, bounce with happiness, and also shield them from harm and negative influences from the outside…

But sometimes, only sometimes, the thoughts of Yoongi finding a girl he would love, or the future when they all go their own ways, kept Hoseok from sound sleep at night. He wasn’t scared of the boys finding out he’s gay, but he also saw no point in telling them. He never expected himself to be involved in a real relationship anyway. He was once celebrity and even after they quit being idols, they would never quite disappear from the eye of the public.

But the realization, that he would be left alone one day, was no less suffocating.

 

Still, he's decided to continue the same way for years to come…

If only there wasn’t _the situation_ with Yoongi.

 

Hoseok believed, he was the first one to notice something was off.

He’s seen Yoongi deal with many problems before, but this time was different, he knew. Yoongi seemed somehow _broken_ ; his normally reasonable answers were now chaotic, the bags under his eyes more prominent, and Hoseok was desperate. If he was facing a depression, Hoseok knew that he wouldn’t stand to watch the older man hurt himself the same way he did once to his self, even if that meant revealing his neverending care for Yoongi.

If Yoongi hurt a little, Hoseok’s heart was being torn in pieces.

 

When Hoseok heard Yoongi falling into a panic attack from the empty living room that one night, his mind went blank, and without knowing what was he actually doing, he’s found himself by the rapper’s bed. No matter how intimate the gesture could have seem to onlookers, he cuddled against the other boy, one hand stroking his back, second patting his hair – he needed to do it. He felt himself become _whole_ for the first time in years. The years of watching from sides bear no importance at the moment. If this situation happened under other circumstances, Hoseok would later scold himself for leaving his walls and walking straight into the danger zone, but with Yoongi looking so weak next to him, nothing about himself mattered.

Adding to Hoseok’s panic, the same situation happened again few days later, and then again. Hoseok was always quick to catch on when the older was about to break down, and he was always there, cooing him to sleep, attempting to reach out and calm Yoongi’s heart.

It wasn’t that he couldn’t understand, the smaller boy could have a problem that was difficult to share. He only needed more time, and Hoseok convinced himself that his condition is slowly getting better with each passing day.

 

But then was Yoongi suddenly gone, leaving a cold place in both his room and Hoseok’s heart.

How stupid he was. Too late, he’s realized that the elder has never shown any real signs of recovery. Probably, even the growing bond he’s made himself think there was, was only his feelings playing with his weakened mind.

And suddenly, he couldn’t smile no more. He needed to stay “hopeful” and hyper in public, but there was nothing honest in that, and he would only huddle into himself after the schedules and lie with mind blank.

 

\---

 

One night, a month after Yoongi has left, Hoseok suddenly felt the bed’s mattress sink a bit.

He opened eyes to spot Jin, sitting on the edge of the matress and showing Hoseok a sad smile. He had to be quite a sight with puffed eyes and hunched around huge sleeping pillow, but he couldn’t care.

“Why are you hurting yourself like that, Hobi?” the older continued to smile sadly, unsaid words in his eyes.

“I’m just… trying to sleep? I don’t understand?” Hoseok tried to sound that he didn’t understand the connotations, but the shakiness in his voice has betrayed him.

“In his bed? Sniffling his pillow and crying your eyes out?”

“Oh…” Jin knew. Well, Hoseok wasn’t that subtle about anyway. And Jin was now going to hate him.

“Yeah, it wasn’t that hard to figure out you what feel for Yoongi after you started sobbing in our room every night. And that was only if I didn’t get the clue from the nights of hugging before. I mean, I still live here?” Jin spoke quietly and gently, like he was trying to calm a hurt animal.

Then he sighed.

“Like, look, I’m not judging you. But I don’t wanna watch a person I care about falling deep into depression again in matter of months, okay?”

Hoseok wasn’t sure how to answer, his mind still shouting at him: _Run, he knows, it’s over!_

“I need you to answer honestly – to say it with your words. What is Yoongi to you?”

A shiver run through his body. He knew the answer, but saying it out loud was different. But after examining the other’s eyes, only honestly in them, he knew he wasn’t the only one who knew and he felt a sudden wave of need to word it.

“ _Everything.”_

Jin shook his head a little, he expected it. Then he continued.

“Can you swear that you would _never ever_ hurt him in any way?” There was a soundless warning.

“I couldn’t live with myself if I did…”

Then, after long seconds, Jin has let out a long breath and finally smiled again.

“Good. So, because both of you are brick heads and I can’t watch the both of you suffer alone any longer, I’ve decided to give you a tip… You probably figured out that Yoongi told me where he lives. And he would probably tell me again if I lost the address or something. It’s just that… lately I’m really forgetful. Forgetting words and also belongings… like my phone. I wouldn’t be surprised at all, if I left it on the night stand tomorrow again.” Jin winked at Hoseok, his intent very forceful and obvious.

Hoseok smiled when he finally caught up on what was the elder suggesting.

“Is that like… hypothetically speaking?”

“Very.” Jin smiled back and reached to ruffle dongsaeng’s hair.

“But let me make this clear – you hurt him, I hurt you in a place that won’t heal and with kitchen scissors. Are we clear?”

Hoseok gulped. “Yes.”

“Good.” Answer Jin before getting up and making his way to the door. Hoseok heard him stop in his walk and before he could reposition himself on the bed and look over, he heard Jin’s voice.

“Oh, and the lock screen code is the letter _J_.”

 

\---

 

“What?”

“What?”

Hoseok was the first to snap out of his haziness. Unfortunately, his brain wasn’t still working on full engine, so before his next words left his mouth, they didn’t sound wrong to him at all.

“But… you were a man?” He asked indecisively.

It was Yoongi’s turn to close mouth and try to produce a sentence.

“Hoseok… I am a man, okay. But I can also get pregnant. Complain to nature.” Yoongi probably didn’t mean to sound mean, and his face immediately changed into faked vagueness as hurt appeared on the younger’s face.

“So… so… you and Jin are…?”

“Oh, fuck no, there’s nothing between me and Jin. But it’s true that I’m into men. Obviously …I mean, I didn’t mean to say that. Screw me, really today. What I mean... damn Hoseok, I’m sorry.”

“…About what?” Hoseok still didn’t quite grasp the situation. The words _into men_ and _pregnant_ were swirling on his mind and destroying any other possible thoughts.

“About staying quiet. And about dragging you into this. And fuck, I… I should really learn to control what I say. I’m blabbering, when you just confessed to me a minute ago. I shouldn’t matter now, because, I mean… it was confession, right? Because if it wasn’t--” The growing panic in the pregnant man’s words was enough for Hoseok to try to calm down and organize his mind again.

“Yeah, it was confession and it meant exactly what you think.” He stated, and smiled a smile that probably came out as shy, because another kind of panic was starting to creep onto him. _Refusal_.

“Oh…”

“But hyung, we shouldn’t be speaking about that now. I mean, I don’t want to pretend I’ve never said it, but just – there are more important things right now. Like the baby… how… how did it…”

“Hoseok, just stop and …How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long have you… you know, _me_?” Yoongi made a shy gesture with his hands, directing to the free space between the two.

“Uh oh, for how long have I known that I’ve _loved you_?” Hoseok smiled at the older’s cute reaction when he pronounced the words. It was scaring him how calm he was about mouthing the word. “Probably for longer than you’d guess.”

He watched the other bury his face in his hands and letting out a groan. “Fuck Hoseok, I’m so sorry… some things I’ve said before – “

“- you didn’t mean them. I know. You don’t need to explain anything.” Hoseok tried not to blush at his own sudden confidence and before the blonde could speak, he closed the distance between the two of them. He lightly touched the center of Yoongi’s back and the rapper flinched, looking at Hoseok with wide eyes but not moving away from the touch.

“How about you sit down, hyung?” said Hoseok gently. To his surprise, Yoongi only nodded and took few steps to flop on the sofa. Hoseok sat next to him, but careful to leave enough polite space between them.

He saw Yoongi’s eyes on him and smiled when their looks met.

 

“I wasn’t sure what to expect when I came here today. I mean, I wasn’t even sure what would I say until I passed through the door. But I don’t regret either of these, telling you the truth and coming here...

And I know it might be difficult for you, but if you let me, I want to stay by your side this time – as a friend, I mean. No secrets. I want to share your pains, even though I won’t be physically there for you most of the time. I mean, only if your partner agrees…” The last part of his monologue hurt Hoseok to say, but there wasn't any other way around it.

He looked up and his eyes met Yoongi’s embarrassed.

“There isn’t any partner. We hooked up at party, is all.”

 

Hoseok could almost hear a stone drop from his heart. He was angry at the man who would get his hyung into this situation, of course, but the pure happiness that came with the realization he won’t be watching his crush in other man’s arms, was blinding. But he also knew he shouldn’t deduce anything yet if he doesn’t want to hurt himself.

 

“Hobi.”

Hoseok got started at the familiar version of his name the older used, and his calm tone.

“I would be grateful, if you helped. I’m happy that you don’t give up on me, even though I cannot return the affection the way you’d liked… But I don’t want you to think it’s something you have to do, alright? I can deal with my things just alright.”

Hoseok feel a big smile crawl on his face and before he realized it, he was reaching for the older’s head, patting it gently as with a small kid. He felt a need to laugh suddenly.

It took a while for Yoongi to understand the atmosphere and he finally relaxed his shoulders and smiled back.

“Hyung, I would never give you up.” Hoseok felt a wave of warmth run through his body as the older’s cheeks reddened a bit. “But if you feel real bad about not telling, and me taking care of you - how about naming the baby _Hoseok_?” The dancer lifted one eyebrow.

Yoongi lifted his head and gave the younger a look somewhere between disbelief and killing intent, failing to be intimidating with flushed face. ‘Oh, this is the Yoongi I know.’

“Over your dead body.” The older boy answered.

“I think it should be _your_ body.”

“I know what I said.”

 

The friends looked at each other for few moments and then burst laughing, letting themselves believe that everything will turn out just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay.  
> /tries to calm down/  
> /screams/  
> This took so long; so much rewriting and it's the chapter I'm the most unsure about. Well, I felt, I needed a Hoseok POV, and now I can return to Yoongi's pregnant life.  
> And guess what? If things go as expected, we've just passed the half-point of the story! Kyaa!
> 
> Why am I writing a note?  
> The story somehow got over 100 KUDOS! It's unbelievable! Thank you! Love you! TAKE ALL MY KUDOS! <3


	8. Chapter 8

Yoongi’s single life wasn’t bad, he was an introverted person after all, but even he himself could agree that his biggest emotional concern was loneliness.

Of course, there was Mrs. Bang, whom he finally accepted as his substitute guardian and submitted to calling her in familiar manner as “aunt”. The lady was his life-savior – without her, he would probably starve to death, get infected by filth or slept till he never woke up again. He’s accepted her care and returned it in smiles and light teasing, which seemed to be enough to keep her happy.

There was also granny Park, but she wasn’t a source of satisfactory human interaction, since the old woman wasn’t able to hold thought or information for very long. But somehow, Yoongi was glad even for her presence, which became more often even since she’s noticed, he was pregnant. Yes, she’s noticed Yoongi was pregnant, but never stopped and wondered about the curiosity of that. She’s only started to make more indigestible food and came over a lot to check on Yoongi, and to give parental advices which could have been useful if this was the 1950’s. Yoongi wondered, if she’s definitively started taking him for his daughter instead of only commenting about their similarity.

And there were the phone calls with Hoseok.

Some were only a minute long, sometimes they spent an hour talking about nothing, and it took Yoongi just a little to start smiling about the overacted nagging or joy heard from the speaker. Hoseok called every night without fail and Yoongi always waited for the phone, doing little unimportant things to kill time before it rang. There was nothing weird about that. It was only natural that he missed and anticipated the interaction with somebody from the same age group.  

 

Hoseok had visited Yoongi about five times during the month and week since he first entered his house. Yoongi was sure, he wasn’t allowed to do so and as the older one, he felt need to remind the rapper about it, but Hoseok always waved it off with a laugh, saying there’s nothing to worry about.

The first visit after their reconciliation was mostly awkward. Hoseok was sending Yoongi shy smiles and nervously glancing at Yoongi every time, he asked about his life, health or similar. He was careful not to touch Yoongi and keep his distance, until Yoongi got frustrated about the dancing around, and made the first move by sitting next to each other and nagging while placing his hand or the other’s knees. It was awkward gesture, but it was all it took to bring out Hoseok’s normal eye-blindingly happy persona and shake off the shyness.

Ever since, they sat next to each other comfortably, legs sprawled everywhere, their sides or thighs touching without noticing.

Hoseok didn’t ask questions that Yoongi didn’t want to answer; their conversations were light, fun and comfortable.

 

\---

 

Yoongi was half-sitting, half-lying on his bed and making a record for his _Pregnancy Diary_ , which he had involuntarily received from the doctor. He understood the point in doing that, but it was a bother – he kept repeating the same things every day. Brief and apt.

_No bodily straining today, no nausea either. Back hurts a little, my legs are swollen. Mood’s fine, too. Aside from a kick around noon, I feel no special strain or pain in stomach._

He stopped to put away the pen and rolled up his pajamas to look at his belly. It was swollen and ugly, and _huge_ , but at least there were no stretch signs on the smooth surface - thanks to the help from Mrs. Bang, who brought random ointments to prevent it.

The latest change were the kicks. It first happened about a week ago, after he’s finished a call with Hoseok and was getting ready to sleep. It didn’t hurt, and although everyone’s been preparing him for it to happen, he still panicked a little and called Mrs. Bang in the middle of the night. She squealed at him from the phone and calmed him down.

‘Maybe you’re gonna be a fighter. That’s a good trait in his world…’

He was lost in thought when his phone rang. He reached for it as fast as his bigger body allowed him to.

“ _Hyung?”_

“Hoseok.” He smiled to himself, and he could hear joy in the other's words as well.

_“Weren’t you sleeping?”_

“No, I’m finishing some work… How was today?”

Bangtan was in the middle of planning an Asia Tour and everybody was tired about the constant changes in plans, rehearsals and multiplied promotions. Even in the middle of that, Hoseok has always found time to call and sound hopefully, despite the clear tiredness in his voice. They spent 20 minutes disscussing the group's plans today, as well.

Yoongi loved to hear from the man, but lately there was one topic, Hoseok was pushing onto Yoongi, about which was the older very unwilling to talk.

_“So, hyung, have you thought about it?”_

“’bout what?”

_“Well, you know. Telling the members?”_

“Oh, that.”

“ _Hyung…”_ the younger whined. “ _Why do you keep postponing it? You see, no one has taken it badly so far, right? I’m sure, like reeally sure, everyone will understand.”_ ‘No one’s taken it badly… accept from my mother, who called me freak. Right.’ But he was not telling Hoseok that.

“I’m just… I don’t know, Hoseok. It’s like… imagine going into a haunted house which is 40 meters in the air and has a glass floor? That’s how it feels.”

Hoseok’s let out another whine on the other side of the phone and then switched to somehow hopeful tone. Yoongi found it suspicious but said nothing. “ _So it’s like a phobia. And you just need somebody to help you with that, right? That’s what would help me.”_

“Hoseok, just what do you—“

_“I'm not wrong, am I? Just say yes!”_

“….Ok?”

“... _That will do.”_ Hoseok snickered and Yoongi was starting to feel really nervous about the direction of the conversation.

“Hoseok! Tell me right now—“

“ _Oh? Yes, I’m coming! Sorry hyung, I need to go help… with something. Hear from you tomorrow, sleep tight!”_

And the line went dead. Yoongi looked at the device in deadly fear.

‘That couldn't be good…’

 

\---

 

But there was no call from Hoseok the next day. And the next.

Yoongi was getting nervous, but at least the group conversation showed him everyone was alive and fine. Did Hoseok come up with some genius plan to test their relationship again? Was he waiting for Yoongi to call? Well, he wasn't going to let him have that pleasure.

Yoongi was quite busy at the moment, anyway. He kept in touch with the company’s representatives and associates, and he was nearing a deadline he received if he wanted a song of his to be on the next mini album. It was something like a surprise for the fans and he was going to make it, even if that meant few nights without sleep and lot of scolding from his aunt.

 

He was stuck with the English lyrics, when there was a knock on the door. It was about 4PM; too late for Mrs. Bang and too early for granny, who liked to enjoy a peaceful afternoon nap at this hour.

He deduced that it had to be the post officer, and with grumbling moved to wrap a blanket around himself to cover his body, the soft cloth always prepared on the sofa's armrest for uninvited guests. He positioned himself behind the closed door and asked the intruder's identity.

“ _Package delivery_!” answered him a muffled voice.

'Of course it is.'

Yoongi grabbed the doorknob and dragged the door open… and he tried to close it again immediately after eyeing his front porch, adrenaline caused by shock rushing through his body. To his bad luck, a leg was already inserted between the door and its frame, leaving about 10 centimeters of space.

“Hyung, stop it, let us in!” complained Namjoon’s voice, some other grumbling followed.

...maybe if he managed to close the door, nothing would be revealed and they would just leave? In his panic, he decided to kick Namjoon’s shine… but it only resulted in him loosing balance and loosening the grip on the knob. That was enough for Namjoon to jerk the door open and stand in front of the door to make sure it won’t close again.

Yoongi froze in place, still clenching his blanket that he managed to hold the whole time, and his eyes looking for Hoseok’s, who was standing in the back and giving his hyung a shy smile. He suddenly knew how did everybody find out about his whereabouts. He didn't return the smile.

“Can we go in, hyung? We know about the pregnancy.”

Yoongi still stood frozen, but he was starting to wonder whether fainting or running wouldn't do him better.

After few seconds, Hoseok clicked his tongue and fought his way inside, standing next to Yoongi. He looked at others who were also still in phase of figuring out how to act, and nodded to the direction of Yoongi’s room, unsure.

“Yea, come inside.”

Only after everyone made themselves comfortable on random pieces of furniture, looking uneasy with the situation, Hoseok tried to nudge and lead Yoongi to sit on a free spot on the sofa which intentionally left empty for the Yoongi, as the rapper realized in horror. Yoongi violently shook his hand off and turned to face him, awakening from his frozen state. His face was gradually turning redder with anger and he made no effort to suppress it.

“What have you done?” he accused. Hoseok lifted his eyes, shaking under his gaze.

“I… I did, what was needed to be done? You feared it, so—“

“That’s not your call to make, Hoseok, just no.”

Yoongi noticed, that Hoseok’s eyes, which were avoiding his own, were getting watery. Before he could lift his voice and vent his anger more, Yoongi felt another arm entwining around him from the behind.

“Yoongi.” Said Jin, putting on his motherly tone. “We should _all_ talk. But you need to sit down first.”

There was no point in refusing, so he let himself be led to the sofa. His gaze haven't left Hoseok, who shuffled to sit on the floor next to Taehyung, the younger's hand immediately moving to caress the rapper’s back in support. Yoongi was hurting; he felt betrayed, but he also couldn't stand everyone looking so distressed because of him.

“Yoongi.” Jin interrupted his thoughts. He seated himself next to Yoongi without the rapper's noticing, his arm still not leaving Yoongi’s shoulders.

“Don’t be hard on Hoseok. He might not have been right in his decision, but he meant well. And look... nobody’s accusing you and nothing bad happened.”

For the first time, Yoongi has allowed himself to eye the other boys in his room in detail. Some were giving him a shy, but somehow encouraging smiles, and other, like Jungkook, just stared and evidently waited for him to start speaking.

“What. What do you want me to say?” he blurted out in a last weak try to defend himself.

“If you let me,” started Namjoon, his face very business-like, but only until everyone turned their eyes on him in expectation. He cleared his throat. “I don’t think you need to say much, hyung. We… talked it through since Hobi had told us –“ others nodded “- and we want you to know that this shouldn’t change anything.”

“We love you and we will love the baby, too!” shouted Taehyung suddenly, loud enough to startle everybody.

“Shhh.” Jin gave him a not-so-honest angry look, and Taehyung immediately withdrew back, turning his look back at the floor.

“No, it’s true! I’m so sorry for how we acted. Even though you’re s-special, you’re still our hyung and we will always stand by you. I’m sorry we couldn’t be there for you…” Jimin lowered his eyes and Taehyung added: “Being special is fine!”

Jungkook was just nodding through their speeches.

 

Then came silence.

 

Yoongi was slowly coming to and it surprised him that he wasn’t feeling angry anymore and also that his grimace turned into probably slightly dumb looking, mouth and eyes wide open. He was unsure how to react, or interpret their words even, his mind blank.

“Oh fuck, we made him cry!” Taehyung commented and everyone was suddenly wearing same panicked expressions on their faces. Yoongi reached to his cheek and noticed it was slightly wet.

“Language, Tae!” sounded Jin’s voice somewhere behind Yoongi’s ear, but he could feel the older man's hand starting to draw circles on his shoulder.

And then suddenly something switched in his mind and he started laughing. And he was laughing loud. It was a desperate laugh; ridiculing the current situation, ridiculing how fast were switching his emotion from desperation and anger to relief and strange warmth, ridiculing his previous fears about everyone's reaction. He knew them better than he knew himself, why would he ever doubt?

It took only few seconds and exchanged gazes, and everyone was laughing together with him. But that lasted only until was Yoongi yanked back by sudden force and when he looked up, he realized Hoseok is clinging onto him, hugging him like Yoongi could disappear any second. The younger was crying hard, sobbing into Yoongi’s shoulder like there was no tomorrow, and everyone including Yoongi went quiet again, startled by the dancer’s sudden reaction.

“H-hyung, I am… I am... so s-s-sorry….” He sobbed.

To his continued surprise, Yoongi only smiled and hugged Hoseok back lightly, one hand going up to his head to stroke the younger's hair.

“Shhh, it's fine. I forgive you.” He felt like crying together with him. He was really blessed to have met people like this.

He turned his heavy eyes to the room and one by one locked gazes with everybody, giving them a silent assurance that his previous statement applied to all, not letting go of the younger's shaking body.

 

\---

 

Bangtan stayed in Yoongi’s room until midnight, catching up on everything they had missed; Yoongi was mostly quiet, listening to others’ stories and laughing together with them - just like it always was. Then he talked about his work and about other hobbies, he’s developed during the time off. He’s even made Namjoon go through his songs together with him, while Jin decided to occupy the small kitchen corner and make them some high-in-nutrients dinner.

He was now sitting freely, blanket long forgotten, and enjoying Jin’s cooking after a long time. It felt like nothing has changed over the months. But that was until the baby has suddenly decided it was a time to attack his bladder and remind him of its existence.

“Oh fuck.”

Everyone looked up, question in faces.

“Is something wrong?” Jin asked.

“No, it’s… nothing.”

But the baby was unyielding and decided to continue pestering him. Yoongi huffed and placed a hand on his stomach, gaining scared looks from around the table.

“No, sorry, I’m fine… it’s just… the baby is kicking.” He felt himself getting red in face at the statement. It was somehow intimate to say.

“ _Ohmaigat, really_?” Taehyung jumped from his place, followed by Jungkook, and they fast settled on the floor next to Yoongi, eyes wide with anticipation.

“Can I feel it when I touch it?” Taehyung asked with wide, puppy eyes.

“Tae—“ Hoseok brought attention to himself, brows furrowed and sending the younger boy a silent warning to let go.

“No, it’s fine.” Yoongi surprised himself. “I mean, yes, you can touch it if you want to…” 

The younger boys were just too excited and Yoongi couldn’t bring himself to not grant them anything they wanted. As he gave the permission, all the members were suddenly hunching next to Yoongi, to his discomfort, and silently waiting for some reaction from Jungkook and Taehyung, who had their hands on Yoongi’s lower abdomen. Yoongi had to wonder if they were waiting the whole evening for him to bring the topic up.

“I felt it!” screamed Taehyung victoriously and Jungkook’s eyes went even wider and he nodded. Before he realized it, there were 5 hands on his stomach, all waiting for another kick. Only Hoseok was silently nomming on his dinner and watching from a distance with unreadable face. Yoongi gave him a questioning look, wordlessly asking if something was wrong, and Hoseok sent him a reassuring smile. Yoongi wasn’t sure why it made him relax.

 

\---

 

There were lots of hugs and whining when the boys got a call telling them they needed to return, together with promises of meeting again soon.

“I’ll meet you in the car in a minute!”

Everyone nodded and waved Yoongi last goodbye, leaving him alone with Hoseok.

“What?” asked the older, a mischievous smile playing on his lips. “Just don’t go apologizing again!”

Hoseok smiled a bright sunshine smile, his eyes turning into crescents.

“…I won’t.”

Then he closed the distance between the two of them and pulled Yoongi into a gentle hug. The older male relaxed into it, and snuggled his hands around the other’s waist.

It was a thankful gesture, they both knew that. They were smiling, when they finally broke the hug some tens of seconds later.

“I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“But really, this time.”

“I promise.”

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Yoongi liked to think, he’s gotten hang of the pregnancy. The problem was that aside from celebrating a little win every time he managed to prevent morning sickness or sore legs by learnt practices, there was a little evil voice coming from somewhere in his unconsciousness and telling him, he shouldn’t be happy about these moments. He shouldn’t enjoy them and he absolutely shouldn’t thankfully pat his baby bump or speak to it sincerely. The moments should mean nothing to him.

Because getting pregnant was never part of his “great life plan” and he wasn’t keeping the baby anyways.

Or at least that’s what he kept telling himself every time he’s found himself smiling at commercials with babbling toddlers eating new and revolutionary fully organic baby food, or when he’s waken up at night just to check if he hasn’t rolled into a position that could put pressure on his belly. Usually the self-convincing strategy worked because he’s immediately started to feel anxious, suffocated – mostly by the lack of time and by the decision he couldn’t make himself to voice out. Fortunately, there was still over three months of time for that. _Still._

To his displeasure, Bangtan members weren’t allowing him to pretend there is nothing that needs to be done in a short period of time; even though they were probably doing it unconsciously by fussing about his situation. During the past three weeks, few of the guys would come to his small house every second or third day, basically attacking him by the front door to put hands on his stomach and cheerily comment on how “it’s gotten bigger _”_ , even though it was still the same. But he knew they were bringing up his pregnancy and future out of attachment and interest, so he was allowing them to cheer about it since it made them happy; anyways, even if he would act grumpy or angry, their behavior would still be the same. Yoongi himself was melting a little during the lively visits but when he was left alone later, there would be a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. Not only because of the immediate longing for his friends but also because of the pretending he’s gotten used to - which he couldn’t decide if he did to them, or to himself.

 

\---

 

Taehyung and Hoseok stopped by for a moment. It was almost midnight and even though Yoongi felt a need to comment about proper time to visit, he didn’t because he wasn’t sleeping anyway, and he had to admit, he was feeling much better just because they entered his house - even though he would never voice that aloud.

The part of the visit which got him cringing was when Taehyung showed him a plastic bag that he brought, and reached inside to pull out a small piece of cloth. Yoongi recognized it right away from its shape and his heart sank.

“Hyung! We…” Taehyung’s gaze shied away “with Hoseok hyung, we stopped in the department store on our way here, just to buy some snacks, but. There was this shop… and it was sooo cute. So we thought that you would like it, too?” He gave Yoongi a hopeful gaze and shoved the baby rompers in his face. It was of universal yellow color and there was a picture of smiling duck on the front side, happily exclaiming _‘Quack!’_

It _was_ cute. But Yoongi knew, he shouldn’t let himself get carried away.

“Tae…”

The boy jumped in place. “Yes?”

“I told you to not bring any baby stuff, didn’t I? Then why did you?”

Hoseok made a move to step in front of the boy and shield Taehyung with his body, smiling. His tone was calm and comforting. “It’s not a big deal, hyung. We just thought it’s adorable. You can always stuff them in the boxes in your bedroom _which I know_ have some other baby stuff, or just throw them away.”

It was true, that there was a lot more baby stuff in his house than he would have liked. He explicitly asked all that used to come for visits to _not_ bring anything, but somehow, now there were three or four boxes (he wouldn’t really check) full with used baby things in the corner behind his bed – mostly thanks to Mrs. Bang and her friends, theirs children overgrowing them. If he was going to put the baby for adoption, he thought that he wouldn’t want to meet the parents, but maybe he could still manage to pass the things to them.

He sighed and took the tiny clothes from Taehyung’s stretched hand.

“Fine. It’s cute. But don’t do it again.”

Although Yoongi looked grumpy saying that, Taehyung’s face lit up.

“Actually, hyung! We also bought the cloth moms wrap around themselves to carry the baby around instead of stroller. Because if we brought the stroll—“

Hoseok noticed Yoongi’s brows furrow in time and leaped to grab and turn the older male in the direction towards the living room, effectively stopping the incoming protests.

“Actually, I think you stood long enough. How about sitting down now? Tae will get us tea, right, Taehyung?” He sent the boy a warning look as he sat down with Yoongi, arm around the smaller’s shoulders.

Taehyung gave Hoseok disapproving look and Hoseok sent him back another face, which was saying that he shouldn’t protest. Yoongi only rolled eyes.

“Okay, if you want tea, I can get it…” said Taehyung indecisively and trotted away.

Hoseok smiled again and turned to look in the older’s face. His look was met with a frown.

Yoongi only sighed, defeated by the younger’s antics, and leaned back, bringing Hoseok with him as the younger’s arm was still wrapped around him. He knew what were his friends doing – they weren’t quite subtle about trying to influence Yoongi into keeping the baby. Still there was no use in getting mad at them for it, he didn’t exactly gave them a reason to stop it, too.

Yoongi was lost in thought and Hoseok has placed his hand on Yoongi’s lower abdomen curiously. It was something that became natural to them. Hoseok was always leaning on Yoongi when he came for a visit, overflowing with energy, wriggling around and laughing at nothing really. Yoongi has adapted to the skinship quite naturally, so he now automatically reacted to the touch by placing his own hand on top of Hoseok’s. There was nothing weird about that. He didn’t even notice his own movement. And he wouldn’t notice Hoseok’s sharp intake of air and the younger’s eyes widening just for a moment, as well.

 

\---

 

The boys left some hour and half later and Yoongi was left alone with his thoughts. It was a curse – once he allowed himself to think, he couldn’t stop. An unpleasant habit, which often emerged after being confronted with his situation as he was today.

He placed himself on the bed sheets and tried to think about everything but babies and decisions and too supportive friends.

He was busying his mind with thoughts about the album, which was going to be released in three days, and how lonely he felt when the members apologized that they wouldn’t be visiting as often. It was a thing that didn’t need to be mouthed, but hearing it still brought a knot to Yoongi’s stomach. He wouldn’t see them, and he also wouldn’t stand by them and he wouldn’t be there to support and be supported during the long hours without rest.

He was also scared about his next check-up in hospital. He was nearing sixth month, currently in 22nd week, and there was a chance that anytime now, he would be advised to stay in the hospital for the rest of the pregnancy. There were no problems with the development, but the doctor was worried about Yoongi staying alone for most of the day (although Mrs. Bang was now spending much more time in his house). The baby wasn’t still as big that he would have to be bed-bounded, but the time was getting closer.

Yoongi asked the doctor not to reveal the baby’s gender, because he didn’t want that to affect his decision. It was a ‘baby’, and that sounded much easier to deal with than ‘son’ or ‘baby girl’. He shuddered when he thought about the words, and stuffed them into the back of his head.

In the end, he’s fallen asleep few hours later, the draining state of his being helpful for once.

 

\---

 

He was awoken much earlier than he would have wished, and in much less peaceful way. Due his last night’s absent-mindedness, he’s forgotten to both stretch before sleep and finish a glass of vitamin water, which helped to reduce or get fully rid of the morning sickness as he has learnt. So he woke up with sun still considerably down and gentle, time not over 8 in the morning, and he was sick.

He knew that movement was what made him feel better, so he forced himself to get up and started walking in circles around the room, breathing slow and deep.

It took about 10 minutes before he was sure he wouldn’t throw up and made his way to the kitchen, huffing about how should manage the priorities better. His fridge was always full now, withstanding his sudden munchies waves even. He opened and checked the contents slowly, looking for something that would stimulate his appetite. He threw a sad look at the soft cheese someone has planted there and instead reached for a strawberry jam, as the pregnancy didn’t allow him to eat the earlier. Learning about the diet and following it was the least he could do for both of them, he believed. 

Just when he finished making his toast, keys rattled in the lock, followed by the sound of doors’ opening. Only Mrs. Bang had spare keys, so Yoongi took his plate and walked in the living room to greet the lady, relaxed and somehow proud of being up when she arrived for once. He smiled but only until he spotted the lady’s husband entering the room behind her.

“Oh, Yoongi! You’re up so early?” she chirped, setting her shoes by the door and making her way near surprised Yoongi. “It’s nice to see you active in the morning for once!”

“Good morning Yoongi.” Greeted the husband, finally joining his wife’s side and placing his arm on her shoulder.

“Good morning to you, too.” Answered Yoongi unsure, looking at the both of them. He suddenly felt shy about the clear affection between the couple in front of him. It was probably a similar feeling to catching your older relatives being too close, not that Yoongi had any experience with that. Also, it was his boss’ only third visit to his house, and although Yoongi’s has learnt to be comfortable around the woman, Bang Sihyuk was still his superior and he doubted that that impression was ever going to change. Yoongi also couldn’t but wonder about why has the man decided to visit right now. He somehow knew it wasn’t only to check on him.

“Should I get you something to drink…?” He tried.

The woman laughed at Yoongi’s offer. “I will do that. You boys sit down and talk about what you need to…” she patted both their shoulders before disappearing into kitchen very fast. The CEO made a gesture for Yoongi to sit on the sofa, and the rapper complied, setting the forgotten breakfast aside from now.

“Well, Yoongi, how have you been?” the man smiled encouragingly.

“Been better. But I’m fine. Just some back and leg pains, nothing out of ordinary.”

“That’s great to hear. So, the baby isn’t rebelling much?” the man joked, and Yoongi forced himself to smile back.

“It’s a pretty calm one, I think. But I don’t have much to judge from.”

“Indeed.” The man seemed content with Yoongi’s answers and how he’s adapted to his joking.

“Well, I’m really glad you’re doing fine. I hear a lot at home about how you are, but it’s better to hear from the source. I was afraid, of course, but I never doubted your maturity and ability to handle things, too.”

Yoongi threw the man another nervous smile, still not sure where was the talk headed to.  _‘He’s gonna drop a bomb, isn’t he… that’s what the small talk is for.’_

“Well, Yoongi, I don’t have much time today, although I would love to hear more from you. I actually came for a reason or two, and as I’m supposed to be somewhere else, I’m afraid, I will need to move onto the main topic.” The man was still smiling, but Yoongi swallowed nervously. It was coming.

“First, I should congratulate you for your song making it to the album. Or was it two of them?”

“One if mine and the second, we worked on with Namjoon. And thank you…” It was Namjoon’s idea to finish one of the songs Yoongi was stuck on after the first Bangtan’s visit.

“Don’t thank me. I as well as other producers, were really surprised by the quality of it.” Yoongi has gotten an email evaluation of his songs, stating how he matured in both musical and writing way. A lot of big people talking big things. He read it so many times, he’s memorized it by now.

“…And as the album is going on sale in three days, I would like to discuss the terms of your _‘break’_.”

Yoongi gulped and if the man noticed, he hasn’t commented on it.

“I’ve been thinking how to involve you more into the promotions and I came up with this – I would like to change your contract a little and state you as a producer in the records. Since you’re officially on a health leave now, it would be legally easier to handle after you give birth as you wouldn’t be forced to be under company surveillance and you could organize your time as you wish. The pay is more than decent, too, and you would have no problems handling the expenses for you and baby even, if you decided to go that way.”

Somewhere in the middle, Yoongi’s jaw dropped. He was finally getting a chance to become what he always strived for. And not lose fans in the middle of it, too.

“You would give me the chance…?”

The man laughed heartily.

“You earned that yourself. Of course, once you would decide to return to being performer, it can be done in a flash.”

It was true that even though the company was partly helping him pay the rent, and sending him an insurance money every month, his finances were getting thinner slowly. It was also true, that when he thought about what was going to happen after the birth, he was using the ‘little-money, no-education, single-parent’ situation to convince himself that keeping baby would be a wrong step (not that he was happy about giving it up). But now was he offered a perfect job and situation, and basically all he dreamt about. The faces of the members appeared on his mind shortly, but he knew now that he wasn’t going to lose them whichever way he chooses.

 

He didn’t answer yet and Mrs. Bang returned with a tray with three cups, two teas and a coffee for the oldest in the room. Yoongi wondered where did she find cookies as well, and how many places, he didn’t know about were in his kitchen.

“Are you boys done with the serious talk?” she smiled as she served the cups in front of them.

Her husband laughed again and wrapped his arm lovingly around her waist as she sat down next to him.

“I don’t know. Yoongi? How do you feel about my offer?”

Yoongi looked up and smiled back at the man, meaning the gesture for the first time today.

“I’d gladly accept… I think.”

“Then yes, we’re done with the serious talk.” The man smiled at his wife. “I will send Kang with documents and details. You can take your time.”

“Alright. Thank you.”

Mrs. Bang sat straight and eyed both the men. Yoongi wondered if she’s trying to keep herself calm because she just seemed to brim with happiness. It was scary.

“So now the less serious talk?” she asked, turned to her husband, and he nodded.

“I’ve wanted to wait until we’re sure everything is alright, and we got the good news just yesterday. So… we are expecting a baby.”

Yoongi’s eyes widened. He could see them both being ecstatic, but somehow he couldn’t bring himself but worry. The woman has been pregnant many times and it never went well, some of her organs never returned to its previous health, too. There was also the age – she was over 40 already and that itself would put anybody into danger. They both noticed his silence and Mrs. Bang continued to explain.

“Don’t worry, Yoongi. We thought, we wouldn’t be trying anymore but as I spent my time here with you, watching the baby grow on photos too, we decided to try for one last time. I was ready for it not going well, but for the first time, we’ve got positive results in all the fields. The doctor says it’s normal and healthy pregnancy…”

Yoongi knew, he was was really surprised, but also really happy. What he couldn’t understand, and didn’t try to at the moment, was a ting of loss, he was feeling.

“That’s… that’s great. Congratulations. …How far in are you?”

“Almost three months, 11 weeks. Our babies might be friends later.” She laughed and her husband copied her. Yoongi could only offer a smile. The ominous feeling he was feeling since the announcement, has only gotten stronger in him.

 

In the end, they parted with hugs. The boss was late for his meeting and the lady still needed to make a shopping before coming back. When the door clicked closed behind them, Yoongi has sat back. The excitement has left him with the pair leaving and he was now left with a dull feeling.

_They were having a baby…_

It meant, Yoongi would lose his caretaker. He could ask the lady no more to do his cleaning and shopping. And even though they have never talked about it, it meant, Yoongi could no longer consider the couple to adopt the baby. He tried to open the conversation few times before, but always shied away. If there was anyone who he trusted to give the unborn child the care and love, it deserved and needed, it was the Bangs.

‘ _The babies could be friends?_ ’

He buried his face in his hands and let out a long, tired grumble.

 

\---

 

Yoongi tactically overslept the whole visit of aunt Bang. He was still tired and he wasn’t ready to share anecdotes about being pregnant and compare the shapes of their bellies - which he knew wouldn’t happen, but it was still an excuse. When he woke up hours later, he let out few toned down insults directed at his stiff back, but had no choice but to get out from under the blanket as his stomach loudly let him hear from itself. He placed one hand on his stomach and second on the pained back.

“Sure, sure, just gimme a sec to heat something. Dam—I mean, _gosh_ , you’re eager.”

He heated up some spaghetti from the fridge and comfortably seated himself under blanket, using his belly as a provisional table. He set up notebook on the small table in front of him and put on play a recent episode of his favorite variety show. Before he could finish the meal, there was a knock on the door. He really didn’t feel like changing his position and let out an annoyed “Who’s there?”

“Kang Manager.” Was the answer.

_‘Well, that was fast.’_

“And Hobi!”

Yoongi sighed and brought himself to unlock the door for the men. They let themselves in, Hoseok giving Yoongi a soft hug with pats on his back.

The manager has brought the documents and Yoongi went over them with him, while Hoseok made himself comfortable in front of the show and finished the spaghetti happily, not making noise to disturb the two. It was really a generous offer, the money was almost double of what he had as an idol and there wasn’t parts he would really have to doubt, considering his lawyer was mutual for everybody in the company and also that he trusted Mr. Bang fully.

 

\---

 

The manager left half an hour later together with new documents. Hoseok made no move to follow him, so Yoongi figured he’s staying till late and taking taxi back. Yoongi grumbled as he sat back down. Hoseok has immediately spread blanket over him and moved, so that they supported each other from one side.

“I thought you should be finishing for the comeback? When is it, next Thursday?”

Hoseok chuckled. “Yeah, but it’s only dance practices now and I’m kinda fine with that.”

Yoongi snorted but hasn’t commented further. The heat Hoseok was radiating was making him relax and Yoongi snuggled a bit lower to fit better against the dancer’s side. He let out a content breath.

“Are you cold?”

“No, but my back is killing me.”

Hoseok lowered his head to match Yoongi’s eyes and the older looked up.

“Want me to massage it for you?”

“…Yea, that would be nice.”

They were shifting for a while, not leaving the blanket, until they were both comfortably seated, legs crossed on the seat and Yoongi’s crouched back facing Hoseok. The younger started to draw shapes over his back, slowly and gently, but with it a force to relax the strained muscles and ligaments. Yoongi was aware he was melting under the touch and let out a satisfied huff.

“Are you purring, hyung?”

Hoseok voice sounded right next to Yoongi’s ear and the older stiffened for a moment. There was basically no space separating the two and Yoongi could feel Hoseok’s breath on his side.

“…Nope.”

Yoongi hoped to sound relaxed. Hoseok’s laugh rang by him again and Yoongi could feel the blood shifting into his face and ears. Hoseok continued to massage Yoongi for another minutes and they started a natural talk about Yoongi’s new position. Yoongi was tense about how the man listened to the talk he lead with manager before, but it seemed Hoseok was genuinely happy for him and he assured him the members would have no problem with that, as well.

“Are your arms not dead yet?”

“I can’t even feel them anymore.”

Yoongi chuckled. “I’m much better, you can stop.”

He could hear Hoseok let out a long, tired sigh and something heavy situated itself on his shoulder a moment later. Hoseok’s arms wrapped around Yoongi’s hips and the dancer rested his palms on top of Yoongi’s belly. Yoongi stiffened again. The other man’s chest was pressed into his back and a black mop of hair was tickling Yoongi’s neck. He didn’t dare to move. He could feel the warmth in his veins come alive again.

 _‘This is just Hoseok being affectionate as always, stop that.’_ But his body had its own will, so he decided speaking could distract him.

“…are you tired, Hobi?”

“Hm? Yeah. But it’s nothing we haven’t been through.” He almost whispered. Yoongi could feel his breath on his neck and… ‘ _Oh god, oh god…’_ He knew he needed to break their proximity somehow. His insides felt like it was about to explode. Hoseok broke his panic the next second.

“Rather tell me, how have you and junior been?” the dancer patted the bulging belly a little. But Yoongi didn’t care about that, he was shocked and alarmed by Hoseok’s question. He sat straight right away and Hoseok’s head bounced away from his shoulder. He turned to look the younger man in face.

“ _Who?”_

Hoseok shifted under Yoongi’s gaze and threatening tone, his eyes growing big.

“Ah... um... you and the b-baby? Is something wrong?”

Yoongi kept staring at the younger for long seconds before he realized what was he doing and softened his look. Hoseok looked utterly confused.

“It’s nothing.”

“O-okay…?”

“Yeah, okay.” Yoongi closed his eyes and let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Hobi. Yeah, we’re both fine.”

“That’s great.” Hoseok gave him a shy smile. “So we can, hm, go back to watching the stuff?”

“Yeah, let’s finish it.”

They leaned back in the backrest, their sides touching, but there was no hand thrown around Yoongi’s shoulders, patting his belly or a knee, and Yoongi kind of missed it.

 

\---

 

An hour later, Hoseok actually forced Yoongi to play a card game with him. Yoongi always hated those and let the younger know by very loud unhappy noises, but he said nothing to refuse the game and Hoseok was repaying him with sunshine smiles. The awkwardness was gone and no one wanted to bring the topic up again. In the end, they spent last hours before midnight debating about Mrs. Bang’s pregnancy and Yoongi’s future months and plans. They both saw, that Yoongi wouldn’t be able to stay alone for much longer but in the end, they haven’t found a satisfying solution to the problem. Yoongi couldn’t go back to the dorm, because sooner or later, some of the ever-present fans would find out about him. He couldn’t go back home, as well. And he didn’t plan to go to hospital just yet before it was necessary.

“How about some manager?” Hoseok suggested. “The company could pay somebody to take care of you for three months I’m sure.”

“Hm, yeah, I thought about that, too. But I just… don’t want a strange guy to take care of me. And it’s kinda… well… I just hate the idea.”

“They could hire a woman, too.”

“That’s the same. And there is no woman in the company and bringing strangers in is dangerous. I don’t really want my pictures all over the newspaper headlines.”

They both furrowed brows and looked down, thinking. There was one way that they didn’t mention left, they knew. That way, Yoongi could stay away from public and no stranger would be joining in on the secret. Just none of them wanted to say that out loud. It was Hoseok in the end.

“Hyung… then, how about your father? He knows it, you know. And he knows about pregnancy, too, right?”

Yoongi didn’t want to admit that it was the most real solution they would come up with through the evening. “I know…”

 

\---

 

They couldn’t agree on anything and decided to stop when Hoseok had to leave. Yoongi accompanied him to the door as always and they stopped to say their goodbyes.

“So, hyung, congrats on the album.”

“You, too.”

Both smiled.

“I will—I mean, we will be really busy with the promotions later.” Yoongi could see Hoseok’s face fall. “I’m not sure how often will I be able to visit…” He gave Yoongi an apologizing look, which remained the rapper of a sad puppy. Yoongi reached out and pinched Hoseok’s cheek.

“I know. But we have phones, right?”

“Well ouch. But that’s not the same. You cannot pinch me or snuggle against me through that—“ Hoseok fended off another attack. “And pregnant people need a lot of love and affection, right, little one?” Hoseok placed his hands on Yoongi’s belly and Yoongi relaxed against the touch again. It was like the top of his stomach has become a natural place for the younger’s hands; as if it was where they belonged.

“Who are you talking to? Gosh, don’t start talking to it, even you. I need at least one sane person around.” Yoongi laughed and Hoseok frowned.

“Babies need to be talked to before they’re born. It helps their mental development.”

Yoongi raised an eyebrow. “And where did you get that from?”

Hoseok shifted in place. “Here and there? I read a lot.” He noticed the doubt in the older’s face and continued to justify himself quickly. “No, really, I do. So you should hug me now, because I know what I’m speaking about with all the affection you crave.” Hoseok smiled brightly, his eyes disappearing into crescents, as he was satisfied with his speech. Yoongi couldn’t help but laugh. It was cute, okay.

“Just go.” Yoongi said, not letting go of wide grin. Hoseok pouted a bit, but it was fast gone, when he leaned forward to wrap himself around the older rapper. Yoongi’s arms came up naturally. Even some minute later, no one seemed too eager to break the hug. Hoseok let out a breath and loosened it a little, just to meet Yoongi’s eyes. He was smiling warmly and Yoongi wondered if a hug is really all the man needs to radiate pure happiness as he did.

“Bye.” He said, and in the next moment brought Yoongi’s head down a little and touched the crown with black roots with his lips so gently that it seemed more like a touch that of a butterfly. Then he crouched forward and placed another on the older’s belly. 

Yoongi was still in the middle on processing what just happened when the door closed in his face, leaving only a faint trace of Hoseok’s scent behind. 

When his heart started beating again, he crouched on the floor and placed his hot face into his wide palms.

“Surprised, yeah, I’m just _surprised_.”


	10. Chapter 10

Bangtan has made a comeback and sky-rocketed to the top of hitparades just few days after the first official performance. Social networks and mass media were going crazy with news about the sensation and every day, there were more and more articles from various local music critics and reviewers, as well as from those from behind the ocean and further.

_“…feels like the most mature and thorough performance the group has created so far….“_

_„…well balanced powerful rap with soothing vocal performance and feelings associated with emotional growth…"_

It was only a matter of days before the group would appear on prestigious charts, such as Billboard. Everybody expected it.

 

Yoongi made sure not to miss any broadcasting. During some extra heated streamings, he would even wave his Bangtan Bomb at his screen and cheer for his friends loudly without second thought – there was no one to judge him and even if there were, he wasn’t doing anything he should be ashamed of. Another step of becoming a fan-supporter was creating second account on Bangtan’s fancafe and commenting together with the mostly high-school-aged fans about how great Jimin looks with a little bit more fat in his face and how Taehyung seems more mature and somehow sexier lately. Not that he the boy appeared any different in person, but he was surely trying on stage and Yoongi was going to give him credit for that.

Yoonig might have been worried to the last moment before comeback – about the album failing, somebody getting hurt, and no matter how ridiculous that seemed, Bangtan being 'complete' without him. But after the comeback stage, all the worries left him and he found himself grinning as a madman at his computer in joy. He could felt the same emotions as were displayed on the younger boys’ faces and when he noticed Jimin and Hoseok tear up, he knew he was up there with them at least mentally when not physically. They were carrying him with them everywhere.

Few minutes after, his phone was bombarded with messages and calls and Yoongi ended up calming down the boys and praising them for flawless output, just as any older brother would do. There was no way anybody could say he was being left out.

 

\---

 

Yoongi kept himself busy with watching the promotions and during free time between programs, he tried to diligently work on achieving his newly set goal – getting better at housework.

He might be good with the “manly stuff” such as repairing and minor technical works, but vacuuming and cooking were new areas to him, and even though he would have loved for it to stay that way, it was something he felt he need to master. He had all the time to achieve it and it seemed that it could come of use one day, if not now. Also, it was one of the thing he never bothered to learn or even try and it was hurting his ego a little to be so bad at it.

So it started with burnt pans – it wasn’t that he burnt the surface a little, no, he created whole new layer on the pan, black and bumpy. And it wouldn’t come off. Luckily, Mrs. Bang discovered the mess he tried to hide and gave him a lesson on detergents, way of handling the surface and cooking in general. She didn’t laugh at him and didn’t treat him as a child who messed up, as well, and Yoongi was thankful for that and listened carefully, nodding in understanding. Vacuuming was a little easier, but there were still things he didn’t know – like that there’s a dust bag inside the machine, which needs to be changed sometimes or the dust starts to come out again. It was somehow amazing to find out something like this in almost 23 years.

_‘Is that how people felt in the prehistory times after discovering the wheel?’_

 

\---

 

“Yoongi… you know that I don’t want to pressure you but you must have thought about it yourself, too, I’m sure, so let me ask – there’s less than three months left and with your condition, there’s no guarantee you will be able to carry until natural birth. Have you decided what is going to happen after the child’s born?”

Yoongi and his aunt just finished the Bolognese that he helped prepare (peeling onions and stirring pasta is a big help, or she said). They were now sitting on the sofa, sated and relaxed and sipping Japanese tea Mr. Bang brought back from his business trip. It was supposed to be perfect, lazy afternoon, but the question changed things in instant. Yoongi tensed.

“Oh, uh… yeah, sure I thought about it… well, the doctor said I can also decide after giving birth.” He silently hissed right away, realizing he’s unwillingly admitted he gave the problem less thought than he should have had.

“Oh, Yoongi… you can sign the papers in hospital, yes, but you sure need to know what are you going to do _before_ you do it.” The lady sounded disappointed and kind of sad and Yoongi knew he deserved that, so he stayed quiet. “You know that neither me, neither boys, will pressure you into anything, but could you try and tell me what are you so scared of right now? Because I think you might need to talk about it with somebody or you won’t stop avoiding the problem until it’s too late. Am I wrong?”

Of course she wasn’t wrong. If Yoongi didn’t know before, he’s sure learnt over the months that he’s a master of avoiding problematic topics and decisions. And even though he wanted to snap at the woman that it’s _only his_ problem, he also knew very well that she is totally right about needing a voice from outside to push him back into being responsible and adult.

He let out a deep sigh and buried his head into hands to rub his eyes.

“No… No, you’re right. But I really don’t know what to say. I guess… even though I thought I would have no problems, I cannot fully accept the idea of adoption. I mean, adopting? Fine. But giving the baby, who I took all this time to make sure they have all they need to be born healthy and all? I’m just worried that they might not get what they need at somewhere others’ place. There’s the social workers to check on them, I know, but just…” Yoongi’s voice traced away and he noticed that the lady moved closer and started rubbing his back.

“There is also partial adoption. You could check up on them time from time.”

“No. No… that’s… I couldn’t….” he lifted his gaze and locked their eyes. He searched for something in the older’s eyes and she nodded back in understanding. _It would hurt._

“Then you are right, there are, practically, only two options.” She said quietly. “And however harsh it sounds, the question you will need to answer is - What will be more important to you, career or baby. If you put them to adoption, your hands are free and you will be able to live without responsibilities for some time. But you will also worry – how is the baby, are they alright, how would it be if you didn’t put them away... It will haunt you for a long time. You can only rely on the system, that the new parents were examined to details and found capable of raising a child. But”

The lady hurried when she raised her look and noticed Yoongi’s pained one.

“No one can know how good of parent will they be until they actually try, be it the adoptive parents or you. And everyone worries – I only hoped to have a big family in my life, and look now. Do I seem like a good mother to you, Yoongi? Because I’m scared. I think of the unborn child and cannot help but smile and worry at the same time. But I know it will be fine eventually. I will learn. And so will you, if you decided to go that way. I know well enough, that you’re the type to give the child all it needs.”

“But you can… everyone else can… give them so much more. What would they have with me? They would be known as a bastard child of unmarried celebrity, they would be asking for their mother and I could say nothing. It doesn’t even matter what I’d wanted… I can’t do this to them….” Yoongi couldn’t bring himself to look up. One reason was because he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to hold tears, and the other, that even he himself knew he was exaggerating. Or was he?

The lady’s voice became shaky and Yoongi felt a stab by his heart when she spoke. “I know, Yoongi… I know, it’s hard… let’s not speak about it if you’re not ready. Just promise me you won’t give up because of these reasons you made for yourself. There is always a way… but it’s true you might be not be ready for a child if you only see the bad points about it. But also, we’re here. You have so many people who will support you around yourself, can you see it? They were always there, you just need to let them in…” she smiled. “By the way, why do you think your position in the company changed so suddenly? Of course, one reason is because you deserved it, but the other – you can decide about your future with less pressure now. And you can always go back to the group later.”

The members were excited when they heard about Yoongi’s “promotion”. Fans didn’t know yet, but they started to make assumptions from when they saw his name among the new album producers. And they were curious but much less worried as well. He didn’t let himself be happy about it, but he already saw few fan comments which were really close to reality with its guesses and stated that he ‘finally achieved what he wished for’ and that ‘they would always support him and are very proud’.

Bangtan’s fans were great.

Yoongi coughed away the sudden silence he didn’t notice until now.

“I’m… really thankful for… everything, I guess. I can’t say anything yet, but I promise I will think about it. And… decide. In time.”

_‘You couldn’t really be more awkward with both feelings and decisions, could you…’_

“That’s alright. Just consider everything. And don’t hesitate to speak to me if you’re unsure about anything. We can work it out…”

“Thank you really a lot, aunt.” Yoongi smiled at the lady, who was sending him a cheerful smile. They smiled for a while, until Yoongi’s corners started to tick and it became a bit awkward again, none of them obviously having more to say. “Weren’t you leaving, though?”

“Oh!” The woman jumped in a place. Both were probably glad to have found another topic after the emotional conversation. “I should leave in… some minutes ago. Yoongi, do you want to walk me to the gates?” She smiled while fetching her handbag and reaching for her coat.

“You would… let me walk outside? Without any complaints, scolding and stuff?”

The lady gave him somehow rebellious smile. “You still walk around when I’m not here, so I can forgive you this one time. Your body should know the best what you can and cannot do.”

Yoongi was taken aback a little, but a wide smile slowly grew on his face. “Well, it would be my pleasure then.”

 

\---

 

Yoongi put on a huge padded black coat, about which he thought that was shapeless enough to mislead any onlookers about his body. He bought it very cheap from the Internet during one of his shopping outbursts and couldn’t praise it enough.

It wasn’t completely dark yet, but dark enough so Yoongi would feel safe strolling in the old, narrow streets. He’s never walked like this with any of his parental figures or relatives and he admitted that is was pleasant feeling he could get used to. 

The lady reached to pass her arm in one of Yoongi’s and he felt protectiveness towards the small woman by his side.

They fell into pleasant silence, enjoying the soft breeze, still a little cold as it was the end of winter. The streets were mostly empty aside from few dogs eyeing them suspiciously from shadows and some interested gazes from the elderly inhabitants.

“Aren’t you thinking too hard?”

Her voice broke the moment and Yoongi focused his gaze again. “No, don’t worry. I am usually not thinking hard, or thinking at all.” He chuckled and the lady did as well.

“Oh, that’s good. Because I was going to distract you from it by asking if you knew about the baby cage that appeared in the Bangtan Boys’s dormitory…”

Yoongi chose to choke on spit in answer. They stopped in their walk and Mrs. Bang freed her arm to pat Yoongi few times on back. They were only one corner away from when Mrs. Bang parked her car. He rolled his eyes.

“They did what, again? We had this conversation so many times before yet they won’t stop with getting more and more stuff…” he sighed, but his look turned confused when the lady started laughing.

“And I don’t know how true that is, but I heard one of the managers caught Hoseok drinking baby milk from a sucking bottle last week.”

“Oh.” Yoongi choose to face palm this time. “I don’t get what is that guy thinking.”

“Well, that is weird, because he is being really obvious. But… it’s you, I wouldn’t expect any less.” She laughed and Yoongi untwined their arms and gave her a fake offended look. “Maybe you should ask him then. It could help with the deciding as well.”

Yoongi thought about that. Hoseok was there for him, he knew that, but no matter how he looked at it, he could only expect Hobi to name him countless minor reasons why he _should_ have the baby. He would never force Yoongi into anything and he stayed quiet because that’s what the older wanted, but Yoongi could see how attached he’s grown to the unborn. Hoseok even slipped tongue few times and Yoongi was indistinctly sure that the younger boy actually researched about pregnancy and babies more than he did. The words from Mrs. Bang only supported that theory.

He noticed the woman was staring at him with amused expression as he’s got carried away once again. Despite all, she was probably right. The short conversation they held today might have been psychically draining but he’s felt so much lighter at the moment. Like a little piece of the huge stone that kept growing inside him fell off. He should try speaking to others, Hoseok namely, for starters…

But before he could speak, a pain ripped through his lower body and he automatically stumbled few steps aback and leaned against a wall of a house, bending forward. He could register the woman nearing him and talking hastily, but the pain was too sharp and he couldn’t fully focus on the words. The sharp pain was replaced by a dull one, but only for few second before the torturing pain returned.  Yoongi clenched his teeth together and tried to focus on not falling over and losing consciousness.

“..-gi, Yoongi! We’re near the car, let’s get you inside.” The woman was dragging him away, to the settlement’s gate and in the direction of car park. He knew he was probably leaning too much weight on her, but he couldn’t help it. He tried to make few steps but cried out in pain and fear.

_‘…wrong, something is wrong. The baby must… shit… no, no, can’t be… it can’t be...’_

He could make out Mrs. Bang’s voice “…you, yes you, help us please, I can’t support his weight alone” and then he was grabbed on the other side and held steady. Yoongi turned to look at this new person and his look was met with terrified face of a young girl in high school uniform, probably not much bigger in size than Mrs. Bang herself.

Yoongi and the women somehow made it to the car and Yoongi laid across back seat. He could see the girl leaning above him and fasten a belt around him somehow. Then the door clicked closed and car started to move.

“Yoongi, can you hear me. Yoongi, speak to me.”

But his consciousness left him.

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

Yoongi woke up to foreign white ceiling and unknown sun-lit room. It took him a while before he managed to focus his eyes and organize thoughts, which were strangely all around the place. He looked around and noticed that he indeed wasn’t at home, but in rather solemn, cold room. There were sounds from outside the door. It dawned on him.

He fast turned to eye his own body, covered by thick white blanket. He realized he wasn’t breathing when he reached under the warmed and to his belly. Oh god, it had to be there…

He finally breathed out when his hand found the warm and still firm place.

_‘Oh fuck, thank you, thank you…’_

He made sure to get himself together before pressing button to call in hospital personnel. A nurse walked in a minute later, making Yoongi uncomfortable as it was somebody he’s never met before. She smiled at him and let him know that Doctor Park is on his way, asking whether he needed anything. He just shook head, thanking Mrs. Bang inside for taking him to the hospital he frequented rather than the bigger and closer one.

 

\---

 

The doctor arrived in ten minutes or so. He stood next to the only bed in the room and gave Yoongi a serious look.

“How are you feeling, Yoongi?”

“I don’t know, somehow… out of my body? I felt nothing when I woke up, but now everything started to ache. Doctor… what’s wrong? Something is wrong, right?” He couldn’t hide the shakiness in his voice.

The doctor gave him a tired look. “I cannot say everything’s alright, but you were lucky for now. Your body is probably still in shock, but right amount of sleep will cure that. As for your condition… you got here just in time. What happened is, that the fetus has shifted and started to choke on the umbilical cord. The pain that you felt was normal bodily reaction to the situation, basically a warning. If you’d arrived about ten minutes later than you did, we might not have been able prevent the baby from death. You were lucky.”

Yoongi could feel his heart beating erratically somewhere in his throat, making it hard to breathe. _‘Was it because I decided to take the walk, was it my mistake…’_

“…can it happen again?”

“Yes, that’s the problem. I was preparing you for not being able to move in matter of weeks, but the situation seemed to have arrived earlier than expected. Your body is not capable of widening in size more than it is as woman’s would and as the fetus moved once to a different position than desired, it would happen again if we let you walk. We need to make sure to keep it in the neutral position, which means you are not to move freely anymore.”

“So it should be okay, if I stay laid? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Well, we cannot know.” The man swept his forehead with a hand. “Even if you become bedridden, there is a high chance we will still need to manually evoke labor before the due date, but in 7th month it is hard to make any final statements. But yes, my prediction for now is that everything should be fine and the pregnancy won’t be as risky to continue… if only you stay laid, moving around exclusively with help and in a wheel chair. This is a VIP room reserved only for you to use, so if nothing changed since we spoke about your hospital stay last time, it shall become the place you will be staying at.”

Yoongi’s mouth formed a silent ‘O’. He understood what the man was saying, although it was an unpleasant surprise that he was to become bed bed-bound already. But if that was what he needed to do to deliver safely, he could handle it.

“So, I cannot go home anymore? …and my stuff?”

“I’m afraid, I cannot advise you to go back home, yes. But your aunt promised to bring the necessities, you can go over what you need her to bring when she visits. I will be checking on you every day. We will also be locking the door, only few personnel will receive key – it’s a safety measure we agreed on with your company representative. There’s one for you but you shouldn’t really be using it on your own anyways, only in necessary cases. Also, your friends are waiting outside of the room, I think they’ve been here since morning and it’s noon already. I can let them in by one for now, if that’s alright with you.”

Yoongi felt a pang of guilt at that. Bangtan should be in the middle of schedule right now, there is no way they could take off few hours to check up on their sick friend. They were probably getting into problems because of him.

“It’s okay, they can come in. Thank you for everything so far, I suppose. But… uhm… is it alright, I’m feeling really drowsy, sick and kinda like fainting right now?” Yoongi looked at the doctor, whose face was betraying nothing.

“It’s normal reaction, it means you are recovering from a shock. It should disappear in few hours. I will let your friends know they should hurry.”

Yoongi nodded and thanked again, hoping the man understood from his awkward gestured how thankful he really felt.

 

It turned out that only Namjoon and Jin managed to get their way around current schedule. Namjoon because he was the leader, spokesperson for the whole group, and company respected him for his leadership and decisions, so it made sense he would be the one to make sure Yoongi was alright and deliver the news to others. And Jin, well, Jin was nice and caring but no one really wanted to see him angry – there were stories running around the company about trainees who he made cry before debut. Nobody opposed Jin when he really decided for something. And he’s decided he was going to the hospital, so that was it.

Both were informed about Yoongi’s condition, so they didn’t take long when they saw the confused state the rapper was in. Namjoon explained that he was in good hands and company had everything under control and also that others were fine despite being dead worried. Jin was the more emotional visit, assuring Yoongi about his and child’s condition. Yoongi tried to give reactions to both, but not falling asleep the greatest deed he managed.

He still remembered asking Jin about Hoseok, though, and the older answered that Hoseok was taking the situation worse than others and they therefore decided not to let the rapper into hospital until Yoongi’s woken up and gotten better.

In the end, he was left in his new room alone again and allowed to enter much craved sleep, his worries dissolved for the moment.

 

\---

 

Yoongi woke again and noticed that the Sun has set already. He was dazed from sleep but he immediately noticed, he was feeling much better than he did before falling asleep. He felt relaxed even, comfortably tucked in blankets.

Although the sky behind hospital window was dark blue-ish color, the room was lit by a small lamp, sticking out of wall above the bed, producing a dim light in the room. Yoongi looked over the room to the clock – it was 2 AM. Only as he moved, he noticed foreign pressure somewhere on his body and directed his look the suspected way.

There was a person, half-sitting, half-lying on a chair by Yoongi’s bed, their head placed on Yoongi’s thigh and obviously asleep. A glance was enough to recognize sharp features of Jung Hoseok, dressed in a long black coat Yoongi always considered a perfect fit for the younger. Yoongi blinked few times to shake off remains of sleep and take the situation in, and after short contemplation decided to wake the man up and give him a fine scolding after listening to his reasons why wasn’t he in their dorm and getting enough sleep to go through the schedules. He tried to lift his arm to flinch the man, but noticed again that Hoseok was clasping his hand in both of his, holding onto it as if it was a life lane. He tucked harder to pull it free and pushed the dancer’s head lightly, just to wake him up. Hoseok straightened up, alarmed and looked around. When his eyes focused on Yoongi, he smiled sleepily, although meeting a raised eyebrow.

 

“It’s not morning yet, hyung…”

“Exactly, it’s late at night. What the he— what are you doing here, Hobi? Does they even know you’re here?” He decided to stop speaking foul few months ago and he was doing well, if he were to judge, but he still needed more work on the occasional slips.

Hoseok let out a whiny noise and pouted a little. “Of course, I promised manager, I will be back by noon. And the nurses allowed me to stay.”

Yoongi stared at the man for few second before his eyebrow fell and he sighed in defeat. Hoseok was an adult, in the end, and it was his decision to make – and Yoongi might have been just a little happy to have somebody by his side at the moment. There was no way, he was going to send Hoseok back by taxi in middle of the night, too.

He eyed the younger’s puffy face, not focusing on it for too long to start worry whether is the younger rapper just sleepy or actually cried, and shifted in his bed a little, leaving free space on one side.

“Come on.”

“…What?” Hoseok looked up confused and Yoongi rolled his eyes at the lack of ingenuity.

“I mean, get in the bed. There’s only one, so we will have to share, if you’re staying the night.” He saw the idol light up and furrowed. “But come now before I change my mind.”

Hoseok stood up and removed his coat before carefully folding himself next to Yoongi, laying on one side with arm under his head as a pillow. Yoongi noticed that he managed to lay down without making a physical contact with Yoongi. The man closed his eyes immediately and let out a content sound, at which Yoongi unconsciously smiled.

“But you still shouldn’t be here.”

Hoseok frowned cutely with his eyes still closed. “But this is the only place I really need to be now.”

Yoongi swallowed quickly. “…even if you’re worried about me, you have a responsibility towards the company, towards our fans… You need to put these first.”

Hoseok opened eyes and Yoongi noticed the sudden deepness and seriousness in them. The younger let that show very rarely, and it brought up a wave of shivers in Yoongi. No matter what, Hoseok was always trying to come out as easy-going person, hiding all his worries behind a mask of laugh. It was his defensive mechanism, and Yoongi thought he understood it.

Yoongi watched the younger sigh and shift his position so that he was sitting on the bed, leaning against a wall behind them. He clasped his hands together and lowered his face with unreadable expression towards them. There was an obvious change of atmosphere from the previous the lazy, sleepy one.

 

“Hyung, honestly… I don’t think that’s the first place in importance for me anymore. No, I’m sure it is not. I thought of it, a lot actually, and I was forced to make a choice right now – giving up on first place on charts or giving up time with you - I could… I would quit the job and spend the last two months here, with you, to make sure both you and the baby are going to be alright.” Yoongi felt his heart stop for a second, but Hoseok was steady, continuing his speech. “Honestly, all I think about is you and the baby lately - before I go to sleep, before going up on the stage, during having meals in between schedule. It’s frustrating and I know I’m hurting you by that, but I can’t help myself.”

Hoseok let out an exasperated sound and Yoongi noticed the younger’s hands shaking. He wanted to reach out and take his hands into his own two, but didn’t. He knew, that he understood the younger’s feelings towards him and that it was only him from the two, thinking that they managed to keep their purely platonic relationship… but hearing the younger’s words, _a confession_ , once again, he knew he had to admit that things were actually very different.

It wasn’t just a concern from a best friend.

But that wasn’t the scariest part. The scariest was, that Yoongi didn’t know how to feel about the situation. Few months ago? He would kick the boy off his room, stating him his duties and keeping his inner walls up. He knew, Hoseok would get over the hurt eventually. But now? He didn’t want to do that.

A part of him which made him stop breathing for a second actually wanted to accept the man’s offers. Everything… everything would be easier with Hoseok by his side. Less scary.

But he couldn’t do that.

 

“Hobi… there’s a whole medical team to make sure I’m going to be fine. And that the baby is going to be fine. I don’t want to sound harsh, but what could you possibly do here? You can’t throw away your career for a mistake I’ve made.”

Hoseok finally lifted his gaze and their eyes met.

“I know, it’s gonna be alright. It has to, but… I… I want to make sure you’re not ever going to be in pain and scared alone again. And if you hurt, I would hold your hand and assure you, you’re not suffering alone. I want to be here to make sure you won’t crumble, and hold you when you do. I…” Yoongi watched the man take a shaky deep breath in without noticing his own breathing getting unstable. “I’ve told you how I feel about you and I know it changes nothing and I don’t have any right in the world, but I just wanna go through this with you. I know I’m selfish.”

Yoongi noticed he started to shake somewhere along the lines as well. How could Hoseok possibly say this? How could he do this to him? Yoongi was supposed to be alone. He was supposed to pay and _suffer_ for his bad decisions. He shouldn’t be getting what he didn’t deserve.

But still, he couldn’t voice the words out, aloud.

“Hoseok, please…” Yoongi closed his eyes to shut everything out. He knew he couldn’t deny the shakiness in voice anymore, but he couldn’t care at the moment.

“Hyung,” the younger spoke again, his voice low and steady “I know you care about the child, I probably know you better than you yourself. You always feel alone – you don’t let others in fear, they would find out you aren’t ‘enough’ and would leave you. Your tough front is only a façade to hide your low self-esteem. But there’s no reason for that because you’re loving, emotional person with a huge heart. You _are_ enough, and so much more than that. You could raise a wonderful son or beautiful daughter. And you wouldn’t have to be alone… I love you and I trust you, and I love the baby almost the same amount. I can’t force you to keep them, I know that, but… I don’t want to lose any of you… I’m so sorry.”

Yoongi guessed Hoseok was tearing up, but he didn’t turn to look and make sure. An eye contact would have destroyed him. Instead, he kept his eyes closed and stayed quiet until he was sure his voice wasn’t going to betray him.

 

“Stop apologizing… bastard.”

Hoseok looked up, eyes going wide. He saw Yoongi sitting unnaturally straight, fists clenched so they turned white in places. He wasn’t crying, but Hoseok could see how much self-control that took for the smaller man. He smiled over his tears. He didn’t regret any of his words, he needed to say them and he believed the older male needed to hear them as well. Yoongi could try to deny him, but he knew the rapper. And right now, Hoseok couldn’t believe what was happening – he expected to be sent away, be rejected or coldly refused, but what he saw was acceptance. A somehow sad one, but it was the first time the older man let down all his defenses and allowed himself to let his real emotions show. And it was Hoseok who managed and witnessed that.

Hoseok felt a warm tear run down his face. His heart was thumping vigorously in his chest, threating to burst open. Even with his mind in chaos, his voice stayed firm - he needed to be the strong one. For once.

 

“Hyung… I meant what I said – I’m ready to leave the group, if you need me. I was never the ambiguous one, anyway, and I know where my priorities lie now. I know you never gave a reason to think you are even considering having the child, but I’ve said enough already to add just little more – I think you’re scared of being a good parent, and of course, you’re more than justified to be, but—but if you do keep them, I wanna be there to help. No, I’m going to be there whether you want me or not, same with the months before they’re born… unless you would really hate me to be near you, because then I wouldn’t… I just need to make sure you know I’m not saying this because I pity you or anything, but because it’s what I really want--”

“Hoseok.”

“Yeah?”

“Just stop talking already.”

Yoongi watched Hoseok stop in the middle of sentence, mouth comically closing in slow motion. Then he turned look on Yoongi. Yoongi wasn’t sure his heart could handle listening to more. He felt both like crying and laughing at once, somehow, he knew he understood how Hoseok felt – the younger’s words weren’t of simple sympathy, he meant every single one. And Yoongi didn’t want to deny them, he allowed himself to take the meaning into his body, making him light, and happy – just how only the younger rapper could make him feel.

“Hobi… no leaving Bangtan.” Yoongi whispered, smiling when his eyes met Hoseok’s widened with fear.

“O-ok. But were you listening to the rest--”

“I don’t— I can’t… Fuck, I don’t know what’s gonna happen with the child. I mean, I don’t know yet. But… If I—if I kept them, I could appreciate a help…” Yoongi was feeling so small under Hoseok’s gaze. He wanted to say much more, to explain how scared he is of being the only and the bad influence in child’s life. But if somebody so loving and strong-minded as Hoseok were to be in their life, they could have… a normal, happy life, even near Yoongi…

Yoongi couldn’t look the rapper in the eyes. He hoped Hoseok could understand him without words.

 

Yoongi winced, when Hoseok entwined an arm around the older’s shoulders, like so many times before. But it was different. Yoongi couldn’t tell what changed, but it was such an intense gesture suddenly. He could feel his face heat up and there was a strange, uncomfortable feeling in his stomach that had nothing to do with pregnancy. He could hear his heart in his ears, but he decided to ignore the strange state of his and shifted to lean even more into the lean dancer’s side. He could feel a light, hesitant pressure on top of his head which he figured was the dancer laying his own head on Yoongi’s. _And Hoseok understood._

“I really suck at emotions. What I mean to say…”

“Hyung,” the younger whispered near Yoongi’s ear and it sent shivers down the rapper’s spine “It’s fine. You don’t have to explain, because I will help you figure it out. We can do it together.”

Yoongi smirked, his eyes closed and he could feel himself drowning away. “What do you even know about raising a baby, huh?”

“Oh, you wouldn’t guess! I can make a baby milk and find the right temperature. I know how to change diapers – did you know it takes so much more than just the pants and wet tissues? I know how to feed them, massage them to prevent growing pains, what fabrics can they wear…”

Yoongi knew he should be worried, but he couldn’t help but smile while listening to the younger’s rambling. It was calming. Hoseok’s voice was so affectionate, happy and filled with something undeniably warm, and Yoongi felt that everything might go right. Hoseok could be great parent, he was sure - if he was in Yoongi’s position.

Showing his emotions was scary and foreign to Yoongi, but the way the younger reacted to it – happiest than how has Yoongi ever seen him – made his think that he should have probably given up much earlier.

 

Hoseok was still mumbling happily when Yoongi entered sleep, lulled by a hand stroking his baby bump and sounds of excited heartbeat of the other.

 

\---

 

Yoongi woke up to semi-loud thuds. He lazily opened eyes, placing a hand over immediately them as sunlight irritated him. He realized his head was on Hoseok’s peacefully heaving chest and his eyes widened, amazed with the sudden thought _: ‘Wow, did I just get woken by his heartbeat? Does he really have a heart of horse?’_

But few seconds later, there was another series of muffled thuds and Yoongi realized it’s coming from the door. Somebody was behind them and knocking. Yoongi cringed in embarrassment at himself, _‘did I really just think what I have thought…’_ , luckily there was nobody to read his thoughts and the only person who could have seen his frustration was currently breathing softly and grinning from  sleep.

Yoongi shifted his body into more presentable position and was about to invite the visitors in – not like he could do much more – but the doors were being unlocked and the intruders started entering before he could raise his voice. He nudged Hoseok with elbow into ribcage and the other sit up, puzzled with sleep.

Manager Sejin was the first to enter – Yoongi’s first thought was that he reminded him of a Christmas tree, from the amount of bags he was carrying. He nodded at Yoongi in greeting and placed the bags next to a cabinet. He was man of not lot words, but Yoongi, introvert himself, have never had problems communicating with the older man.

Next was Mrs. Bang, followed by a young girl. It took Yoongi a while to match her face with the face of his saver from two days ago. Hoseok’s hand came up to squeeze Yoongi’s shoulder preventively and Yoongi knew how uneasy the younger felt. He wasn’t much better himself.

 

“Oh Yoongi, I’m so relieved you are fine!” the woman walked around the bed and pulled Yoongi into a tight hug. Hoseok clumsily disentangled himself from the sleep ware and stood awkwardly next to the bed. Yoongi kept his gaze fixed on the girl, who didn’t make attempt to move from the door. She was fidgeting with the hems of her tee, obviously not feeling comfortable herself, eyes looking at everything but the people before her.

“Um, aunt, who’s that?” Yoongi asked cautiously and the lady pulled away to stand straight. She was smiling.

“Oh, that’s Eunji. Come here, Eunji!” the lady gestured the girl to move to her side “Eunji is the one who helped me carry you to a car when you… you know… fainted” she whispered the word ‘ _faint_ ’, as if she said a curse word.

Yoongi nodded slowly, waiting for further explanation.

“Well, you see - I went to your house to pack things early in the morning and Eunji saw me from a window and recognized me. She run out of her grandfather’s house and stopped me on my way.” The girl finally looked into Yoongi’s face, probably encouraged by the woman’s hand on her own. She looked really young, Yoongi noticed.

“She spoke so erratically, explaining that she saw your belly and asking about your condition. I could tell she was honestly concerned. She kept assuring me, she wouldn’t spread anything and how sorry she was for probably making you worry. But there’s more she told me, right, Eunji?”

The girl nodded quickly, encouraged by the woman.

“A-are you not hurting, oppa?”

Yoongi had to smile at the way of addressing. It was so long since he heard that name. But it also meant that she indeed knew Yoongi’s identity.

 

“I’m alright, hm, Eunji?”

Yoongi felt somehow proud of himself when the girl’s eyes went wider and she smiled. There was no reason for Yoongi to be mean, anyways.

“And thank you for helping me. The doctor said that if we arrived even few minutes later… hm… the child might not made it. So I really owe you a huge thanks for your help.” Yoongi smiled encouragingly.

 

The girl’s hands started to flail in front of her body chaotically and she spoke in quick manner. “No, no! That was… I-I am so glad I could have helped! I-I did what was right, there’s no need to… thank… me...” Her voice traced away. Yoongi watched as Hoseok made his way to where the girl stood and grabbed her hands into his own, thanking her again quietly with much honestly in his voice. Her face went red immediately. Yoongi smiled at how cute that was.

 

“I-I… I really wanted to tell you, you don’t have to worry that I would say anything. I can hold a secret. I told, mmhm, aunt before that…” she glanced at the lady before speaking again, her voice firmer when the lady answered with serious nod “I have two dads, too, so it’s really fine with me.”

There was no embarrassment in her voice or face, only a shyness and expectation.

 

Yoongi hoped his face didn’t give away what went through in his head. A shock.

_‘She probably doesn’t mean it like ‘that’… Her mother probably remarried, that’s it...’_

Manager Sejin coughed into the silence and Eunji continued, taking in the confused faces. “I mean, my dads… are gay and married. I’m not their biological daughter, I was adopted when I was six. I have also a year older sister who was born in Africa and twin brothers from Cambodia, who are five. S-So I just wanted to say that you don’t have to worry I would think anything … _bad_ about you. I can hold secret, too, my classmates don’t know about my family.” She frantically waved her hands in front of her body in defensive way. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them! I would never wish for my family to be any different. And your child will be happy to have two dads, too, I’m sure.”

“Eunji also said it would be possible to meet her parents, if you wished to, isn’t that nice?” added Mrs. Bang in excited tone.

 

Yoongi was aware he didn’t probably look the most intelligent at the moment. He’s never met any older homosexual couple, with happy and _whole_ life in addition. There were only boys, experimenting during their school times and returning to the usual, _traditional_ forms of relationships in the end. Adoption was also still a big problem, even in modern Korea – he knew that well.

But there was a proof against all odds, standing right in front of his hospital bed and giving him a shy smile.

He didn’t feel confident enough to speak, but he knew, he should at least correct the girl in her misunderstanding about Hoseok being the father – for the younger’s sake. It would be embarrassing for the two involved in the conversation and he wanted to protect Hoseok from that. He turned to look at the other man and was stopped in his mind tracks as he saw Hoseok staring at the girl with eyes and mouth wide open. He looked like a statue.

“T-that… that would be nice, t-thanks… yeah, hyung?” Hoseok turned his eyes to meet Yoongi’s, his wide still wide and Yoongi’s expression now mirroring his. He didn’t exactly understand everything at the moment, but was glad the younger spoke first.

“Um... yea?”

“Yeah.”

 

There was much more to say, but it was the manager who broke the moment.

“Well, sorry to cut in but I originally came to fetch Hoseok. We have appointment in salon in 5 minutes and then whole day of schedule. So, we’ll be leaving first.” With that he bowed and after informing Hoseok he had a minute to say his goodbyes, left the room.

Hoseok exchanged his number with the girl and hugged Mrs. Bang. Then he moved to Yoongi and took the older into a short, but warm embrace. It was too fleeting, but there were others in the room which forced them to separate sooner that they’d wished.

“I’ll call you after schedule, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

And then the younger man left the room, saying final goodbyes. Once he left, Mrs. Bang squealed next to Yoongi quietly while Eunji kept smiling.

Yoongi could feel himself getting warmer and let out a fake cough to hide his embarrassment.

 

With Hoseok gone, but Mrs. Bang started conversation naturally, engaging both of the younger people in. She kept encouraging the girl into speaking, asking her various personal and general questions about everything, from her family to where in Yoongi’s neighborhood lived her grandfather, who was she actually visiting over the holiday right now. Eunji was still a middle-schooler and she admitted to be 13 years old when Yoongi asked. She also turned out to be a fan of rock music over current mainstream, but admitted she recognized Yoongi as an idol because of her friends from school.

Mrs. Bang, with help of Eunji, assigned the content of bags Sejin-hyung helped her carry inside into lockers and a closet placed in Yoongi’s room, and it was almost noon when they sat down to have a delivery lunch. The lady informed Yoongi that she has already checked out the hospital’s canteen and that she wouldn’t let Yoongi eat that ‘ _cursed dog food’_ and she would therefore keep visiting him every day with homemade meals.

He accepted with a smile.

 

When they parted, Eunji seemed much more relaxed around Yoongi and Yoongi also displayed an interest to meet her family, to which the girl reacted with an excitement. It was cute how happy the girl was about being helpful and Yoongi couldn’t deny that meeting her dads could help him organize his thoughts a little.


	12. Chapter 12

“…Everything seems to be in the best order; baby is healthy, of the size it should be and relatively safe, considering.” Doctor Son handed Yoongi few paper wipes to clean his lower tummy from ultrasound gel. “Do you want the picture printed?”

“Yes, please.” Agreed Yoongi, crumpling the tissues and pulling his pajama’s top back to its place over his huge pregnancy belly. It took him only a second of hesitation to answer – Hoseok’s happy face in his mind was enough reason to give a positive answer. The younger idol was trying to be present at all the check-ups, his face always radiating excitement and corners turning up from affection when the child appeared on the monitor. Yoongi usually couldn’t stop himself from glancing over to the younger man’s bright expression rather than following the dancer’s gaze to the black-and-white picture and listening to doctor’s explanations. But still, Hoseok’s schedule didn’t allow him to be there on every scheduled examination, and getting the picture for him was the smallest thing Yoongi could do.

 

“Alright, I’ll send it by the nurse later.” Answered the older man as the assisting nurse finished packing the portable ultrasound machine and started pushing it towards the exit. Yoongi sent a small ‘ _thank you’_ her way, feeling ever thankful to the personnel, who needed to move the machine to his room every week.

“So,” the man brought Yoongi’s attention back to him “the only what’s left is to set a date for your C-Section now. There are two free slots in my schedule, which I would suggest to you. You’re in your 34th week now and it is safe for a child to be delivered from around 37th week, and I suggest to do so as soon as possible as we need to prevent a natural labor and contractions.” The man clicked open his laptop. “The dates are three or four weeks from today.”

Yoongi didn’t feel well at the mention of the surgery.

“Um… but I’ve been experiencing contractions lately and the nurses said it’s normal and not dangrerous…”

“Yes, but those aren’t real contractions; it’s called the Braxton Hicks contractions and it’s a way of your body trying to prepare you for the real ones. It’s sort of psychological thing. But since your body doesn’t allow a natural labor, going into contractions and the so called ‘ _water breaking’_ is extremely dangerous for both you and the baby, and we need to prevent that. Also,” the man adjusted his glasses with his index finger “we need to inform Doctor Carver about the date of surgery. She agreed to be present through a skype call but she needs to take care of her schedule in advance.” _The male pregnancy specialist_.

 

Yoongi nodded slowly, his gaze focused on his hands. _Three or four weeks_ … that was so early. So much earlier than he had expected.

 

“Alright… can I have time until the end of the week?” Yoongi saw the doctor giving him a dissatisfied look but chose to ignore it “I’ve promised my friends that the surgery would be on a date they are here, in Seoul, and I don’t know their schedule. That’s all, I’m not trying to postpone it.”

Doctor Son nodded, letting out a disgruntled sigh, but Yoongi knew it was mostly affectionate and smiled.

“Thank you.”

“I will stop by at Friday, so let’s create the appointment then.”

 

\---

 

It was a weird day. It was all sunny and warm outside, birds singing for their mates and the wind carrying the sound of a city to his room, but Yoongi couldn’t care less about what was happening outside of his room. His mind was heavy with so many things to do in such a short time.

He had expected to break down, doing every of those little things he needed to finish before leaving the hospital and returning to his life - previous or new, but it was strangely alright.

Starting with the check-up in the morning, he realized just how much time he didn’t have and how many things he still needed to do to be able to remain at peace with himself. The birth was now something undeniable and pressing. He would be moving freely again in a month of time, leaving the hospital to live a real life and this weird chapter of his life would over.

Unless it wouldn’t be. Unless, there would be a person to remind of it his whole life. His baby…

Once he reached for his phone, an invisible barrier had fallen and he realized he _could_ do this.

 

\---

 

Around noon, he decided that he needed a break. He needed to _make a break_. So he turned off his phone and reached for his portable computer and settled it on his stomach, which served as a provisional table. Hoseok would be whining if he saw it, _the_ _electromagnetical waves, dangers and everything_ , but Yoongi was sure a little practice of how to live in a technological century couldn’t harm the unborn.

At times like these, Yoongi was thankful to Jungkook, who took his time to introduce Yoongi to computer games once he saw the older gave up on his books and textbooks. It was a nice idea to use the time he had wisely and improve his language and other skills, but League of Legends seemed to be a slightly better method how to kill time.

So Yoongi logged on and let out a sigh of relief. He cracked his fingers and gave the screen a challenging look. He was still a beginner, but not the worst player in game anymore.

He grabbed his mouse, but right then, a series of knocks resounded through the room.

 

_‘You gotta be kidding me, not now, for fuck’s sake!’_

He paused the game and shouted out for the intruders to come in. Only another series of knocks was the answer, which meant it weren’t either the hospital personnel or people from company. Yoongi had an idea, though, and he could feel his throat constrict at the realization.

“The key is in the nurse’s office!” he shouted.

 

There was a minute or more of silence before the door was unlocked and two men walked in. Yoongi gasped for air when he saw the younger visitor.

“Hyung?” he asked unbelievingly.

“Yoongi…” breathed out his brother and took few fast steps to engulf his little brother in a hug, but stopped a step away from the bed, considering his options and scanning over Yoongi’s not exactly covered form. Yoongi raised an eyebrow in a challenging gesture, but he was embraced by the slightly taller man the next second, letting out a choked “oomph”.

“I’ve missed you, dongsaeng.” Said Joongi, carefully releasing his brother from his arms.

“I didn’t know you came back from the States, hyung. He didn’t say, when we spoke in the morning.” Their looks turned to the third man in the room, who was still standing by the door, sending a shy smile. Yoongi had to fight an urge to roll eyes.

 

“Dad.” Yoongi greeted.

“Hey, Yoongi, you look good…” the man stepped closer to his sons. “I’m glad you called, I wasn’t sure how would you react if I was the one to make the call… it didn’t exactly work out the last time I tried to initiate something.”

“So if I didn’t call, you just wouldn’t contact me at all?” it wasn’t really a question, but a poisonous remark.

Yoongi watched the man furrow his brows and stressed expression appear on his face, and Yoongi spoke just in time to make the man remain quiet longer. “Hey, it’s fine. I get it… Or I’m trying to. I didn’t call to argue anyways.”

Yoongi turned his look to see his brother’s hand making its way to the pregnancy tummy and cleared his throat. Joongi retracted the hand back immediately, giving Yoongi a sheepish smile. Yoongi was used to being touched and cuddled by now, but it was different with his older brother – the man taught him about dating, sports, basically everything, and getting pregnant at 22 felt as showing Joongi that he hadn’t taken his teachings to heart and failed him somehow.

Not like the smile on his brother’s face spoke of disappointment.

 

Joongi cleared his throat. “I came back three days ago. Dad told me about what was going on with you, so I scheduled my holiday and came to stay in Korea and take care of you.” He smiled.

 

Normally, Yoongi would protest and argue with his brother, but his words reminded Yoongi of the reason why had he decided to contact his father in the morning in the first place, so he decided to ignore his brother’s strangely bright mood for now and confront the situation.

 

“So, what you said during the phone call…” interrupted their father, letting the sentence open for Yoongi to repeat it in front of his brother, as well.

“Yeah. I’m gonna give birth in a month and I have a house and stuff, but the doctors said the post-natal syndrome or whatever can be a real— _bother_ , so I was considering coming to dad’s apartment for some time…” Yoongi cleared his throat to hide his embarrassment. He didn’t really want to come to the man’s place but on the other hand, he didn’t have any other place to go.

 

Yoongi could only wonder about his personality being a hundred percent different from his father’s as he watched the older man’s face light up and he rushed to his youngest’s bed. Yoongi wedged himself deeper in the bed.

 

“Of course, I can take care of you. I have a free room and your brother can stay on the sofa-“ the older son grumbled but nodded “--I mean… I mean, I’m so happy, Yoongi. I’ve told you that you’re always welcome to my house, for as long as you wish to. We can move your things from your place, too, and prepare what the baby needs… or not that… or just your… things?….” The man’s smile disappeared as he looked for any response in his son’s face.

Yoongi was keeping a straight face. “Yeah. Thanks for that. And you can take the baby stuff, too. It would needed to be moved in any case.”

The man nodded slowly, returning to his shy smile.

Joongi kept watching the exchange, the confusion on his face becoming more evident with every word.

“Wait…” the men turned to him “what do you mean by that? What’s with the baby? Oh my God---“

“Hey, hyung, the baby is right.” Yoongi reached to put his hand on his brother’s, who was sitting on the bed. “It’s just that I’m considering adoption, that’s all.”

 

Joongi’s eyes went even wider. He opened his mouth as to shout or speak and let the emotions flow, the other men ready for an outburst as well. But he surprised them by closing it again and giving a serious look. He might have been the older sibling, but it was him who got a double portion of emotions - _for both of the brothers_ , as he liked to joke.

 

“You don’t want it?” he simply asked.

Yoongi opened his mouth and closed it again. What was he to say? It wasn’t about what he wanted, at least not from the biggest part. He didn’t have a clear answer to this.

“I’m not such a bastard to give them a life they would have with me…” he answered and his gaze shied away. Everybody in the room could see there was more to it.

“ _Do you NOT want it_?” shouted Joongi, but his face stayed calm and serious. Their dad seemed to be wondering whether to try and calm his son, but gave up in the end. _‘Of course he would’_

 

“I… I… maybe?”

“Maybe what?”

“Maybe… _Maybe._ Alright? I want them to have everything, but I can’t give them a loving family. I want them to be protected and happy, but that’s the last thing they would have with me. Everyone keeps telling ‘ _you’re gonna be alright, you can make it work’_ but how can they fucking know that I _can_ do it only because I _should_ be able to? Does being pregnant make me a perfect parent or what? I don’t want to let them down. I don’t want to lose the baby or Hoseok or anybody, but I just fucking _DON’T. KNOW.”_

The room went quiet as Yoongi was trying to catch breath and the men were processing the words and giving Yoongi time to calm down.

When Yoongi looked up he was surprised to see Joongi smiling.

 

“You said it.” He started. “You said you wanted to keep them. I didn’t need to take optional psychology classes for this, geez” he rolled his eyes and Yoongi kept only staring at his brother,  words not coming to him.

Joongi moved to stand next to the bed’s head where Yoongi was seated and crouched next to it. He reached his hand and let it fall on his little brother’s shoulder.

“You want the baby. I recognized that look – you were always giving it to me when we had money for only two scoops of ice cream and I asked you if you wanted the second one. You would never ask for it, but I knew and always kept it unfinished for you to have.” The man smiled and Yoongi was staring at him incredulously. _Was he really comparing baby to ice cream?_

“Well, so you’re having the baby, or… I will take it, how about it?”

Yoongi and their dad gasped. Joongi looked at one, then another, mischievous look on his face.

“What? I got my MA. I can take care of a child?”

 

Yoongi wasn’t sure how far was that all a joke, but the oldest in the room was first to burst into laughter, surprising both his sons. “You should see your face, Yoongi!” he laughed. “It’s all written there.”

It was embarrassing and Yoongi didn’t see a reason his father should be laughing _at him_ , but when Joongi joined the commotion, he couldn’t help it and smiled as well.

 

“That’s-- that’s not how adoption works, you know?” asked Yoongi, when the laughter died out.

“And I hope to never know. Pretty sure you’re already better parent than me and we didn’t even start.” Replied Joongi and there was something in his eyes that made Yoongi believe.

 

\---

 

It was late at night probably, Yoongi wouldn’t know because he was sleeping quite heavily for once. His day was extremely tiring, but he couldn’t be more satisfied with its, and his own progress. Sleep was his reward.

He snarled from sleep as the bed dipped down, his body moving to uncomfortable position together with the movement. He shivered at sudden blow of cold, but it was only momentarily. In the next second, a comfortable warmth pressed itself on his side, and softness covered Yoongi’s body again. He sighed lightly, approving of the comfort of his new position.

“Hyung?”

Yoongi blinked.

“Hyung, are you asleep?”

And opened his eyes.

It was dark, was he could recognize Hoseok’s eyes staring into his from mere centimeters. Or was it the stars?

 

“No, thanks to you.”

Hoseok whined in faked pain and threw arm around Yoongi, snuggling against the older male. His nose was buried somewhere in Yoongi’s shoulder. “Sorry”.

There was it again. The feeling of being choked, Yoongi’s body was acting as if its temperature was getting into feverish heights. Why was this always happening when Hoseok came over? The physical pain? Maybe, Yoongi knew the answer to this. But there was no way in hell he was accepting that. _Yet._

 

“Ow oof yoo ey?” came from the younger. Yoongi couldn’t help but chuckle.

“What?”

Hoseok’s head rised and their eyes met again. “I was asking, how was your day?”

“Oh, yeah… it was… chaotic? There’s a new ultrasound picture on the drawer.” Yoongi was glad it was dark and Hoseok couldn’t see the probable blush on his cheeks. He admitted, he was doing this to see the younger’s reaction but that fact didn’t make it any less embarrassing.

“Yea? Lemme see!” Hoseok shifted to get up, but Yoongi pressed his back down lightly. “In the morning. Let’s sleep now.”

Hoseok whined again and Yoongi had to hold himself back from reaching and patting the male’s fluffy head. They stayed quiet afterwards.

 

“My dad and brother came today.” Yoongi whispered. He could feel Hoseok’s movement again and he was sure that the younger would be tense and staring at him. He could let him pretend that it wasn’t the case by not opening eyes.

“Yeah? How was that? Wasn’t your brother in the US?”

“He came back for few months, don’t ask me about his job or school, I don’t think he cares. And it was… fine?”

“Fine?”

“Yeah, surprisingly fine.” Yoongi himself was surprised by how true that was. The one visit he feared for months had ironically brought him so much peace.

“…Fine is good.” Mumbled Hoseok and his hand was drawing patterns on Yoongi’s upper stomach.

Yoongi chuckled again at the lack of reaction from the younger. His energy was probably depleted from the day’s schedule, trainings and pretenses to be happy and worriless.

 

“…and I spoke to him.” Whispered Yoongi in one breath. He hoped Hoseok has already fallen asleep but that wasn’t the case.

“…your dad?” was the muffled question.

“No… the one I slept with.”

 

Hoseok’s hands stopped in its tracks. He shifted now and Yoongi could feel his eyes on him, but didn’t dare to meet them.

“…How?”

“I had help from Sejin-hyung, actually. I called him this morning and asked him to explain how things are to the guy’s manager. I didn’t think he would really trusted me if I contacted him right away, and Sejin-hyung agreed with me. So he called him. And I got a call just after dad and hyung left.”

Yoongi spared a look at Hoseok. Even in the dark, he could recognize how tense the younger was, his lips in thin line and face serious.

“…And?”

“And… we talked. It was short and really awkward. He asked me if everything he heard from his manager was true, I confirmed it, and he asked why do I tell him now. I mean, he’s right, it’s a legit question. So I answered that I needed to close this one question and that is him. And then… well, he asked what’s going to happen, so I told I want nothing from him. Just, understanding? And he took a while to agree… he’s a nice guy, he felt real bad about the whole situation. His voice was shaking a lot. But he didn’t blame me.”

“And the baby?”

“I had to almost bully him to make him say his thoughts aloud, but, yeah, he doesn’t really want to raise them or anything. But he’s probably still gonna try and force some aliments of kind on me.” Yoongi chuckled nervously, only now turning to watch the younger’s reaction. He couldn’t see his face clearly, though.

 

“I’m so proud of you, hyung…” Yoongi swore in is head, because Hoseok’s voice clearly betrayed tears. He sniffled to prove that. “I thought—I thought, I would have to force you into contacting the guy one day, or find out who he is and do it for yourself, or I don’t know. I didn’t really think you could do it.”

Hoseok’s hands were searching for Yoongi’s under their shared blanket frantically, and Yoongi offered it to him, letting him squeeze it tightly.

 

“But he would only force you the money if the kid stayed in your care, right?“ asked Hoseok, sounding slightly confused.

“I guess, yeah…”

“...”

“…”

“Like, there would be your name on the birth certificate and baby at your home and… that kind of care.”

“Right.”

 

Yoongi couldn’t say for how they actually stayed quiet, but it felt like centuries.

Hoseok let out a high-pitched squeal at which Yoongi actually jumped in place a little, and it took another moment to realize the dancer was acutally sobbing messily. Then there was a body mass around Yoongi’s neck and he was yanked into to lying position, the other’s hair tickling his face as Hoseok held him tight and wept into his shoulder. Yoongi’s hands naturally wrapped themselves around the brunette’s torso. He started to ‘shhh’ him, keeping his own emotion in check just with difficulty.

 

“Hyuuuung.”

“Yeah.”

“Yo-yo-you’re ha-having a ba-baby?” Hoseok unstucked himself from Yoongi’s shoulder and grabbed Yoongi’s cheeks with shaking hands.

“Um, yeah?”

“We-we are ha-having b-baby?” asked Hoseok, staring right into Yoongi’s eyes with his wet ones. “I m-mean, you. Of course, you. But I meant it like, Bangtan will be there to help and…” Hoseok has traced off and Yoongi knew exactly what the younger meant. If he was the unsure and in denial, Hoseok has been the one to show the unborn his unconditional love and affection so far. Who was he to deny him?

 

“Yes, _we_ are.” Whispered Yoongi back, not sure himself whether was he replying to the younger’s excuses or his own thoughts. Suddenly and without warning, he could feel his cheeks getting wet.

 

Hoseok was still holding the older rapper’s cheeks gently and he moved forward, which startled Yoongi a little, but much less than he would expect it to. Hoseok leaned their foreheads together and even though there were still lights coming into the room from outside, Yoongi could see nothing. He could only feel Hoseok’s breath on his face, and his own heart, beating as fast as a heart of a marathon runner after the race.

He couldn’t take the lack of distance between them anymore.

Yoongi leaned forward to follow the way where the warm breath was coming from, to meet it and let it merge with his own.

 

But then the breeze was gone and Yoongi found himself laying down again, his head positioned on the other’s chest and being held as if the touch between the two was the only that mattered.

“ _Our baby.”_ Whispered Hoseok. And Yoongi wanted to both cry and smile. He felt guilty somehow, but the younger’s immeasurable happiness was washing all his doubts off for now.

 

There was one thing he knew at the moment – a good, fruitful one, or bad and fatal – a storm was upon them.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teen to Mature rated, but I'm not good with ratings. Let's say, there's some words you might find a bit hard to digest :)  
> Long notes at the end!

There was something final in the downpour of rain behind the window. And menacing.

Yoongi’s always learnt to find inspiration in all the common things around him. So he’s also found himself countless times just listening to rain and letting the rain drops bring up deeper thoughts, which he sometimes buried deep in himself again, sometimes rephrased, softened and used into lyrics of songs. He never was one to believe in omens and rain was rather calming element to him.

But today was different.

After weeks of tropical summer heats, monsoon season has finally hit Korea and the forecast expected it to last for another week at least. And the storms started in the morning of Yoongi’s surgery. He got used to watching summer from inside his air-conditioned hospital room, so waking up after weak two hours of dreamless sleep into grey skies and a consistent screen of water made him feel even more nervous. And his offspring-to-be was evidently feeling the same way since he kept kicking Yoongi’s ribs with all his strength since early morning today.

Yoongi hissed in pain after another jab and stroked his stomach, shushing as to calm the baby. It worked, sometimes. He reached for his phone.

_‘No new messages…’_

Bangtan members organized their schedule so that they would be able to arrive in the hospital an hour before Yoongi was scheduled on the operating table – which was in 30 minutes.

“Where the heck are they…”

The last message in their chat room was from Taehyung: _We’re departing, See you in 30, hyung :*_ …and that from an hour ago. He didn’t want to seem desperate by writing and inquiring text, but the truth was, that desperate was exactly how he was starting to feel. Nurses and doctors kept coming and going all day, either giving Yoongi some pre-surgery check-ups or introducing themselves as doctors from random departments, most of them who were interested of watching a birth they would probably see once in their lives. Yoongi could only find a little relief in that he would be undergoing Caesarian section, and so there would much less of his body that would be uncovered to the ‘audience’. He was also told, there would be a screen with live video calling with the specialist from the States.

_‘Like I’m a circus animal… but at least I won’t remember much thanks to full body anesthesia…’_

It’s been more than 15 minutes since he was transported to the room right next to the surgery room, restyled as a waiting room for his purposes. He was left here alone, only with his phone and instructions to shout out aloud would he needed anything. He wiped his sweaty hands into the hospital gown, he was forced to wear, and glanced out of the window again. He closed his eyes. His heartbeat was nowhere in normal range, so he tried to breathe in slowly and let the air out again, exactly as he was taught. It helped nothing. His hands started to shake.

_‘Hobi… Damn, you guys should better make it on time this one time.’_

Damn, he was so not ready to do this alone.

_\---_

 

10 minutes later, and 20 before the surgery, there were still no new messages. It all got even worse when Yoongi couldn’t take the silence any longer and decided to call first Hoseok, then Namjoon and Jin to yell at them about time management, and promises, and everything. Not one answered the phone. It was weird, because they always replied instantly and they knew Yoongi would expect them to stay in touch through the whole day. So he tried calling the manager next time, but was redirected to voice mail instead.

Yoongi’s heartbeat couldn’t seem to calm. _‘’Shit… this is not normal. At least one person should have replied by now. What if… If something’s happened’_ He looked out of the window again and shook his head _‘no, they’re all right and you need to stop freaking out.’_

But once the thought appeared in his head, it was impossible to shake off. He got goosebumps.

 

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door leading to a hospital’s corridor. Yoongi almost jumped in place and replied instantly, feeling his heart raise up to his throat.

“Come in!”

The door opened slowly and his brother walked over to his place on a wooden desk (hard surfaces were just so comfortable) and hugged Yoongi awkwardly, the huge pregnant belly in their way.

“Hey, lil’ bro. How are you feeling? Ready to pop?” He smiled a bit sadly, noting Yoongi’s sweaty forehead and even paler than usual form.

“Hello, Yoongi.” Greeted their father as he closed the door behind himself. “You don’t seem too happy to see us.”

 

Originally, the plan was, that Yoongi was to spend the last hour with Bangtan members and his father and brother were meant to wish him luck just before the procedure. Their entrance meant that there was little to none time before the impending surgery.

“I’m… hi.” Eloquent.

“I thought, your friends were meant to be with you before they’ll take you to the operating room?” his father frowned as if to show his discontent with their behavior. Yoongi ignored the hint and turned to his brother shakily. “I can’t get in touch with them… they should have been here already. They’re not answering calls.”

Joongki stopped trying to groom Yoongi’s hair with his hands and a frown appeared on his face, which reminded Yoongi so much of his own.

“There’s a lot of traffic jams around the city due to the weather. Do you know which route did they take?”

“Hm, Yeah. Sejin-hyung has always been taking us by the Seongsu Bridge. He says it’s the fastest way…”

Yoongi watched his father and brother exchange strange expressions. Joongki turned back to his younger brother and placed his hands on his knees, squeezing gently.

“You know, If they went—“

“Don’t, Joongi-yah.” Both brothers turned to their father. The elder frowned.

“What, why shouldn’t I tell him?”

“Yoongi is in a lot of stress as it is. There’s a lot of traffic jams, you said it. I’m sure that’s why his friends are running late.” The man sent his older son a meaningful look. Which would have worked better had the younger not seen it as well. Yoongi ignored the man.

“Hyung, could you finish the sentence?”

Joongki squeezed his knee again.

“You know… there’s been a huge accident on Seongsu Bridge, 50 cars or so crashed together, it’s all the radio news talked about on our way here. I mean, it doesn’t have to mean anything… just… they said it, will take hours to clean the road and because of the weather, they cannot even use medicopters to reach the place…”

With each word said, Yoongi could feel his insides shrugging and turning. And it had nothing to do with the baby inside this time. He clenched his fists to keep himself looking as calm as possible.

“And the casualties?”

Joongki swallowed and replied quietly. “Few. But a lot of injured—“

“That’s enough!” shouted their father. “Look at him, he was looking bad already, but he started turning grey now. You should read the situation a bit, Joongki! Those are details that could have waited.”

“He had the right to know! Don’t treat him like an invalid or a child, Yoongi’s an adult and thus--“ the older started but was interrupted by the pregnant man next to him. _‘He’s damn right, I have a right to know… But dad didn’t mean any bad. He’s trying to protect me, in his own awkward way…’_

“Stop it, hyung. It’s fine. Thank you for telling me.”

 

The argument was cut off short, when the nurse entered their waiting room from inside the surgery room. Yoongi didn’t understand how the hell could she be smiling while he felt like either fainting or throwing up.

“Ah, hello, you must be Mr. Min’s family” she nodded in direction of Yoongi’s dad and brother, which moved to stand further from Yoongi now. “ _I_ t’s a pleasure to meet you. I hope, you managed to say your encouragements, because we are ready for Mr. Min now. I’ll leave the door open for you, Mr. Min, come in when you’re ready.”

Even before she left the room again, Yoongi was forced to lean back by the force of his brother’s sudden bear hug. It took him few seconds to realize the situation and he leant into the embrace. It felt familiar, and warm, and Yoongi let himself become calm again for few seconds.”

“You’re gonna do well, Yoongi, I know it’s gonna be alright.” Half-whispered Joongki next to his brother’s ear. “And when you wake up, you’re gonna meet your baby. Finally.” Joongki pulled away and Yoongi unconsciously leaned forward a bit to keep the hug longer.

“I can’t… I can’t meet the baby now, hyung…” he whispered. “I need… I need Hoseok to be there, too.” ‘ _I’ve promised.’_ There might have been a single tear running down his face but he didn’t care.

“He’ll be there. It’s fine. He’s just a bit late.”

The three men moved to stand together and hugged lightly. Their dad ruffled Yoongi’s hair and pated his back in a man-to-man way.“You need to go in now. Good luck, Yoongi. I love you, son, and can’t wait to meet my grandchild.” He smiled encouragingly.

Yoongi managed to give a weak smile, probably to fool both the men and himself, and nodded in what he hoped looked decisive way. He reached for his phone.

“I’m not allowed to bring this in the room, but if they call… or anything… answer it, please.”

Joongki took the device. “Of course.”

 

“Then… see you in an hour?” Yoongi hoped they couldn’t see how much he fought the urge to vomit, though the empty stomach.

“Yea.” His dad smiled.

“Sure, bro.” Joongki laughed, trying to hide obvious nervousness.

Yoongi supported his belly with a hand and made a move to enter the surgery room.

 

\---

 

There was much more noise than expected. The doctors were chattering with nurses and each other, and the volume even increased with Yoongi’s entrance as everyone greeted him at the same time. The atmosphere actually seemed much less grave than he imagined it would be before a surgery. And there were a lot of smiles thrown around and at him, but they didn’t quite reach him. Yoongi greeted all at once and quietly followed the instructions to lay down on the table in the middle of the room.

Dr. Son stood closest to Yoongi’s table and started presenting Yoongi’s file to all those that weren’t familiar with it. Yoongi barely recognized few of the faces, he was introduced to during the day, but it wasn’t like he actually cared about them, nor the reading of his file information. He could hear that some of the doctors raised questions, but Dr. Son seemed to know all the answers that they needed and Yoongi was glad he didn’t have to speak. His mind was a total mess at the moment. He shrugged off the nauseous feeling, but he was nowhere near relaxed.

The sickness turned into a fear.

_So he’s going to have a baby… and Hoseok’s not gonna be there?... Then who’s gonna take care of it? What if Yoongi doesn’t make it? And… how could he even make it without Hoseok?_

The doctors got quiet eventually, but Yoongi’s mind was still too noisy.

 

“..-gi. Yoongi?” Mr. Son touched Yoongi’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I asked if it would be alright with you, if others doctors examined your… entrance. We can do it after the narcosis, if you’d mind, but the bodily reactions would be more natural in awake state.”

 _‘So I either let them now or they’re gonna do it while I’m sleeping, anyways. What a choice.’_ Yoongi thought bitterly.

“Sure, it’s fine…”

Next his pants left his legs and somebody helped him spread them. The doctors started prodding and discussing again, and it would be quite irritating… if only Yoongi didn’t hear the unmistakable sound of his phone melody from behind the closed room. Somebody asked a nurse to go and tell his family to mute the sounds, but Yoongi couldn’t care about it. He reached for the nearest nurse.

“I’m sorry, but could you ask my family what is that call about. It’s very important.”

The nurse made a disapproving face at him. “I’m sorry, Mr. Min, but the surgery has officially started. We need not to be disturbed.”

That annoyed Yoongi. He gestured to the flock of people by the feet of his bed. “Sorry, but while they’re having fun, I’m about to freak out because my friends might have be injured somewhere in a traffic accident and I have no freaking clue! So please go ask for me, or I swear… I’m gonna freak out, or--” He was ready to continue, but the nurse probably decided it was not worth it and only clicked her tongue and left his side. She came back few seconds later. Yoongi could have sweared he didn’t take one breath during the time she was gone.

“Your friends are in the ambulance and on their way to the hospital, Mr. Min.”

 

Yoongi felt his heart drop.

“They… they’re injured?” he asked and it sounded weak and choked.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have more information” her face changed from stone to compassion, though, and Yoongi couldn’t help but feel there was much more behind it than said.

He squeezed his eyes shut, and tried hard not to start crying. Not now.

 _‘Fuck it, FUCK IT ALL. You have to be alright, fucking have to! You’re not leaving me deal with this alone, not after all you’ve promised me. I need you all, I need you there with me… Damn, I can’t do this…’_ he could feel a teardrop leave his eye.

 

 

 

It was another seconds, minutes, maybe hours and then there was Dr. Son, asking Yoongi if he could start the operation yet. And Yoongi couldn’t but agree, because he was empty. There was no use. Maybe… maybe he wouldn’t even wake from the narcosis. _Who knew._

_\---_

 

Warm.

Cosy.

And hurting.

Damn, why was he hurting again? Did he injure himself? His head was hurting so bad, he wouldn’t have been surprised if it splinted open.

And then…. Oh.

_‘Oh.’_

 

Yoongi tried opening his eyes, but they were just so heavy. So heavy. It took few tries to make them work and focus on the room he was in.

It wasn’t his hospital room. But it was hospital. _‘Intensive care?_ ’ Yeah, probably, judging from the machines next to his bed and pipes connected to his arm. But there was more wrong… there was… there wasn’t. His belly. The baby!

He reached behind himself where he knew should be the emergency button, and pressed. Then he laid back again and closed his eyes, staying on the border of consciousness and unconsciousness.

 

It was Dr. Son who entered the room. He was smiling.

“Yoongi! How are you feeling?” He pressed the back of his hand against Yoongi’s forehead, and Yoongi didn’t like it all. He tried shrugging the hand off, but he barely moved. His body felt foreign.

“I’m… I’m… baby is… alright?”

Dr. Son smiled widely and nodded. “He’s a totally healthy baby. Congratulations.”

Yoongi’s eyes widened in what must have been comical. _‘”he… I have a… a boy.’_

“And… and my f-friends?” Yoongi felt himself fading away, the voice wasn’t really his either.

“You’ll see them. But you have to sleep more first.”

 _‘No!_ ’ he wanted to shout. _‘Tell me more. Send Hoseok in…’_

But he was falling into blackness already.

 

\---

 

Warm. And cosy. But there was no pain this time. That must have meant a good thing, right?

He tried moving his hand just to see if he could this time, but it didn’t work. But there was a sound. Something else has shifted on the bed, but it wasn’t his hand for sure.

Yoongi opened his eyes.

And met huge eyes of Jung Hoseok right on front of his face. He looked down to see his hand being grasped tightly in the younger rapper’s one. _‘So that’s why it wouldn’t move…’_ He tried moving the other one and it worked just fine.

 

“Hyung…” The younger man’s voice was shaking. “How… How are you feeling?”

Yoongi wanted to make a sarcastic remark, but Hoseok’s face was just too close to his own. The expression was too genuine, worried and… dammit, Jung Hoseok was beautiful. His nose maybe a too bit and face overall a little long but he was still perfect. It would take less than a blink of an eye to close the distance between them and touch— to kiss--- …and the hell, why shouldn’t he?

It wasn’t a Min Yoongi thing to do. Min Yoongi has always thought too much. And come to the wrong conclusions. He didn’t act for himself, selfishly, because he didn’t deserve that. So how could it feel so right to be pressing his lips against his years-long friend’s?

 

 

 

It lasted only maybe a second before Hoseok was shown back by Yoongi violently. Was Hoseok dreaming? Must have been… Oh right, but the shoving part was very real. And the kiss… Hoseok’s lips trembled.

“Fucker!” stated Yoongi.

Okay, so Hoseok did dream of the kiss.

Yoongi grabbed Hoseok by his T-shirt and pulled him closer. Was the hell was going on?

“Fucker.” Whispered Yoongi again. “How the hell…. How the fuck are you here just now? You were supposed to be here with me before I go in the room. You were supposed to hold my hand before, not now! And then…. Then… I hear about the accident on the bridge and that you’re being transported by the emergency car. And you… and then you weren’t going to come ever again. And now you fucking sit here and-- and-- look like nothing at all has happened! Explain yourself now! NOW!”

Hoseok would had almost laughed at how cute Yoongi was, and about the misunderstanding, but when the older’s voice broke in the middle, he understood how emotionally drained must he feel. Yoongi wasn’t looking at him now. He was keeping his eyes shut and the tears were flowing freely amongst the silent sobs. Hell, it was Hoseok’s fault. He needed to apologize, he knew, but would words truly convey how he felt right now? How happy… and how sorry was he? One look at Yoongi and he wanted to hit himself.

 

He didn’t think about it a lot, it was natural when he leaned back into Yoongi’s personal space and pressed their foreheads together.

Yoongi opened his eyes but said nothing, so Hoseok reached up and wiped the rapper’s face with his hand. His heart was dancing in his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I should have been there, so sorry. There was a traffic jam because of the accident. And then the mobile network fell, I don’t know if it was the accident or the storm. Just… I lied that my wife is having a baby and the driver of the ambulance took a pity on me. I came as fast as possible, but… I’m sorry.”

Yoongi let out a deep exhale.

“And the rest?”

“Just got here, but I didn’t go greet them yet. All are fine.”

Yoongi nodded and closed his eyes again. They stayed like that for another minute, before Yoongi broke the silence.

 

“So… a son?” the word sounded weird to him.

Hoseok nodded and parted their foreheads. Yoongi leaned forward on instinct but regained his balance again in a blink.

“Wanna meet him?” Hoseok whispered, his eyes not leaving Yoongi’s. There was… there was… so much affection that Yoongi’s heart started to ache from it. Was it always like that? How could has he not noticed?

“I’ve held him.” Continued Hoseok quietly. “they’ve asked me if I wanted to and I couldn’t refuse. I’m sorry if….”

The sentence stayed unfinished. Yoongi nodded slowly and bit his lip. It felt right that it was Hoseok that his son met as one of the first people in his short life.

“Do you…” Yoongi had to stop himself for a second “Do you think I can do it?” He was just so uncertain. He wanted to meet his son, but what if it is nothing like everyone said, what if he feel nothing for the baby he will see for the first time in his life?

Hoseok smiled and nodded. “You’ll do fine. I’ve told you and I will repeat as many times as you want me to. And I’ll do my best, as well.”

Yoongi nodded as well. “I think I’m ready.”

Hoseok smiled one last time and left the room, leaving a cold, grey place behind. Yoongi tried not to think about how shunshine-y the World looks with Jung Hoseok by his side.

 

\---

 

A nurse came in first, wheeling an iron crib in front of her. Hoseok followed right behind.

 

She smiled at Yoongi. “Hello there, how did you sleep? Are you ready to meet your son?”

Yoongi wanted to reply that _No, how does one even get ready to meet a parasite that’s been living inside them for months?_ Or at least wanted to ask Hoseok to _hold his damn hand_ , but he made a do with simple nod instead.

The nurse showed him how to hold his arms and he followed awkwardly. Then she raised then small knot of clothes from its crib, shooed at them and placed them slowly in Yoongi’s readied arms.

 

There was face. The baby didn’t open its eyes yet, and it was all very… puffed, but it was indeed a baby. Living, Yoongi’s baby. He couldn’t help but look at the miracle with open eyes.

Eyes, nose, lips, small hands and fingers. He reached to touch one little hand and the baby made a move as if to grab his thumb. It opened its toothless mouth and made a quiet choked sound. Yoongi looked up, undamped emotion of fear on his face, and his eyes moved between the nurse and Hoseok few times quickly.

They both were smiling at him.

“Oh, maybe he’s a bit hungry. Want to try feeding him?” the nurse asked. Yoongi looked down at the baby again, his eyes still wide, but smiling a bit now as well. “I can teach you how to breast-feed or we can try with the bottle.”

_‘Breast-f---!’_

Yoongi looked up in horror. “I’m not gonna breast-feed, no way.” The nurse looked surprised and Hoseok frowned. He obviously had a thing to say, but considering his good heath, decided to stay quiet. “Oh, well, we can start with the bottle then, let me get it. Will you boys be alright here alone for a while?”

“Of course” Hoseok answered and Yoongi nodded.

She left the room and Hoseok sat carefully on Yoongi’s bed.

They stayed quiet, watching the baby open and close its little mouth repeatedly.

 

“You know, breast milk is very good for babies. You might have not have much but you should at least try.”

“Goddamit, I’ve had baby, but he’s not sucking on my anything, alright?” Yoongi answered but when he looked up, he noticed Hoseok was smiling and there was a playful spark in his eyes. Yoongi almost cursed himself for falling for the younger’s shenanigans.

“But really, we’ll talk about that later.” Whispered Hoseok, but Yoongi stayed calm this time.

Hoseok then reached to the baby and stroked its hair.

“So soft” he whispered… lovingly. Yoongi was now silently cursing that both of his hands were busy holding the little baby and he couldn’t touch for himself. There would be a lot of time for that later. Hoseok and Yoongi then met eyes.

“You made a miracle. A beautiful miracle.” Hoseok whispered and before Yoongi could have reacted, the younger has closed the distance between them and they were… kissing.

Kissing for real this time. It wasn’t just a flutter, they both felt it deep inside their stomachs, and they reluctantly parted in what might have been tens of seconds, but felt like a year.

 

“I love you, hyung.” Whispered Hoseok from just a centimeter between their faces.

Yoongi smiled and the baby whined softly.

 

“Woojeong.” Yoongi whispered. “Woojeong, as in _friendship.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand It's DONE.
> 
> First off, I'm so terribly sorry about the delay. Bad, bad, lazy author! I actually managed to lose the last chapter about three times and I started writing it like XX times, but it just... it didn't work. But I didn't want to left this unfinished. It was killing me, that I knew how it's gonna end and you guys didn't :D  
> I have the story planned until like, pfff, years of Yoonseok lifeu ahead. If you try hard, you might get some answers from me. :D
> 
> There MIGHT be a sequel, but I don't want to promise anything. There's a lot of open questions throughout the story, so I'd like to give it some more proper end. Some day. Maybe ;D
> 
> Oh, and hope you noticed I tried to work in some angst in the end. It's a reaction to few comments from before... did it work? :D I'm happy on my Fluff Express, tbh, but, yeah...
> 
> Anyway, the most important thing... HUGE THANKS! to those who made until the end with me. WUW YOU! T>T You are LIFEU!  
> See you again one day!


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